you are so last year.

So, here we are. The last day of 2008.
A little scary, don't you think? It flew by in my opinion, so much has happened.
I've been in so many different situations, had first experiences, had many flings (some way more important than others)
and the year is over. but nothings going to change, i dont think i'll feel different about anything tomorrow then i have for the last 365 days.
hopefully things improve for me, friendships and relationships.
maybe some feelings will grow, into something really great.
i wonder what my new years resolution is. i'd like to become wiser (:
and maybe more caring..
i'd like to say i already am but other people might differ.
i want to cut any drama out of my life.
i want to learn more songs on the piano.
i want to do more singing (yes i can somewhat sing. i'm just immensely shy)
and i want to be really haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy. :D

okay, well i'm going to get ready.
happy new years ;]

magic magic magic

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a boy

hmm..

it's like we're the only people that even exist.


nothing else really matters.

You've got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?

Hey you! Who ever you are that reads my blogs :]
Yesterday & today was a lot of fun.
Urgh but I have such mixed feelings of things. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling anymore or how to react.
All I know is.....

we made a sweet video today!

go here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zumjbrCQ_o8
& watch it in high quality. for high quality purposes.
I am a new video. says my facebook status.
so you should ch-ch-check it!

I met a couple of new people today who I enjoy.
Well...
this is fairly short, but ironically I have so many thoughts and feelings right now that no blog is good enough to be exposed to.
but hgdfsoighsiogidfhgo
gdfshgdiofhgdfhghdfighdf
dfsogdfighdioghdfiogiodfhg
says it all.
no hidden message.
no nothing.
i'm out.
watch the video.
get back to me.

The mysterious man and his obsession of the Mushroom

Today was crazy, crazy fun.
I woke up pretty late & hung out with the sisters. We went shopping, and then back to the house to play scattergories. before that, I played Monopoly with my sister Lacie, and she beat me bad. I am always bad at knowing which properties to buy, and I always go to jail. Or the community chest/chance cards I get makes me lose money.
and she always gets monopoly and buys all these houses to make me pay her more. I'm not terrible at the game though.
Anyways after that we went to this really creepy Thai restaurant that was kind of a hole in the wall. Just a man & his wife's business and has only been open for a few months. They were so sketch, the guy who was our waiter. the only waiter. I looked around and realized he had a lot of framed pictures of mushrooms. I simply asked, "Sir, not to seem rude, but what's the deal with all the photographs of mushrooms." He whipped his head quickly and looked at me and almost immediately said, "I love mushrooms." So I just kind of looked down, a little weirded out because he went over all these facts on mushrooms and how he picks them. The food was really good, I never had Thai before, but I enjoyed it, even though it was a little spicy. He started talking about the shrooms that people get high on, they're called the Purple Ring mushroom or something. They can grow in cow or horse shit. They range from SC to beyond. He goes, but don't eat those unless you feel like laughing in a closet, and you have nothing else to do for the next 6-12 hours. and just stared at us blankly. and very seriously. i just go, okay i'm going to the bathroom.
I go and look around, I don't actually use the bathroom, but I always like the way ethnic bathrooms look. the decorations were cool, then I saw a comment card. Someone already wrote, "great atmosphere." I thought it was bazaar, so I wrote:

haha, nice toilet.
so we left after he told us more and more facts about mushrooms, I feel like I know a lot about them now.
anyways, my sisters and i thought of something funny to do.
one day i should go up to some random house i dont know, preferably with pretty holiday decorations and knock on the door. when they open im just gonna stare at them, with my mouth open, smiling, looking stupid and just stare at them for a really long time. then i'll just wave bye and walk away

Cheapest Cheez-it's Yet!

I took a picture of this at the grocery store today.
Look how cheap they are! A dollar cent!


Today Catie's mom is throwing her big annual Christmas party.
Last year my dad got drunk and did some not so classy things in her bathroom with his date.
Ew. I am so sorry Catie.
But anyways, I suggest that you guys go to her party and keep her company (:

Tomorrow is CHRISTMAS. I'm not really in the whole, 'Christmas Spirit' like I have been previous years. It's weird how that happens.
Last year I wasn't really either but I just though, eh, maybe it's just this year and the others will be different. But now I come to realize that I may never be as into Christmas as I used to be.
I really want to though, It was always such a favorite time of mine :]
I got people presents this year that I really hope they'll like. I can't wait til they open it.
I want to see my friends in Hilton Head super bad.
It's only been 2 or 3 days but seems much longer.
:(
I love you guyyyys. I still have some people here I need to catch up with as well.
Okay well I'm going to help around the house and feel useful.
Byeeeeeeeeeee!


This blog was gay.
8 on a scale of 1-10 on lameness.

she las lips like stere0!

it's a lovely tuesday night, & i'm enjoying myself with a glass of wine with my sisters.
i feel greeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt.
i love the holidays!
i miss all my friends in hilton head, even though its only been a couple of days.
today was a lot of fun, i hung out with julia, saw cribb, and did the same old beaufort things that i havent done in a while. it brought back oh so many memories.
but it also makes me realize how much more my life fits better in hhi.
nonetheless, i will always love it here.
i went christmas shopping last night and it was really hard finding presents for the guys in my family. guys in general are hard to look for.
for some reason i feel really sleepy right now for some reason.

we just found out my cat hazel is the neighborhood bully.
he's been roaming around fighting other cats in the hood.
which is odd, seeing as i thought he was the sweetest kitty. he always cuddles with me.
what a shame.
i have to stop blogging, i'm sick of it already.
i feel like i have so much more to write, but i can't think at all or remember what i had in mind.
but yeah like i said in my last post..
the kinks are amazing.

lola, lalalala lola!

I've been getting very into The Kinks :]


okay, so I have just arrived to Beaufort.
Sure it's really super close to Hilton Head but trust me it's worlds away.
I went Christmas Shopping today, I forgot how incredibly hard it is to do that.
sweaters are always a nice gift, i've come to realize.
I've been hanging out with Catie a lot this weekend and it's been wonderful, she's a lot of fun.
We hung out with other people as well.

i'm terrible with helping people understand my exact feelings, but i like when they try to figure it out. or show an interest at all, you know?
lately a couple of guys have made passes at me making it obvious they are very into me. guys i'm just not interested in at the end of the day for my own picky ass reasons.
i'm hard to satisfy, yet i'm not.
see, i can't explain anything haha. i don't think i want to be tied down now, just can't do it at the moment because i need one hell of good proof to show they deserve me.
:]
as for now, i'll just go with whatever each day brings me.
going pretty well, wouldn't you say? you wouldn't know, would you.
and if you did would you agree with it?

paranoia, big destroyer

well, last night was crazy to say the least.
lindseys party was absolutely amazing, & it opened up a whole world to me.
I met so many people, and saw people I havent seen in a while.
I danced a lot and talked to everyone, everyone was just so terrific.
things are going to be okay.

and he can't understand, how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.

"and his mother whispered quietly, heavens not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. so live for the moment, and take this advice live by every word. love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard."



So I'm slowly rebuilding, and feeling terrific. I'm young, but getting older, which makes more of a reason for me to just stop pressuring happiness and just live. I love my friends, and I think I'm slowly turning into the old me, never worried, always spontaneous and up for adventurous fun. Actually, I definitely had my worries, just for none of the things I'm talking about now. I'm going to live a hopeful and positive life, and maybe one day an inspiring one. I'm feeling pretty content, I do not need a guy to make me have any sort of joy in myself. I realized that I have to find it in me first before anyone else can. The more I start to get to know and understand myself the more I appreciate myself. The more I start to grow up and be something more. The past few weeks, I stopped believing in most things and that's not good. You should believe in everything and never let something little and not worth it change your mind. I know now, to refresh my life and start from scratch, be something new, something wanted. I'm wanted by my best friends, and slowly even myself. It's something I can smile about, look forward to. It's just high school, it's silly to take anything seriously anyways. Shit happens, this is when you learn what you can tolerate or can't. You learn what shitty guys mean, and you learn what the ones who matter a lot means. It's just a time for a lot of lessons and each person is different. Some people need more lessons, some just need a couple. It doesn't mean anyones better than anyone else, it's just all about how it happens that way. I know I have so much in store for me and I can't wait to find out what it is. So I'm going to keep my chin up and be fucking amazing.

humph. :/

Oh, boy do I want some guy to pick me up in 10 and get coffee.
and we'd hit an all night diner...and then..
we'll see.


And stay up all night to hear about my day, and act like big city kids when the sun comes down.


hahahaha!


awwww.
:(

Tuff Ghost

Hey friends!
I hope everyone's weekend was fantastic. A lot of people asked where I ran off to this weekend. It's actually quite interesting, my dad told me on Thursday that he was randomly going to Texas this weekend and i had to find somewhere to stay this weekend in one day. So Bridget let me stay with her, we were basically kinda sick the whole time. But accomplished so much. She was a lot more sick, yeah. On Friday, I spent celebrating Desiree's 18th birthday! It was such a fantastic day, I picked up Garrett Burke and we went to target to pick out last minute gifts and met up at Kobes. It was a slightly awkward dinner, but we made it work. So then we went to the gas station for like an hour, which was kind of...weird.
Garrett showed off his dance moves and I was a part time DJ. We went back to Desiree's house to indulge ourselves in hard ice cream cake, then I took GB home and packed my shit and went to Bridgets. I thought I was going to my mom's but meh, it was too late to go all the way to BFT. So we watched movies and went to bed pretty early. We had to go ring the bell and raise money for the Salvation Army in the morning around 10. Even though we were slowly getting more and more sick so standing in the cold outside of Kroger didn't help. But we raised more money than her dad cause we were two cute girls :)
Then we went to quiznos, and to BFT to go hang out with Julia for a little bit. Then came back to go to Harbour Town to babysit three kids in this little hotel room. That was crazy. This morning we went back to Bridgets Dad's house and She went straight to sleep because at that point she was super sick. & I was just kind of sick. (Which sadly now I'm feeling more sick than this morning..) So I left and went to Desiree's and we stopped at Starbucks to get coffee...and just chat a little bit :] Then we fooled around in Target and back to her house so her mom could dress her for the part as the Virgin Mary in some Christmas pageant.

Yeah, so now I'm here at hooooome. Finally. I've been thinking about taking part in running around spanish wells. So tomorrow morning, that's what I'm gonna do. If i'm feeling better.
Things are up and down now, I'm trying my best to get my mind on other things but sometimes it's too hard.
I just don't know what else to do...

Everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love.

everything's falling, and I am included in that. oh how I try, to be just okay.
yeah but all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you..
and everybodys talking how I can't can't be your love, but I want want want to be your love,
wanna be your love for real.
everything will be alright, if you just stay the night.
please sir don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away.
please sir don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away.

by the way. this in NO way has anything to do with anything going on in my life right now, i just love this song.

hmm..

I think I made a fool of myself once again.
Sick.











Happy birthday Desiree, I hope it's an amazing birthday. One of the best in your life :]
I love you.

The history books forgot about us.

Okay, so yay! I found something to blog about.
If you guys don't already know, my worst subject in school is history. I just...never cared about that stuff or geography and everything.

So. I honestly REALLY know nothing about our history.
But it's interesting.
there is one thing I will always remember.
Now, I don't have all the facts. I know that Iceland is really Greenland and Greenland is really Iceland. They wanted to send people to Greenland because of some kind of like, revenge?
I dont really remember who sent who, or who was sent. I just know, it was a clever idea. AND still to this day, they are STILL named those things. Like, if you go to Iceland, I'm sure you won't find any ice! But pretty land everywhere.
Right?
And Greenland is like...Icy?

Okay, I obviously am more of an idiot then I thought.
But no really, i'm not an idiot, because every other subject in the world, I'm a master at.

Should I even blog anymore?

I don't even know.








I feel like I just don't have anything to write about anymore...

"Love is nothing more than an action."

It's sad when most of the sentences you say start out with "Well, my therapist says.."
But I think my therapist has a lot of good things to say, she seems intelligent. Only hearing me speak for an hour, it seems like she summed up my life better than I could in 16 years.
She wanted to talk to me about everything, my parents, my social life, school, love life.
I actually liked talking about my love life, when she referred to guys I've been with, she wouldn't call them boys. She'd call them men, and also referred to me as a woman. I felt silly hearing her say, "so how are the men in your love life?"
I wanted to say, men? I wouldn't quite call them that, I'm too young to think of people I associate with as men or women. But a part of me loved it, so I just nodded and kept on as if it wasn't anything absurd to be hearing. The truth is, I haven't ever been with men. I've been with boys. Even if they are older than me, they are still boys just because of how they are. When I explained that to her, because really, most of the guys I've had things with were only boys. She said... "I think it may be time you look for a man." I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I was a little dazed and confused. I said, "Well, when I think of men, I think of...way older." She clearly stated to me, that a man isn't necessarily defined by his age, but as how he see's the world. Maybe I'll have better luck if I take her advice, I just don't feel like picking back up again. She says that I make out my life to be more complex then I need to. That I really do have ambition, and I am a good kid. That I'm someone rare to find and that I have a lot in store for myself. It's just, that I can't begin to see it. For me, I try accepting everyone. I get warned about a lot of people in my life. Even if there are signs in front of my face, sitting there just staring me in the eyes. I tend to look past all of them to see the good in everyone. She thinks I do this because I can't do the same for myself. Its harder for me to see the good in me, or to think that I am worth anything. I don't think I've accomplished anything superior or really made a change in anyone's life. I don't think I'm pretty, and I feel original a lot of the time, but sometimes I don't and it kills me. I try to have my own thoughts even though I know I'm always wrong in the end, I just always want to prove things to people. It's like I'm reaching out so much to be something I can't put my finger on. So instead of looking for the good in me, I look for it in other people, no matter how bad I get treated or how I feel later on. Not just with guys even, but sometimes some friends and family. I've grown up around a lot of hostility as a child and I never had a chance to be a kid, without reality always breathing down my neck. That's cause a lot of the problems I have now, which is why I see this lady. Daydreaming was all I really had when I was little, its the only thing I could believe in or look foward too. I'd go to school and walk into my house which to me was a torture chamber, and I would just run to my room and just dream all those years away. Now here I am, things are better, but I got into a habit that I can just...daydeam all my problems away, and when I don't, that's when everything crashes down on me. Because of the things I grew up around it has made it hard for me to let people in, and to trust them. Now when I do, or start caring, I get proved wrong and the cycle starts over.
This doesn't make me weird or mean that I am giving up on anything. I'm not. I still give people chances, I still want to see the good in you.
Things are looking up, I believe.

she's gone across the border man, & you're never gonna see her again.

well this is the last time i'm putting my words out about this. so here goes nothing.
all I ever did was want to make you happy, everything I did was because I cared about you.
I didn't think I ever did anything to make you question me. I'm not perfect, but I did everything I could to make you feel okay. I would have never done anything to upset you or lie to you. Anything of the sort. And now everythings ruined, I dont know if I can go back again. I'm afraid that this will keep happening, and I hate feeling hurt like this just because I really do care about you and I guess that's something you aren't ready to accept. I know you've been though a lot of shit and I know it probably caused this, but would it kill you to believe that maybe I'm different? I mean, I was willing to let you do whatever you had to do to get though...whatever it is you had to get through. but now? it's ending up damaging me, when i didn't think it would. I dont even know what to do at this point, I dont know if you want me to move on or what, but I can't right now. I can't see myself getting into anyone else now, or at least anytime soon.
I'll probably end up deleting this blog just because i regret letting you read it.
I'm not to great with words anyways.

slow dancing in a burning room.

This weekend as excellent! I would certainly give it two thumbs up :]
Lets see. Friday, I went to BFT super early, to go to a couple appointments. Then I went out to lunch with my mother, to Outback. & Then... I headed back to Hilton Head where I met up with Catie. Well, she came to my house. We finally made the spaghetti we've been trying to make for days now, sure, it came out undercooked, but somehow it was still tasty. Gage came over for a little bit, and we Youtube'd mostly everything. Then Catie & I watched the lamest movie EVER invented called The Clique, which we secretly enjoyed watching haha. 'Loser Loser Double Loser As-If Whatever Get-the-picture DUH!'.
yeah. It was pretty lame..
So then! We awoke saturday, and Catie left to go spend an hour at her house getting ready and spending family time, while I took a shower and got ready myself. I headed over to her house and we tried on multiple outfits, and then were off to Main Street. We picked up Kara on the way, and when we got there we went to Ritters. Then Catie had to get...painted? So we had to wait for her to do that and then went to Beaufort to try really hot chicken wings from Carolina wings, where you actually have to sign something because you can die.

Okay, yes, so we left Beaufort, went to pick up Garrett and then Anna at B&N. We all traveled to Guissepis (sp?).
and then went to TJ Max to try on horrible clothes, and then to my house to play Wii.
Gage showed up, and it was all fun.
That's about it. Oh. I spent the night at Caties that night and we made ScoobyDoo mac & cheese, and watched Lords of Dogtown, all fun fun.

I'm happy!
Really.
:]


Okay, that was probably one of my first blogs where I explain everything I've been up to. I usually just talk about my feelings and stupid things no one cares about, meh. It's not so bad, BYE!

Well,

it's come clear to me that sometimes, somethings really do happen for a reason.
things are coming together, i think..

even though one thing that never existed is falling apart.

maybe i'm wrong, or maybe i'm completely right for once.
proof in what i thought was bliss is lacking yet coming through for other things i thought would never come through.

fever is near, i wish you here.

hmm.. i'm happy :)
okay, time for an early christmas wish-list!


- Anything cute from Victoria's Secret. Something like...

hahahahha. whatever, it's nice.

- Just for someone to burn me a cute mixed CD would be amazing ;]

- The book, 'Pure Sunshine', I can't find it at B&N. They said they can order it though.

- Anything from Urban Outfitters would be swell.

- Any cute movie.

- Radar Detector, for sure.

- An easy-bake oven! haha.

- Any season of Sex & The City

- Stella!! On DVD

That's all I can really think of for now. BTW this isn't me asking anyone who is reading this to get me anything from here. Just setting that straight, I just wanted a head start on my list.

you should all

fuck off and die

your mind is moving slow.

I figured I'd try keeping this thing somewhat updated.










nevermind, i dont know what to type. what i do want to type, i dont want people reading.

talk to me on aim if you are worth it. & i will IM you some sort of personal blog or something.

yeah...

two blogs down...
forget i wrote that!
thats just me being stupid and moody, and i dont even care about that stuff really.

hahaha, embarrassing.

yasmin the light

urghhh!
i'm so fed up with everyone and everything right now, bahhh.
when things are so well something always happens and it all turns bad.
i knew it wouldnt stay that great for long.


on a lighter note,
i enjoyed hanging out with bridget today, we have a lot of fun together.
a lot of people don't understand us or why we are the way we are, but we just are.
and we like it this way, (:
we give each other great advice and aren't afraid to hurt each others feelings or anything.
cause we can always make it better!
which is pretty great, i'd say. also! i'm pretty excited about this weekend, especially nov. 15th.
it's going to be a dream.

he's only my enemy. i'll crush him with anything i own.

okay, so here's the thing. i'm sick of little bullshit romances. they always find me, and i guess i'm the perfect target. every person i've fallen for lately, i've come to realize they really dont give a shit about me. and i'm addicted to thinking they do, and that there's hope. i know that there isnt, but theres this part of me that wont let me believe it. even though i know i shouldnt put anymore effort into this person, it sounds stupid but i want them to know i'm worth more than this, i know i am. i'm worth more than what i give myself credit for, and that in no way am i saying that i am perfect. because these guys i start liking, i know that i'm perfect for them, maybe not for a lot of people but for that person. people tell me i can't find a relationship because i always pick shitty guys, i don't pick the guys most girls would. you know, cute, attractive, sweet, sensitive. i like guys who are so unique that i can't compare them to anyone else, i want them to think of me as a girl that is so different from anyone they've ever met that they can't let me go, and that sounds SO cocky. but i dont mean it in that way at all, i just mean for ONCE, and i mean just for once i want some guy to realize that i'm worth every word that comes out of my mouth, i'm worth everything he is and that i'm different. just so different. but it's HIGH school. i find myself liking guys who don't know what they want yet, and never will because they are too immature to realize whats standing right in front of them. so now, i keep thinking back to these movies. that perfect guy, he's different, he likes cool music, he's got this grungy mysterious look that only a girl with a big heart and a unique personality and right interests would be into. he sweeps her off her feet, he KNOWS what he wants and he damn right lets her know. it makes you fall in love with him, this character, this guy you think that will never find you. then i realize, he's what? 20 something? he's way older than all these guys i think are worth giving a shot. so i put him into all of them, because i am obsessed with feeling wanted. i just want to feel wanted so bad it hurts and i pay for it at night when i think about how stupid i am for thinking i'm exactly what they want. and what really is frustrating, is i know i'm what they want but i know they arent ready to know that, and know that i'm different then the girl that broke their heart, or the girl they are afraid to see. i dont want to admit this but i used to hook up with guys because i felt if i did that they would want me. they'd feel my touch, and i'd feel theirs, and the electricity would take over every bad feeling and numb it all just for that one moment and change their outlook. but...it never does. and then they just forget about me and i get heartbroken. and no i don't think of myself as a tramp or slut, those kinds of girls do it because they dont give a shit about those guys. they do it because its like a drug and it feels good and they dont have to worry about it ever again, and they sleep with them. i don't. thats not the hooking up i'm talking about, just to clear things up.
basically what i'm saying, is theres something inside of me just screaming to get out to let everyone know, is i'm so different. i'm worth it, really i am. once again, my heart has been messed wtih and honestly i don't know how much more i can take, i'm slowly being scarred and its damaging my idea of this perfect guy.

i just want to be happy.
i want to know someones there for me,
and no i'm the last thing from clingy. there have been guys that have actually wanted me but the clingyness just freaked me out and i couldnt do it.

now its just making me feel worthless, unwanted, nothing special, and THAT girl.

i just want to find the missing piece to the big picture and when i do.
i know i'll be a happier person, if only they understood.
i made the effort to meet him half way, so why cant he meet me, and stop staying in the same place and come towards me? i'll be waiting here forever and i know i should leave but i cant turn back.
i have to, i have to.

"always mad, & usually drunk but I love her like no other"

I don't know if I can say that I'm happy. I should be, I think I'm slowly getting what I want, but I just don't know if its how I want it...
Actually this is stupid. Don't pay attention to this blog. It's pointless!

put me on a plane, fly me to anywhere.

It's been a while since I've blogged, I know this.
Things for me these days are intense, crazy. I notice I don't plan anything. Like, I don't know if I'm staying at my dad's one night, or my mom's. I hang out with my friends still, & that is great.

But other than that, the love life? Kind of non-existent. Lately I've been trying to force myself to get into someone, ending up feeling used or feeling like I used someone myself.
Either way all in all, I don't feel worth it, & I feel like I'm just a waste of everyone's time. I feel like, I'm good for someone in the moment. Til something better comes along and in my case, something better ALWAYS comes along.
I wish something better could come along for me. I don't know when it will, but hopefully it's worthwhile.
I grew up around awful relationships, & some of my own. My mother had bad luck with someone, my parents got divorced when I was pretty young. & my brothers & sisters had bad relationships as well. Now I see my dad with a new girl every night. Sure I joke about it, & people think its funny that I can't keep track of his girlfriends, but it all traumatizes me. I feel like some of those girls he's dating sometimes, good for that day, but tomorrow I don't even exist. Its just a confidence boost in the end I think. To feel wanted in that moment, but who am I kidding? I was never wanted. Who knows when I will ever be wanted, but from all the messed up things I went through...it leads me to think when I feel like someone WANTS me, that I cant even believe them. That it's just a joke & it will be over soon.
I guess what I'm saying in this...well...one of the most pathetic blogs I've ever written is. I admit it, I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, its hard for me to trust anyone now. Especially lately. I've been feeling used.
My question is, is if I know I'm being used by them, why do I still find it admirable?
Why do I keep coming back.

I'm on the path for looking for something great that I'll never find. Cause my own stupid ways can't guide me there.

we laugh in the face of love cause nobodys really there, nobodys real.

call yourself a person, people dont do that shit man.
grow the fuck up, learn what you want. gossiping is an act for the young and you should know better.

you ruined everything for me, and yourself.
why do you even say the things you say?
well fuck off, i dont even care anymore

tried to stay awake and remember my name.

the smoky air calmed her
she didnt know if it was the mix of the incense or the people moving around
or maybe the amazing music which felt like it was a war full of loud but really exciting explosions!
she felt at peace, as if time wasn't one to exist, she rode on a stream of music notes
into a universe where nothing mattered
where everyone lived in huge mushroom houses, and jim morrison was the sound of the rain.
there was never black and white just a mix of vibrant lovely colors
her mind was racing and jumping, it was the most amazing feeling one can feel
yet indescribable and unimaginable. the trees shouted love and exploded with green,
oh all the green! it was like a ride she couldnt stop taking, it was a breath she couldnt stop breathing.
it was the night everything changed, she let go and breathed it in.

I dont care what nobody says, no i'm gonna be his lover.

another post, another rant. i figured i'd just keep you updated. even though i wrote pretty late last night, oh so much has happened since. last night i fell asleep without a thought in my mind. and i know that because i usually remember things i think about before i drift off to sleep. but last night, i got nothing. but what i do know is i went somewhere, yet thats too personal for this blog itself. hell, maybe i'll start a diary and say things ive always wanted to say in here. well lets just say i woke up feeling pretty good, a clean mind and everything was okay. my mom comes in asking me if my alarm had gone off, and i told her in fact that it did. about 10 minutes from when she came in, and that i was simply resting my eyes for a little bit- i had plenty of time to do nothing this morning, no one to pick up and nowhere to go. she asks me if i took the medicine the handed me last night, and i said i didnt. so she made me take it today. i hate that pill, it makes me feel weird. i had to take it last year and it made me feel like a robot, 'cept with less metal and screws in my body. she started saying things that upset me, just a little. things as in how i have problems and i need to suck it up, and take what she gives me. after a while she was basically calling me psychotic. and who knows, maybe i am. maybe everyone is, no one is sane most of the time anyways. so, tears just started pouring down my face and i grabbed my keys and left. i started driving somewhere and i didn't know where i was. i know it wasnt school, thats a damn sure. towards the middle of the day i realized this was stupid, i need to come home. but beaufort to me isnt home anymore, being with my dad, and the house in hilton head? thats home to me now. i feel understood here and so much more relaxed. anyways, i head to bluffton and eventually i got there. my dad wasnt at his office so i head towards the house, and of course he was there. i thought the first thing he would do is yell mercifully at me, and tell me what a fuck up im becoming, thats what i expected at least. but he listened to me, word for word. i could tell me was because when he's not, he just cuts you off and the conversation usually only has one side to it. but i guess in this conversation there was one side. and for once, he was on mine! actually my side, he was agreeing with everything i said. he wanted what was best for me, made several phone calls and took me to breakfast. i wont get into things that are being worked on right now, but my life is coming together again, and its because of him. parents do have benefits, after all. so much madness has overtaken me in the last week, its incredible. but i'm sane, i'm living, i'm breathing, and i'm going to be okay...
my dad took me to breakfast in his car today and i was just sitting there. i got all these flashbacks of being a little girl again. i remembered sitting there, in the passenger seat listening to his cheesy spanish and electro-pop music. but i didnt complain, because even though i hated it so much, i loved the feelings that came back into me as when i was little. it was a reminder to me that i was really happy once upon a time. no, im not saying im a depressed little freak. sure, i go through some depression and anxiety but its not like that all the time, and i dont want this blog giving out the wrong idea. i was just such an easy-lucky-free kind of girl.
well, my dads home and we're going to barnes and noble to get a diary and maybe a few books for me to start reading.
thanks for reading, its good to know that you do.
-me

"i was a part of every single intrument; literally a part."

i finished an amazing book, Go Ask Alice. i've never read a novel so fast, i can't honestly say i remember the last time i've read at all...
it's almost like a wonderful world. compare a great book to a movie. sure the movie plots things out for you, but it will never take you to a more intense extent your mind can make it. i forgot how refreshing reading makes you feel. i feel stupid and idiotic talking about this but i dont know, its a nice change. i think im going to start reading a lot now, there are a lot of things i'd like to read.
so far a list of to read's are:
-perks of being a wallflower (i need to finish that)
-a million little pieces
-crank
-a piece of cake

and there are others, but i really cant think. i just felt its time for a new blog!

schools pretty rough these days, and more stressful then ever. and its just the beginning of the year. it can only go down from here, i'd like to say i was strong enough to pick myself up but to be completely honest i dont think i am. maybe ive tried too many times to let things go, not to care, to better myself. but after trying so much, its just not something easy to do anymore. i'm not saying i necessarily want to give up. i just feel like i've disappointed and turned my back to a lot of people i care about. nothing was intentional. maybe i want things back to how they used to be, however that was. then again, i want something new..
but really, nothing can ever be new. i mean sure, things can be new but when people say they want a new life, well, not everything can change like that. everything has a different pace. but i wouldnt NOT be happy if somethings did change. i'm not happy where i am, i'd like to live with my dad. we've been getting along a lot more lately, and he just talks to me more and acts like he cares about me and whats going on. i know my mom loves me and i know she tries so hard to reach out. i feel bad, i want to reach out to her too. its just....i dont feel so close to her as i did when i was really little, which i vaguely remember. of course ultimately? i'm closer to my friends... but of course at this point id be. teenagers live in a completely different world then...any other age, or generation. we cant talk to kids in junior high and elementary school, and even like freshman. i cant talk to people way older than me either. its easier to understand and not judge as much at this age, at least for your friends. teenagers LOVE to judge, i mean its their second language. but at least they do it in good manor. adults just criticize us. which is all okay, i mean we all need a little criticism once in a while. but its like we have those people who just will always accept you, and never put you down. i wish this blog was more onto one complete subject, i feel like i've talked about a lot of different things tonight. but i think thats the point of a blog, you know. kind of like a public diary except not really..
it's public but no one reads it anyways. unless i ask them to, then thats different. if i asked you to read this very blog then obviously theres a reason i wanted you to. maybe i dont know why, and im sure you dont either but lets just keep it at that.
well, things now are just a bunch of ups and downs. i guess thats all there is, i mean, take today in school for example. it was good, yeah. and then it just hit me in the middle of class. i was miserable, all i wanted to do was get out. it took over me, some power i cant even explain but it just took a hold of me and made me want to leave and ditch everything im supposedly working so hard for. i dont know what it was that bothered me so much at that point, but it bothered me terribly. i cried in school today, which is hard for me to say because thats just utterly humiliating. i talked to the head of our small school, ACT (for you hilton head kids that stands for Arts Communication & Technology) and our school is seperated into 4 different parts filled with different majors and we have a principle for each one. well, i talked to mine today and that helped, i just bottle up so much stress and never talk about it with anyone. i pretend every second of my life is so fucking fine, 100%, never ending happiness. if that exists somewhere, i'd like to know who lives this life because it seems pretty far from whats going on these days. i feel like a brat for saying this stuff but maybe i like writing it out, its like im talking to myself but not really. i dont know, its cool. ANYWAYS after i talked to her, i felt better and went back to class and everything was fine, but every once in a while ill feel like a bunch of bricks just hit me. my moms putting me on medication again, i hate being put on medication. we got my prescription today, and its the same that i took last year but it didnt work then and if it still doesnt work now, they said the next step is to take xanax bars. which i DEFINITELY do not want to do, i'm the kind of person who hates to have a feeling take over me, to make me dependent on it. its just really scary to me. either this time my medication works or im just going to have to lie and say it does, and go through the same stuff all over again. either away i dont want to be on autopilot like i was last year. i need to make a change.

im on my feet, im on the floor, im good to go.

fuck it all, everything. im sick of the ups and downs, the ups just get my hopes up and then when the downs come i feel like shit.
nothings easy anymore, everyone has it great and everyone has it bad. nothing is certain anymore, i dont know what i'm doing half the time, i'm just watching time go by and while i think im having a great time theres always something telling me to be guilty for that fun. or that fun that i think can turn into something better is just a waste of my time. when i think about it thats all im doing, is just wasting my time. everything is a fucking choice now. i have to fucking choose my friends, i cant just be friends with whoever i want and have everything a-okay. i cant have anything desirable because it wouldnt work that way. no one understands what im saying and i like it that way. im sick and i feel alone and shitty. i hate school and my job. i dont know what doing anything is worth anymore. im writing a sonnet for an emo wristcutter, yet i dont care what you think.
this is me talking, maybe its the fever or the fact that it feels like ive only slept 20 minutes all week. even though its been longer than that. everyone have a dandy weekend, enjoy it, sink it in.
and have a a great night, and suck my dick

i've been waiting. i've been waiting for this moment all my life.

so, ive noticed people are posting a lot of deep blogs lately, with good points to interesting subjects. what i usually talk about is life & so on. well, there is other things that i can write about.
well, i can't say that. because everything is life. everything in someway is connected to life. hmm, let me think of a random word.
okay, closet. lets relate: closet & life. there are many ways you can relate this.
-in a connecting way :closet is to clothes is to cotton is to plants is to a part of life.
-a metaphor: closet holds things the everyday human needs to have to survive these days. so does life.
-direct connect: thats easy. we have interaction with a closet at least once in our lives. (hopefully more than once, though)
what is there to talk about anymore. i feel like i've said it all, or someone has taken the words right out of me. like right now, i've written a good amount of the most pointless things in the world and theres still no topic. well, i'm going to talk about this, the thing everyone talks about. the top 10 overused word in the world. the word that everyone thinks they know so well.
yes, you guessed it right. love. what is the correct meaning? is it: a really really really really really really really (x342098 more reallys) strong version of like. no. so what is it? love is love, everyone says "oh your not in love your too young and I WOULD know how love really feels, ive been in love, ect. " their dumbasses, love has no meaning, i think that it is its own word and means something different to anyone. if someone says they are in love, leave them alone. if thats what they consider love than so be it. some people take the word more serious, some people throw it around. but thats how they choose to do it, theres not a wrong or right love. love is love. love doesnt have to be forever or else its not real, thats ridiculous. say you met the most amazing person and they make you feel like a billion bucks. eventually, you say you love them. and you really mean it. they cheat on you or kill your brother, your mad and you dont like them anymore. just cause it didnt last, means it was never love? love is an emotion, that people keep forgetting. its not a title, on facebook you cant change your status to; in love. (with the options of in a relationship, swinger, ect.) its an emotion, it can last for however long it has too, and whenever. even as short as 5 seconds. being angry, excited, nervous. those are all emotions too. so what, your going to say that if your not nervous constantly forever, that you were NEVER nervous? no.
so chill out with that word. its not a proposal, its not your definition of love, its theirs. & they can play around with that however they want.

so, whats your definition of it?


so there you have it, another blog about life. which every blog anyone will write will be about.
even if they decide to blog about their closet.

should i go back, should i go back, should i?

mmm,
i havent blogged in a while. so i'm sure you all know about this wonderful tropical thunderstorm or whatever you'd like to call it going around. yes, hanna.
thankfully, we are out of school tomorrow cause of it (: which is awesome.
the 4 day weekend was pretty awesome as well. i spent it in hilton head with a bunch of my close friends. my dad was really sick so i also had to be there for him. first we went to the football game, catie & i. we saw neat people there and brady stuck by us for a while. we ran into kara and erin and gage and mehhhh, other people!
oh, and hilton head high's band ROCKS. the way they march on that field with their big drums, just so talented.
then we went to wendys, that was pretty cool. catie and i woke up, early kind of and went to the beach with terry and kara. i thought i got a lot of sun, but my skin didnt think so obviously. then we went to hear sara burns play and saw ian garrett gage brady and friends. haha, yeaaaah. THEN next morning catie & i went to ihop with gage and had a little grillout for her BIRTHDAY!
that was a blast...
mmmmhm hahaa
anyways
agodfhagar
i dont feel like writing anymore. buuuuut, i hope you guys have a great THREE day weekend!
much love,
me

with one hand high, you'll show them your progress.

sometimes the obvious never makes sense to someone so clueless OBVIOUSLY missing out on the big picture to the person who is aware of the situation in all sense.



think about it.




i dont like school, school doesnt like me. waking up at 6:30 is so pointless. i can't wait for next summer.

& i'd offer you my hand, it would hurt too much to watch you die.

okay,
so last blog. totally emo sounding. i was in such a shitty mood when i wrote that, haha. & sure i'm still not really feeling great but i'm not going to sound like i hate life.
we live once, and life is actually really long, and it will go by at the pace you want it to if you just let it. don't force time to go by, just so you can wait for a happier moment. it will come, your not going to be sad forever. thats what i realized, every mood i'm in i just sink into it and make it linger. but i always forget that it will go away at some point or another. just going out to lunch with one of your friends can change the way you felt earlier that day. like, today. i thought, man everyones busy or grounded, im just sitting here alone and feeling terrible. but it WASNT like that, i went out to lunch with desiree and we just talked about everything, laughed, and just conversed. it totally switched me from depressed to loving life and the moment i was in. thats what we live for, is for those moments when we feel happy or like we are having fun. i mean, what else do we live for? make the best out of everyday, any situation. see the brighter side, not the dark.
it will be okay, in the long run. and at the end of the day, its not your boyfriend/girlfriend or best friend that made you happy. its yourself. you let yourself have fun, you let yourself live. you can do that no matter what, if you just find any joy whatsoever you will always be happy, and depending on yourself and never anyone else to fill a spot. its your job to fill it yourself and be happy with everything you do.
so, be patient. everything you could wish for will happen if you just let it. the more you force whatever it is to come that you think will make you incredibly happy, will ruin the chances. you just have to wait and believe it will get there.
i dont believe in much but i believe in a better tomorrow. at least now i do.
overlook whats making you feel like shit, whats getting you in a shitty mood or anything along those lines and just...be patient. and i know, this blog is really corny, but thats what life needs once in a while to get things said.

we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do yeah we do.

i want to feel something again, the pep i had everyday. everythings changing, summers almost over, its the same thing everyday. and the only reason i'm writing this is for a very weird reason itself. because i dont want to post it on myspace, where everyone can read it, and i pretend like this is my own personal diary where only i can read it. yet the fact that anyone can read this, is exciting to me. because no one goes here unless i post something about it somewhere, but i'm not this time. if your reading this, then your reading it. so thank you.
another reason i like blogging, is because its the only place you can whine and complain without worrying what other people think. I mean come on, if I ever said this stuff outloud I'd seem so depressed and just such a 'blah' person, & you probably get that about me if you read this itself. but if you know me, then you'd know im not a blah person.
anyways, i'm rambling and getting way off subject like i usually do..
everything lately has been seeming so unreachable. people are turning twofaced, i dont know who are my friends and who just pretend. what really is the difference between pretenders and non-pretenders anyways. i pretend myself, i pretend to be so fucking happy all my fucking life. i cant ever show sadness, or disappointment. i never want to bring others down. i hope that if i can convince them that everything is going perfect with me, i can convince myself. i dont tell ANYONE half the shit i go through, what i've been through in my past. no one knows, honestly. no one. just me. its inside just growing there and i cant stop it, but its a pain i've been trying to kill for so long but instead its the part thats eating me up inside, where i dont know what to even do anymore. except post a lame ass blog. everyone else blogs about the great things they did that day, or how so in love they are with whoever they are dating,
well i would love.
love, to post a blog about any of that.
and i could, if i really wanted. but why lie to everyone? and myself. at least why do it anymore, i mean really? i have no idea what i want anymore..i dont know who i am. i dont know anyone i think i know, i dont even know where i want to go with my life. all we need are answers, it seems so simple and cliche. but if we could just know the answers to all of our problems, or whats truly wrong with us, everything would be so easy. but thats the funny thing about life, your supposed to find the answers yourself, and sometimes leave things unanswered. i've tried looking but somethings really are meant to be unanswered.
hopefully something will be left unquestioned for me.
and hopefully soon.

11:11

"11:11"

please wake me when the clock hits that time
'cause hopefully tomorrow you'll be mine
last week, it didnt work
but this time
i'm feeling sure.
if only you knew how much this meant
and how i want our time well spent
just please this time, make it come true
because you wont regret
the way that i'll treat you.

it's the next day, no word from you at all
everyday makes my hopes get small
its not like how it was before, i mean.
but i promise you'll know
how much you truly mean to me
an hour's gone by and still no word
forget this '11:11' we've all heard
its just a silly way to make people feel real
and honestly sabotage
all those pity feelings we feel

i've given up hope for good now, baby dont you know?
the clocks outside my door, i hear it tick so slow.
but maybe i'll spend just one more day
bring the clock back inside
count down the minutes and i'll say:
please make him mine, this wish would put on a real smile
after that i put the clock outside, but only for a little while...
because after i came inside
you were out in front of my house
holding the clock tightly as if for your life.

after that day i've never been the same
its been you and me, living in the hall of fame
so please wont you wake me
when the clock hits 11:11
so i can wake up beside you
and feel like im drifting off to heaven

OKAY!.

lets talk about space ships or anything 'cept you and me okay?
lets talk about space ships or anything 'cept you and me okay?
okay.

don't look now but theres a spider crawling on the wall behind you
i should have paid attention in algebra

your mouth is open wide, the lover is inside.

okay..
well i haven't blogged in a while.
honestly nothing is really different, nothing has really changed.
my birthday was fun. i'm sixteen, but i don't feel different.
the party consisted of going putt-putting, haha.
everyone came back to my dads house for a pool party thing.
then garrett and gage left and it was me, desiree, bridget, anna, and terry. i had to take terry home before he could eat pizza & cake with us. lame.
but overall it was a fun birthday.
other than that, i'm taking each day at a time. i'm not making any plans for anything.
for the rest of the summer i just want to go with the flow, and do things in the moment. no planning ahead. actually, that was a great conversation me and bridget had today. its like, these are the years to be completely free, not be obsessed over planning out your childhood, or being work-obsessed. i guess you should be school obsessed, but that's something that i'll never be. when we're adults we dont have an excuse to be carefree. theres going to be that bill we need to pay, taking care of our familys, & not being taken care of so contently and precise as we are now. the future really does freak me out. motion city soundtrack speaks the honest fucking truth. every year that goes by just scares me more and more. it seems like yesterday, i was counting down the minutes til i turned 10 years old. i remember, counting down the last 10 minutes haha. it seems like yesterday, because thinking "yay, i'm going to be a two digit number" that was six years ago. it felt like 6 days ago. im going to be 22 6 years from now, saying "i remember turning 16 like yesterday." isnt that weird? well if today is yesterday then i'm not ready for tomorrow to come yet.
if you could make sense of that, then thank you. because explaining it just seems like too much work at this point.
well. to all of you reading, i hope i know you tomorrow.

i'll talk about anything

i'll talk about anything
blankets or bays
to hear you speak the words you say
out of curiosity is it over now?
for once this time its been listed still.
its all for the pleasure of that one little pill
but to hear you get deep
in a conversation so mild
its the one i wait for only once in a while

ill talk about anything
about cameras or the waves
its all about us this time thats safe to say
not the flash from the light or the candid shots
but after today its in the roots that rot
i've got a million years to spare but whats it all for
to hear your thoughts come out' a little more
its the one i speak of
that time of day
to hear everything we've wanted to say

ill talk about anything
the rug on your floor
its just a little more expensive then what we bargained for
i've got it in a jar but marked shut for cause
its after this we wont know at all
but i've got this secret
you've been dying to know
i dont know what it is yet
after that i'll go but while i'm waiting i just want say
i'll talk about anything
its better that way

But all I ever really wanted was a little peice of you.

My birthday is in 4 days :)
I'm pretty excited because its my sweet 16. It seems like everyone's leaving town or something though :(
but it's okay, i'm sure it will be a great birthday.
So tonight I went out to eat with my dad @ outback. & i realized how different it was from when I was a little girl. I never tried to see if I knew anyone around me, or anything like that. That was never a care in my mind. Things are just really different now. & also, I'm really considering moving in with my dad, because I kind of want to live in Hilton Head. It seems like all that I do in Beaufort now is stay at home & work. My friends there are always busy now or can never do anything. I dont know why, I just felt like more people cared enough to hang out with me here.
& i'm not the person to just sit at home, I love being out and with people. I love meeting new people especially. its just always so exciting when i come to hilton head, it actually feels like people care about me. The beginning of summer, i was in beaufort most of the time, and i was really close to my friends and we'd do things every day. but like the last week i haven't heard from them. i guess that can be a lot of different things though, all i know is im tired of everything there and i just kind of want to get out i guess.
& this is going to sound utterly and completely selfish and i swear i've never said anything like this before, but i really can't wait until things go my way for once. how i want them. not hearing people say "dont get your hopes up". because i do and i get hurt, no matter what the situation is.
hopefully tomorrow will be an amazing day, who knowwwws!
maybe i'll find something amazing to do.
i don't feel good so i think i'm gonna go.
okayyyyy byeeeee!

Now that you're leaving, I love you like never before

Ughhhhhhhhhhh.
Days are going by so fast & I feel like I'm going NOWHERE.
At times I'll just be super happy, like nothing can get me down.
& others I just feel really really low about myself. I just never feel good enough for people, and even sometimes myself. I don't understand, because even though people may not believe it, I DO want to make people happy all the time. Its like they don't notice and I'm wasting my time.
And as stupid as this sounds, I've been noticing other people a lot lately. Like I'll be super jealous of someone. & not just the way they look or something, but of what they have. No, not money or other pointless things like that. I mean that they have people that they are in true love with, that love them back. & they are so young, but SO happy. Every kid I know is suddenly falling in love, but I just havent really gotten the memo to find someone for myself. Or when I really start to like someone somthing just has to mess it up and then its...over. & it makes me so upset and I get the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I honestly just dont feel good enough for anything or anyone anymore. & I know that sounds stupid and emo but it's true and I don't like admitting it. It's come down to where I just don't know what to do. And I'm not writing this to be like 'ohhhh i want LOVE that's all!'. Because I understand I'm just 15, [16 in 9 days!] and I know I have so much time. But I just don't like feeling like....this. I have no idea what 'this' is, but its a really weird and unsatisfying feeling. When my friends or anyone come to me with any problem at all, I listen and I always know exactly what to say to make them feel better and help the situation, but with myself I have no IDEA what to do. I can not give advice to myself, I just cant.
Hopefully I'll get through whatever I'm talking about. Because I really don't know what I'm talking about or how to explain what I'm feeling because its intense and I can't come up with the words so this blog probably sounds so stupid.
I just, do not like this feeling.
That is all.
Okaybye.

I'm a sucker for a kind word.

Okay. I am really getting SICK of people.
Fuck all my next door neighbors, all they do is start drama. The most immature kids I know.
They are so fake, and like, talk shit about me and my friends when I don't even have anything to do with them. Because all they are now are fucking losers to me. Seriously, they are sad with their own lives so all they do is talk about people to make themselves feel good.
So don't act like you like certain people, even act like your 'best friends' with them, then say awful things. I'd rather see you show me how much you don't like me JUST so I can show you how much I don't like you either :).
It wouldn't even be a big deal if I didn't live next to these low life idiots.
& to be honest I just really hope they are reading this.
All I have to say to them is, grow up and get a life. Make yourself happy so you can show people how you truly are. Otherwise, just be best friends with yourself. That way when your the only person you know, and talk shit about you TO yourself, maybe you can see how ridiculous it is.
Try it! You totally should.
& when you fall asleep at night holding on to your pillow, feeling so satisfied, just know. That your really just alone.
Until you grow up thats all you will really ever be. Your older now, you dont have an excuse to do immature things, you just seem retarded.
Well, I could say so much more about this but to be honest, I dont give a shit about you guys.


On a lighter note:
Tomorrow should be a lot of fun.
Im going swimming with Kristen tomorrow, & who knows what else ;)

kbye!

& he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.

Hahaha, I just listened to Heidi Montag's song 'Higher'. SO CHEESY! and the music video is ten times worse, lmao.

ANYWAYS. My 4th of July was amazing. The first part sucked, when I had to work though. I sold like $86 worth of ice cream, when I usually only sell like 10 dollars worth of it.
Then I head over to Abby's house. Her boyfriend Mark was there and he picked up Julia and they were just waiting for me. Since Abby was sick, I took Julia over to the sands too meet up with a bunch of people to watch the COOLEST fireworks ever. We kinda came at the end so that was...lame. Then it was a bitch getting out because there were so many cars & people so Julia & I rolled down all the windows and blared GANGSTA jams, and all the old people stared at us hahaha. We drove over to Gregs house and met up with Kristen and Jake and them. We did a bunch of things after that then I went back to Abby's and made her a BATH WITH CANDLES! It was romantic, except I didnt like get in it or anything because that would be awkward and lesbian.

Uh. So yeah. I guess now Bridget & her mom might come to Beaufort and eat at plums because I WORK THERE. But I'd go with them and stuff. I mean, that should be pretty fun.
MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 13 DAYS GUYS! I am so excited...
I wonder what I'm going to do for it since I suck at planning out things, really. I'd like to have a pool party or something though. Who knows, maybe I'll just go out to dinner or something. But it's my sweet 16 so I wanna do something really fun, and cool you know?
I don't know whats so sweet about turning 16 though, its just a random age. Its like saying a sweet 82 or something. I guess it means you can start working because places hire kids at 16? I do not know. I guess I'm just bored and talking about stupid things like I always do.
You know what is actually really fun? Going on youtube and watching videos about whats going on with the celebrities these days. Especially the ones Perez Hilton is in haha. He knows everything!

And he has my last name.
Im out,
HOLLA!

I can be so much more than this.

Okay so despite my last depressing blog, today turned out to be pretty good.
all you really do need are your friends. seriously, catie and bridget were here for me all day.
it made them happy just to see me happy. thats so amazing to me.
we went to the beach and stuff and i had so much fun just being with them.
we have so much fun and can laugh about anything.
then bridget and i went out to dinner with my dad and his friends at this japanese restaurant and that was SO funny. his friends were so young and he was drunk.
i LOVE my dad, haha he is a trip.
anyways bridget is getting out of the shower and im going to see if we are really going to pull of this whole 'all nighter' thing.
its already 4:15!
pretty good i think.
mmk, i'll be updating and whatnot.
<3 ME!

MEH,

its been like an hour?
AND ITS STILL A BAD DAY.

Maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.

Today.
is a bad day.
I don't even feel like talking to anyone, and thats so opposite from me, I LOVE talking.
Especially to people.
Not that I talk to myself...ever.
You know what else is SUPER weird? I don't even feel like EATTING. Which is the absolutely complete opposite of me.
Urgh!
& theres a bunch of creepy construction men out of my window.
My dad ordered a new hot tub to put in our patio by the pool, and they have been here for hours.
Just looking sketchy.
I want taco bell though, I'm not really un-hungry anymore. I knew that wouldn't last long, haha.
But, its still a bad day and I really don't feel like writing right now. So tonight I'll sum up the whole day and we will SEE if it gets better.

The kindness of strangers.

Mmmmk.
So tonight was the concert. It was amaaazing.
YMC & LITM did amazing. Ian basically rocks at singing, Garrett is the best drummer EVER, and Gage and Tyler are badass at bass and guitar. It was a lot of fun. I went with Catie and Kara.
There were a lot of awkward moments though, as well. I am definitely not getting into that haha.

Today was a ton of fun overall though. I woke up & got a text from Caroline K. asking me what time we should go to the beach. We met up for lunch before hand at Fuji's. The most AMAZING japanese restaurant in Beaufort. I got chicken & fried rice and vegetables. Of course, I got extra shrimp sauce. Oh yeah, we were there with Chandler too.
Then we went to the beach and were there for about like 3 hours. That was fun, spent a lot of it just talking about everything. Literally everything! So I went to Abby's house after that and got half-ready for the concert there. Then I went home and got MORE ready and went to Hilton Head. Met up with Catie, and so on. I explained the concert already. If you didn't go, you missed out.
Other than THAT. I'm really confused about a lot of things...
I don't know what to do in some situations and it is really starting to bug me.
Sometimes I get jealous of how easy my friends have it with this certain area.

NEVERMIND! This is dumb, I'm going to bed.
No one reads these anyways.
But I like writing.
It's kind of relaxing.


Sincerely,
Me(:

I change my mind so much I can't even trust it.

Soooooo.
this summer has been pretty funfilling. I've been in Beaufort this week, haven't really been to hilton head once this week.
I've been hanging out with Abby, & basically? The only thing we do it spend money at places to eat food. But its cool with me, i like food.
Oh and tomorrow, well I guess today, I'm going to Shoreline Ballroom to see YMC & LITM perform, AND it's going to be AWESOME!
you guys all need to come and show some support.
I'm so excited to finally see these boys play, because i really never have.
I dont know what to blog about right now to tell you the truth, I just figured I should because I haven't written in here in days. I'm not that interesting..
Well I take that back. I can totally be interesting! It just has to be the right momento. Chicka-yeah!

So Julia comes home from Ireland on THURSDAY. Who is stoked about that? ME! That's who. Abby & I are going to decorate her room, or staircase or something sweet like that.
She called us & told us that she is so excited to be coming home because she was there for a month.
No matter where you are somehow you always just want to go home even if you think you hate it soooo much. Thats why you should never, ever, move to your favorite place in the world. Save that place for your vacation spot. Cause I learned that anywhere you live you will get sick of it, eventually. Like even kids in California get bored of where they live.
I'm rambling.
I always do that though.


hmmmmmmmmmm.
well. I guess I'll let you stop reading my boring.....blog.
so. bye.

The Ocean Breathes Salty, Wont you Carry it in?

I wish I was as happy as I was in my last blog. This week has been completely fun, but it's starting to turn worse then I thought.
I mean I thought everything was going well.
But I always think that.
Well, yesterday, I woke up pretty late. Bridget came over and we tried making plans for the day. We were going to go to the beach, but that fell through. The weather wasn't too great. So then we went out to dinner, & that was pretty fun. Afterwards we REALLY wanted to go see sex & the city. So we invited a few people. First we invited Terry, but an hour before we went to the movies he canceled to make cookies. Then We invited Peter, one of Bridgets friends. Catie couldn't go because she was feeling sick. Then we invited Garrett, & he said he could go too. So we get home, & we feel pretty excited to meet up with people and go see sex&thecity. Then we get a text from Peter, saying his mom was being a bitch so he couldnt make it. So we were like, bummer. Then we leave and we are like 5 minutes away from the movies and I got ANOTHER text from Garrett saying he was like sick or something? So he could'nt go. THEN we got another text from Peter saying "Oh I can go now." But his car ran out of gas when he was just 5 minutes away from the theatre. So, it turned out, that only Bridget & I showed up to Sex & the City.
It was a GREAT movie though, I enjoyed every minute of it, seeing as I followed every single episode in every one of the show's seasons. I even teared up, because towards the end it got SO romantic. & I never cry in movies, like never. I do cry with some certain sad songs though. I dont know. But yeah, & after that night, I just really haven't been in such a good mood.


But. Oh well. Thanks for reading my pathetic blog.
Hope you are all having a terrific summer.
Love,
Me.

Fever is near, I wish you here.

so...






i'm just happy.
(:


you, make me happy.

Jack & Jill left the Golden State

Well, this is my first blog. I don't even know why I'm making one of these, I'll probably never actually spend a lot of my time blogging.
Hmm.
So I guess I'll put down a few things that have been on my mind, fill in somethings.
Well things are pretty good, I guess. One thing in particular controlling it all.
It can be good, and sometimes it can turn bad.
But all you can really do it hope for the best I guess. Anyways. I'm in Hilton Head right now, and I really really like it here. Like, I love Beaufort too, and my amazing friends there. But I do have friends in Hilton Head too, that are really fun to hang out with. Its hard to be in two places at once, is what I'm trying to say. My dad keeps pressuring me to move in with him, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to completely leave where i lived most of my life. It's just all so hard to figure out.
& school is really annoying, and I don't know why but sometimes I feel like I'm majorly slacking. Which isn't great. But that's something that I will really work on next year, just being an overall better student.

A couple weeks ago, I was...honestly? Just confused about who my friends were. The person that has been there for me most of my life, the one who was my best friend most of my life did something really hurtful that I will never forget. Then new people came into my life, introducing different lifestyles. Looking back on the past two years, I went through the WILDEST phases, & changes! It's so crazy, the friends that change, the way I look & act, the way I dressed. The only thing(s) that really didn't change was the music, I will always love old 90's music from when I was really little. I will always love the songs I listened too in middle school. I will always love bands like Blink 182, and Jimmy Eat World because that is the root of the bands i listen to now! It just goes to show, I guess. How much I really have....changed. I honestly didn't see it coming. Life is just flying by me so fast. I'm just going through life, LOOKING for mistakes to learn from, or watching my friends fall in love, when I have never experienced anything such. I'm not who I was before, & I'm sure I'm not who I'm going to be a couple years from now, or when I'm an adult and I'm finally not afraid to admit that. I'll say it again, haha, I don't know who i am. but its okay. And wow. I just realized how I'm jumping from subject to subject in this blog. I guess it's just a way of getting everything out?

I don't know. Overall. I just want to find out where I'm going and gradually grow up, and find people that really care about me. Just like I care about them. I'm not afraid to put my friends and family before me, or before a boyfriend or whatever. I guess in time, it will all just come to me.