I am so anxious to read a vintage Cosmopolitan. I'm getting sick of the same sex advice, you either hear the same thing you did a subscription or two ago, or it's something you already know. I would like to know what sex was thought of back then, what turned guys on. I know one thing, I know it was considered sexy to 'take your hair down'. For women, hair that wasn't up was considered slutty and definitely the last thing from classy. But that was way way way back, maybe even before Cosmopolitan was first published. I mean it was FIRST published as a family magazine in 1886, but didn't become a woman's magazine til the late 1960's. So yeah, the 'sexy hair' rule was probably in the really early 1900's before the 40's and into the 1800's. Anyways, point is, ya don't have to be a whore to be in love with Cosmo. Wait, that was never my point, but it's a point I'm stating now.
I don't make valid points, ever. If anyone has ever caught that about me. One of my few corks. The past few days have been restless. Either that or way too boring and empty. But lately, no matter how much fun I'm having or how much is on my mind, something has been missing. Can't tell you what it is, it can be a majority of things. What's been on my mind lately is summer is coming to a quick end (by the way, "back to school" signs in drug stores and any type of market make me absolutely sick) people are leaving. I hate that, but I know everyones just going on with their life as they should. I mean, a LOT of people are leaving. I thought about it, a lot of people I know are seniors. It really sucks, I started meeting a lot of new people too and come to figure they are all seniors. There's a couple where I thought I could really start to like and get to know, but when this 'guy' likes me, I suddenly hold back. It's like my body is starting to reject myself for liking people, if they are leaving and I am starting to know them. I'm scared to get to know you. I'm scared that it's going to upset me even more. I'm afraid of not knowing how much I can handle until it happens. What will this year be like? There are so many holes that will need to be filled. I'm sick of creepy guys hitting on me, don't say you are good to women, and you respect them. I'm not a dumbass, trust me I know all about your type. Character one: you say things to make me feel as if you'd respect me, want to take me out on a date. I don't eat this stuff up, man. And besides, what's up with all the spastic texting? If I dont respond after 4 consecutive texts, obviously I'm not going to text after the 5th. Character two: Do you even like girls? Character three: you're short and look like nick jonas, two things I wish not to induldge in. Character four: You're leaving, I don't know you too well. You're so pretty on the outside, but just so weird on the inside. I like weird, I do. I don't feel anything though.
Obviously, I'm not looking for anything right now. Who knows, maybe I'm afraid to face my emotions and I'm just missing out on something or someone right now. Or maybe all of you are just shit. Every next single one of you I meet from now on, what if you are all nothing? What if I was always meant nothing to everyone. Ah I'm not about to quote Manchester Orchestra.
I have always had really interesting ideas and thoughts as a really young child, sometimes I look back on a few of them and still wonder the same thing. I used to think, what if the 5 senses (smelling, touching, tasting, seeing, hearing) is different for everyone. As in, what if what I look like to myself looks completely different to someone else? What if ice cream doesnt taste the same to anyone else? What if the touch of sandpaper feels awkward to everyone, but a different kind of awkward. We would never know, we just know what's considered pleasurable or not. I can't put this into words at all. The funny part is, why should I care? If something is not meant to be found out, then leave it at that. It's like, if a fat girl falls in the woods, would the trees laugh if no one was there to see it?
I'm so so so talkative tonight, my thoughts are just sprinkling around my brain and exploding with different things. I thought, I just have to blog! No more sad, pathetic depressing boy blogs.
At least for now, right?
Sometimes I spend the night thinking about how I'm going to die one day. Usually that thought doesnt really scare me but when I spend all this time thinking about it before bed I get so insanely freaked. It's like, we were put here and there is no way out but dying, and everyone does it. Then I start thinking, will there be any type of after life, do souls really still keep on? Or will that be it, will my existence really be gone? What things will I miss out on, how long will this go on for? Life really is short, yet people live longer and longer as time goes on. This whole world scares me, there is so much out there. So much things undiscovered, so many empty people. So many lives untouched and unspoken. So much unrequited love. So many unsaid words so many undone tasks. I think...I want to do so much. Cliche, but I do, I want to do so much.
The sad thing is, I doubt I really will.
It's like that one really good thing you start to write. It has so much potential to be a good book, but you never finish it.
I hate to say it, but you told me so.
I never finished it.
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