you are so last year.

So, here we are. The last day of 2008.
A little scary, don't you think? It flew by in my opinion, so much has happened.
I've been in so many different situations, had first experiences, had many flings (some way more important than others)
and the year is over. but nothings going to change, i dont think i'll feel different about anything tomorrow then i have for the last 365 days.
hopefully things improve for me, friendships and relationships.
maybe some feelings will grow, into something really great.
i wonder what my new years resolution is. i'd like to become wiser (:
and maybe more caring..
i'd like to say i already am but other people might differ.
i want to cut any drama out of my life.
i want to learn more songs on the piano.
i want to do more singing (yes i can somewhat sing. i'm just immensely shy)
and i want to be really haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy. :D

okay, well i'm going to get ready.
happy new years ;]

magic magic magic

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a boy

hmm..

it's like we're the only people that even exist.


nothing else really matters.

You've got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?

Hey you! Who ever you are that reads my blogs :]
Yesterday & today was a lot of fun.
Urgh but I have such mixed feelings of things. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling anymore or how to react.
All I know is.....

we made a sweet video today!

go here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zumjbrCQ_o8
& watch it in high quality. for high quality purposes.
I am a new video. says my facebook status.
so you should ch-ch-check it!

I met a couple of new people today who I enjoy.
Well...
this is fairly short, but ironically I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that no blog is good enough to be exposed to.
but hgdfsoighsiogidfhgo
gdfshgdiofhgdfhghdfighdf
dfsogdfighdioghdfiogiodfhg
says it all.
no hidden message.
no nothing.
i'm out.
watch the video.
get back to me.

The mysterious man and his obsession of the Mushroom

Today was crazy, crazy fun.
I woke up pretty late & hung out with the sisters. We went shopping, and then back to the house to play scattergories. before that, I played Monopoly with my sister Lacie, and she beat me bad. I am always bad at knowing which properties to buy, and I always go to jail. Or the community chest/chance cards I get makes me lose money.
and she always gets monopoly and buys all these houses to make me pay her more. I'm not terrible at the game though.
Anyways after that we went to this really creepy Thai restaurant that was kind of a hole in the wall. Just a man & his wife's business and has only been open for a few months. They were so sketch, the guy who was our waiter. the only waiter. I looked around and realized he had a lot of framed pictures of mushrooms. I simply asked, "Sir, not to seem rude, but what's the deal with all the photographs of mushrooms." He whipped his head quickly and looked at me and almost immediately said, "I love mushrooms." So I just kind of looked down, a little weirded out because he went over all these facts on mushrooms and how he picks them. The food was really good, I never had Thai before, but I enjoyed it, even though it was a little spicy. He started talking about the shrooms that people get high on, they're called the Purple Ring mushroom or something. They can grow in cow or horse shit. They range from SC to beyond. He goes, but don't eat those unless you feel like laughing in a closet, and you have nothing else to do for the next 6-12 hours. and just stared at us blankly. and very seriously. i just go, okay i'm going to the bathroom.
I go and look around, I don't actually use the bathroom, but I always like the way ethnic bathrooms look. the decorations were cool, then I saw a comment card. Someone already wrote, "great atmosphere." I thought it was bazaar, so I wrote:

haha, nice toilet.
so we left after he told us more and more facts about mushrooms, I feel like I know a lot about them now.
anyways, my sisters and i thought of something funny to do.
one day i should go up to some random house i dont know, preferably with pretty holiday decorations and knock on the door. when they open im just gonna stare at them, with my mouth open, smiling, looking stupid and just stare at them for a really long time. then i'll just wave bye and walk away

Cheapest Cheez-it's Yet!

I took a picture of this at the grocery store today.
Look how cheap they are! A dollar cent!


Today Catie's mom is throwing her big annual Christmas party.
Last year my dad got drunk and did some not so classy things in her bathroom with his date.
Ew. I am so sorry Catie.
But anyways, I suggest that you guys go to her party and keep her company (:

Tomorrow is CHRISTMAS. I'm not really in the whole, 'Christmas Spirit' like I have been previous years. It's weird how that happens.
Last year I wasn't really either but I just though, eh, maybe it's just this year and the others will be different. But now I come to realize that I may never be as into Christmas as I used to be.
I really want to though, It was always such a favorite time of mine :]
I got people presents this year that I really hope they'll like. I can't wait til they open it.
I want to see my friends in Hilton Head super bad.
It's only been 2 or 3 days but seems much longer.
:(
I love you guyyyys. I still have some people here I need to catch up with as well.
Okay well I'm going to help around the house and feel useful.
Byeeeeeeeeeee!


This blog was gay.
8 on a scale of 1-10 on lameness.

she las lips like stere0!

it's a lovely tuesday night, & i'm enjoying myself with a glass of wine with my sisters.
i feel greeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt.
i love the holidays!
i miss all my friends in hilton head, even though its only been a couple of days.
today was a lot of fun, i hung out with julia, saw cribb, and did the same old beaufort things that i havent done in a while. it brought back oh so many memories.
but it also makes me realize how much more my life fits better in hhi.
nonetheless, i will always love it here.
i went christmas shopping last night and it was really hard finding presents for the guys in my family. guys in general are hard to look for.
for some reason i feel really sleepy right now for some reason.

we just found out my cat hazel is the neighborhood bully.
he's been roaming around fighting other cats in the hood.
which is odd, seeing as i thought he was the sweetest kitty. he always cuddles with me.
what a shame.
i have to stop blogging, i'm sick of it already.
i feel like i have so much more to write, but i can't think at all or remember what i had in mind.
but yeah like i said in my last post..
the kinks are amazing.

lola, lalalala lola!

I've been getting very into The Kinks :]


okay, so I have just arrived to Beaufort.
Sure it's really super close to Hilton Head but trust me it's worlds away.
I went Christmas Shopping today, I forgot how incredibly hard it is to do that.
sweaters are always a nice gift, i've come to realize.
I've been hanging out with Catie a lot this weekend and it's been wonderful, she's a lot of fun.
We hung out with other people as well.

i'm terrible with helping people understand my exact feelings, but i like when they try to figure it out. or show an interest at all, you know?
lately a couple of guys have made passes at me making it obvious they are very into me. guys i'm just not interested in at the end of the day for my own picky ass reasons.
i'm hard to satisfy, yet i'm not.
see, i can't explain anything haha. i don't think i want to be tied down now, just can't do it at the moment because i need one hell of good proof to show they deserve me.
:]
as for now, i'll just go with whatever each day brings me.
going pretty well, wouldn't you say? you wouldn't know, would you.
and if you did would you agree with it?

paranoia, big destroyer

well, last night was crazy to say the least.
lindseys party was absolutely amazing, & it opened up a whole world to me.
I met so many people, and saw people I havent seen in a while.
I danced a lot and talked to everyone, everyone was just so terrific.
things are going to be okay.

and he can't understand, how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.

"and his mother whispered quietly, heavens not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. so live for the moment, and take this advice live by every word. love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard."



So I'm slowly rebuilding, and feeling terrific. I'm young, but getting older, which makes more of a reason for me to just stop pressuring happiness and just live. I love my friends, and I think I'm slowly turning into the old me, never worried, always spontaneous and up for adventurous fun. Actually, I definitely had my worries, just for none of the things I'm talking about now. I'm going to live a hopeful and positive life, and maybe one day an inspiring one. I'm feeling pretty content, I do not need a guy to make me have any sort of joy in myself. I realized that I have to find it in me first before anyone else can. The more I start to get to know and understand myself the more I appreciate myself. The more I start to grow up and be something more. The past few weeks, I stopped believing in most things and that's not good. You should believe in everything and never let something little and not worth it change your mind. I know now, to refresh my life and start from scratch, be something new, something wanted. I'm wanted by my best friends, and slowly even myself. It's something I can smile about, look forward to. It's just high school, it's silly to take anything seriously anyways. Shit happens, this is when you learn what you can tolerate or can't. You learn what shitty guys mean, and you learn what the ones who matter a lot means. It's just a time for a lot of lessons and each person is different. Some people need more lessons, some just need a couple. It doesn't mean anyones better than anyone else, it's just all about how it happens that way. I know I have so much in store for me and I can't wait to find out what it is. So I'm going to keep my chin up and be fucking amazing.

humph. :/

Oh, boy do I want some guy to pick me up in 10 and get coffee.
and we'd hit an all night diner...and then..
we'll see.


And stay up all night to hear about my day, and act like big city kids when the sun comes down.


hahahaha!


awwww.
:(

Tuff Ghost

Hey friends!
I hope everyone's weekend was fantastic. A lot of people asked where I ran off to this weekend. It's actually quite interesting, my dad told me on Thursday that he was randomly going to Texas this weekend and i had to find somewhere to stay this weekend in one day. So Bridget let me stay with her, we were basically kinda sick the whole time. But accomplished so much. She was a lot more sick, yeah. On Friday, I spent celebrating Desiree's 18th birthday! It was such a fantastic day, I picked up Garrett Burke and we went to target to pick out last minute gifts and met up at Kobes. It was a slightly awkward dinner, but we made it work. So then we went to the gas station for like an hour, which was kind of...weird.
Garrett showed off his dance moves and I was a part time DJ. We went back to Desiree's house to indulge ourselves in hard ice cream cake, then I took GB home and packed my shit and went to Bridgets. I thought I was going to my mom's but meh, it was too late to go all the way to BFT. So we watched movies and went to bed pretty early. We had to go ring the bell and raise money for the Salvation Army in the morning around 10. Even though we were slowly getting more and more sick so standing in the cold outside of Kroger didn't help. But we raised more money than her dad cause we were two cute girls :)
Then we went to quiznos, and to BFT to go hang out with Julia for a little bit. Then came back to go to Harbour Town to babysit three kids in this little hotel room. That was crazy. This morning we went back to Bridgets Dad's house and She went straight to sleep because at that point she was super sick. & I was just kind of sick. (Which sadly now I'm feeling more sick than this morning..) So I left and went to Desiree's and we stopped at Starbucks to get coffee...and just chat a little bit :] Then we fooled around in Target and back to her house so her mom could dress her for the part as the Virgin Mary in some Christmas pageant.

Yeah, so now I'm here at hooooome. Finally. I've been thinking about taking part in running around spanish wells. So tomorrow morning, that's what I'm gonna do. If i'm feeling better.
Things are up and down now, I'm trying my best to get my mind on other things but sometimes it's too hard.
I just don't know what else to do...

Everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love.

everything's falling, and I am included in that. oh how I try, to be just okay.
yeah but all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you..
and everybodys talking how I can't can't be your love, but I want want want to be your love,
wanna be your love for real.
everything will be alright, if you just stay the night.
please sir don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away.
please sir don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away.

by the way. this in NO way has anything to do with anything going on in my life right now, i just love this song.

hmm..

I think I made a fool of myself once again.
Sick.











Happy birthday Desiree, I hope it's an amazing birthday. One of the best in your life :]
I love you.

The history books forgot about us.

Okay, so yay! I found something to blog about.
If you guys don't already know, my worst subject in school is history. I just...never cared about that stuff or geography and everything.

So. I honestly REALLY know nothing about our history.
But it's interesting.
there is one thing I will always remember.
Now, I don't have all the facts. I know that Iceland is really Greenland and Greenland is really Iceland. They wanted to send people to Greenland because of some kind of like, revenge?
I dont really remember who sent who, or who was sent. I just know, it was a clever idea. AND still to this day, they are STILL named those things. Like, if you go to Iceland, I'm sure you won't find any ice! But pretty land everywhere.
Right?
And Greenland is like...Icy?

Okay, I obviously am more of an idiot then I thought.
But no really, i'm not an idiot, because every other subject in the world, I'm a master at.

Should I even blog anymore?

I don't even know.








I feel like I just don't have anything to write about anymore...

"Love is nothing more than an action."

It's sad when most of the sentences you say start out with "Well, my therapist says.."
But I think my therapist has a lot of good things to say, she seems intelligent. Only hearing me speak for an hour, it seems like she summed up my life better than I could in 16 years.
She wanted to talk to me about everything, my parents, my social life, school, love life.
I actually liked talking about my love life, when she referred to guys I've been with, she wouldn't call them boys. She'd call them men, and also referred to me as a woman. I felt silly hearing her say, "so how are the men in your love life?"
I wanted to say, men? I wouldn't quite call them that, I'm too young to think of people I associate with as men or women. But a part of me loved it, so I just nodded and kept on as if it wasn't anything absurd to be hearing. The truth is, I haven't ever been with men. I've been with boys. Even if they are older than me, they are still boys just because of how they are. When I explained that to her, because really, most of the guys I've had things with were only boys. She said... "I think it may be time you look for a man." I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I was a little dazed and confused. I said, "Well, when I think of men, I think of...way older." She clearly stated to me, that a man isn't necessarily defined by his age, but as how he see's the world. Maybe I'll have better luck if I take her advice, I just don't feel like picking back up again. She says that I make out my life to be more complex then I need to. That I really do have ambition, and I am a good kid. That I'm someone rare to find and that I have a lot in store for myself. It's just, that I can't begin to see it. For me, I try accepting everyone. I get warned about a lot of people in my life. Even if there are signs in front of my face, sitting there just staring me in the eyes. I tend to look past all of them to see the good in everyone. She thinks I do this because I can't do the same for myself. Its harder for me to see the good in me, or to think that I am worth anything. I don't think I've accomplished anything superior or really made a change in anyone's life. I don't think I'm pretty, and I feel original a lot of the time, but sometimes I don't and it kills me. I try to have my own thoughts even though I know I'm always wrong in the end, I just always want to prove things to people. It's like I'm reaching out so much to be something I can't put my finger on. So instead of looking for the good in me, I look for it in other people, no matter how bad I get treated or how I feel later on. Not just with guys even, but sometimes some friends and family. I've grown up around a lot of hostility as a child and I never had a chance to be a kid, without reality always breathing down my neck. That's cause a lot of the problems I have now, which is why I see this lady. Daydreaming was all I really had when I was little, its the only thing I could believe in or look foward too. I'd go to school and walk into my house which to me was a torture chamber, and I would just run to my room and just dream all those years away. Now here I am, things are better, but I got into a habit that I can just...daydeam all my problems away, and when I don't, that's when everything crashes down on me. Because of the things I grew up around it has made it hard for me to let people in, and to trust them. Now when I do, or start caring, I get proved wrong and the cycle starts over.
This doesn't make me weird or mean that I am giving up on anything. I'm not. I still give people chances, I still want to see the good in you.
Things are looking up, I believe.

she's gone across the border man, & you're never gonna see her again.

well this is the last time i'm putting my words out about this. so here goes nothing.
all I ever did was want to make you happy, everything I did was because I cared about you.
I didn't think I ever did anything to make you question me. I'm not perfect, but I did everything I could to make you feel okay. I would have never done anything to upset you or lie to you. Anything of the sort. And now everythings ruined, I dont know if I can go back again. I'm afraid that this will keep happening, and I hate feeling hurt like this just because I really do care about you and I guess that's something you aren't ready to accept. I know you've been though a lot of shit and I know it probably caused this, but would it kill you to believe that maybe I'm different? I mean, I was willing to let you do whatever you had to do to get though...whatever it is you had to get through. but now? it's ending up damaging me, when i didn't think it would. I dont even know what to do at this point, I dont know if you want me to move on or what, but I can't right now. I can't see myself getting into anyone else now, or at least anytime soon.
I'll probably end up deleting this blog just because i regret letting you read it.
I'm not to great with words anyways.

slow dancing in a burning room.

This weekend as excellent! I would certainly give it two thumbs up :]
Lets see. Friday, I went to BFT super early, to go to a couple appointments. Then I went out to lunch with my mother, to Outback. & Then... I headed back to Hilton Head where I met up with Catie. Well, she came to my house. We finally made the spaghetti we've been trying to make for days now, sure, it came out undercooked, but somehow it was still tasty. Gage came over for a little bit, and we Youtube'd mostly everything. Then Catie & I watched the lamest movie EVER invented called The Clique, which we secretly enjoyed watching haha. 'Loser Loser Double Loser As-If Whatever Get-the-picture DUH!'.
yeah. It was pretty lame..
So then! We awoke saturday, and Catie left to go spend an hour at her house getting ready and spending family time, while I took a shower and got ready myself. I headed over to her house and we tried on multiple outfits, and then were off to Main Street. We picked up Kara on the way, and when we got there we went to Ritters. Then Catie had to get...painted? So we had to wait for her to do that and then went to Beaufort to try really hot chicken wings from Carolina wings, where you actually have to sign something because you can die.

Okay, yes, so we left Beaufort, went to pick up Garrett and then Anna at B&N. We all traveled to Guissepis (sp?).
and then went to TJ Max to try on horrible clothes, and then to my house to play Wii.
Gage showed up, and it was all fun.
That's about it. Oh. I spent the night at Caties that night and we made ScoobyDoo mac & cheese, and watched Lords of Dogtown, all fun fun.

I'm happy!
Really.
:]


Okay, that was probably one of my first blogs where I explain everything I've been up to. I usually just talk about my feelings and stupid things no one cares about, meh. It's not so bad, BYE!

Well,

it's come clear to me that sometimes, somethings really do happen for a reason.
things are coming together, i think..

even though one thing that never existed is falling apart.

maybe i'm wrong, or maybe i'm completely right for once.
proof in what i thought was bliss is lacking yet coming through for other things i thought would never come through.