So I'm sitting at work and I have about an hour and a half left, I've pretty much finished up all my work for the day though so I'm really just sitting here until they give me...something to do.
I figured it'd help kill time to blog even though I'm really not supposed to at work.
(They will never know.)
At least I hope not, people do walk by me a lot during the day, so I just gotta be slick about minimizing it before someone comes by.
Just the sound of my managers voice puts me on edge. Something about the sound of it, mixed with the clunking of her high heels against the floor and the way it gets louder the closer she approaches me.
Woot, they just gave me an EKG to do. So now I am TEN more minutes closer to leaving. Isn't that sad? I'm counting the minutes at this point. Usually I am way more busy than this, and I used to complain about it but now I wish I was busy, so I had something to do until I leave.
Today is Wednesday which means it is Yin Yoga night, I'm pretty excited. I think it's one of my favorite yoga classes ever, it's so peaceful and refreshing. It was the first class I ever took actually, at SYC. I just offered to pay for my friend Meagan to come to the class tonight since it's her birthday and she was in training with me, we made friends almost instantly. She's also a good person for me to call if I ever feel like going on a nature walk somewhere or anything outdoorsy, she's the best candidate for the Savannah area.
This Friday is my grandmothers birthday. She is turning eighty years old. It's so strange, I remember celebrating her 67th birthday like it was yesterday. She doesn't even act like she's aged either. Well, sometimes at least. Sometimes she says or does things that make me think she is losing her mind/memory. But who am I to talk, I feel like everyone is slowly losing their minds anyways.
I'm going to try to leave around 8, so I can make it to Charleston without falling asleep. I wasn't completely sure if I was going to go this weekend or not, but now I think I probably should. I feel like my relationship hasn't been its best this week and I know that I owe it to myself and to him to try and get things back to normal again. Whatever normal even was..
Sometimes I never realize just how broken I was left until things make it come out, making it hard for me to let my gaurd down. I don't really know what to do about it or how to help myself. I just always try to tell myself that I'll get better. I hate being this way, it gets in the way of so much in my life. Certain things trigger it like no other. It's just that being in love terrifies me so much, I don't like being some vulnerable girl. And I know that if I were to ever get disappointed even one more time, I don't know what would be left of me anymore. To me, there's nothing worse than getting to that point and it scares the shit out of me. But worrying about it like I do is also not healthy, and pointless. This is kind of why I need to let go of these things I don't need.
Like Facebook for example, I just let it stress me out honestly. I am thinking about not signing on for a few days. I don't want to make some big announcement about it like everyone else does, I don't want to completely delete it, and I'm not trying to distance myself from anyone. I just need to realize that I DON'T need it, because in no way does it serve me. If anyone needs to talk to me, it's not like the can't. I do have a phone, and anyone is more than welcome to come over and chat or go out and do something productive.
I think it would be good for me. Not for long, but just a few days to renew myself. Focus on yoga, and my meditation again. I literally see myself start to unravel when I'm not doing it.
And like I have said multiple times in my past few blogs, it's been a while. This week that I'm starting again is helping sooo much already. Who needs Facebook when you have that?
Now I only have half an hour of work left. See? Blogging is so useful. I can't even believe that I've written this much so far, I guess there was more in my head that I was holding in than I realized. That's why I love this thing. It's like an online diary, and I am pretty sure I'm the only one who see's it now anyways. I love looking back on them too. For instance, it will be awesome looking back on these later on in my life. I wonder what I will think of myself when I'm reading this then. I hope I'll have it more together at that point.
Okay now this is turning into some weird twist, I feel like I am writing some sort of note to my future self. That's kind of creepy. (But seriously, future me, do not judge. I'm just tired today.)
Did I just ask myself to not judge myself? Am I really asking myself if I asked myself not to judge myself?
I seriously almost just deleted that whole entire paragraph just now. ^
But whatever, I'll just laugh at it eventually.
Alex wanted me to go with him to some record store in savannah. But it was only 1:00 when he was going, now I wish I went. Even though that's kind of hard to do while I'm working. I feel like I haven't bonded with him enough lately and that wouldve been something nice to do. I know he always needs someone to talk to, and I guess I do as well. Besides, that's an amazing record store. It's about a block from my house and has the best albums in there. I wonder if he'll still be in the city in about half an hour from now? I'll probably give him a call. How cool would that be if I talked him into going with me to yoga at 7? I actually think he'd really like it. And some more muscle tone for the poor kid wouldn't hurt, either...
Ugh one thing I am not looking forward to is coming home to our kitchen. Derek and Aaron came to clean it a week ago and they left the dirty dishes in the sink, which is fine cause we still had some left in the dishwasher. Well, I realized yesterday that my roommates hadn't touched or washed one dish in that sink. And the only dishes in there that were mine were three wine glasses. Other than that, there was gross mold looking things growing on the plates and cups. So disgusting. I even caught Haley drinking water out of our measuring cup yesterday instead of cleaning a cup for herself to use. I was just like, screw this, I'll just clean them on my own again like always since no one else can wash their plates. I couldnt even fit half of the sink load in the washer. But at least I was able to get a lot cleaned. I left the door on the dishwasher locked so that the next person to go in the kitchen knew to unload the dishes into their clean spaces. When I woke up this morning, someone had literally unlocked the dishwasher, took clean dishes out, ate off of them, and put them BACK in the sink. Didn't even put any clean dishes away or at least lock it back when they were done. It's little things like that that drive me CRAZY. I can't rely on any of them to help me clean up around the house and I'm barely ever home to do it myself so it just sucks. Sometimes it's nice having a small house, or living alone. It's easier to keep up with. Fortunately, the lease will be over soon and I probably won't have to deal with that anymore.
I am pretty sure I typed enough here. Can't lie, it was pretty refreshing getting out all these random thoughts in my head. No wonder I got so addicted to it when I was in high school. I should make it a cool thing again. (It was before Facebook and Instagram blew up)
-M
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
naked as we come
September has been a busy and crazy month so far.
Birthdays, vacations, and life changing news from your sister- the chaos is all so wonderful.
The only thing I regret is the lack of yoga I have been doing due to how crazy it's been. It's probably been anywhere from 3-4 months since I took a class, which is a lot for me. When I go through lulls like this, I get scared to start up again. This always seems to happen when I take breaks. It's like I am afraid to see who I am on my mat when the next practice comes around. I know it'll be someone different than when I practiced last, although they say that's normal for every single practice you do in your life. But it's one thing to be a good change, and another thing to feel a decline. I am afraid that my lack of use will result in a poor teaching career in my future, or cause none at all. It's really all I want, I just can't seem to make it to the point where I just grab the bull by the horns and just start teaching, I always feel like I'm not at my full potential and I don't want to let anyone down that is taking a class from me. I mean, I don't ever really talk about it, but it TERRIFIES me. Most people think I just don't want to do it at all, and I don't care about it, but honestly it's on my mind everyday all the time. I just don't show it. Maybe I need to take some more workshops and brush up on courses and build my confidence back. I just really don't want to give it up, I need to see my potential. This is my dream, it's the one thing I want in life and it's right at my fingertips yet I can't seem to quite reach it just yet. Or maybe I can and I just don't know it?
Today I'll take a class at 5:30 and make all of this my dedication. Sometimes that's the best way to setting yourself up for improvement.
Also, I feel I just suck at communicating with people. Do you ever feel like you have such specific feelings on something that you can't word right to someone and everything just gets misconstrued? Seems to happen to me often.
I feel bad because I've made someone close to me feel like I can't trust them. In actuality I trust them more than anyone else in the world which makes it so weird.
It's hard to show someone it's not so much of trust issues as it is respect issues and feeling like you aren't getting any from something in particular that you go through often. I realized today it has nothing to do with trust at all. Sometimes you do things for someone solely out of respecting them, and letting them know that you alone are enough for them. But I guess it's been resolved, yet in a way that still leaves me a little uncomfortable. The only thing to do at this point, is just let it go. And I know I should have a long time ago.
On a happier note- today I just helped save a mans life AGAIN! The second time I was able to catch a heart blockage on our EKG machine one someone that was literally just coming in for a routine physical and not knowing anything was wrong whatsoever. It is moments like these that make you not worry about petty things at your job like your manager, or stress it throws at you because this IS the big picture. This job is so much greater than that, it's helping people get their health back and it is a field you get into that should be completely selfless, and I start realizing that as I get the perks of seeing others get better and heal. Even if I don't want to stay in this specific office much longer, I still would like to continue in the medical field for this reason. It's the beautiful twists we live for, to see them unravel in ways we couldn't imagine.
-M
Birthdays, vacations, and life changing news from your sister- the chaos is all so wonderful.
The only thing I regret is the lack of yoga I have been doing due to how crazy it's been. It's probably been anywhere from 3-4 months since I took a class, which is a lot for me. When I go through lulls like this, I get scared to start up again. This always seems to happen when I take breaks. It's like I am afraid to see who I am on my mat when the next practice comes around. I know it'll be someone different than when I practiced last, although they say that's normal for every single practice you do in your life. But it's one thing to be a good change, and another thing to feel a decline. I am afraid that my lack of use will result in a poor teaching career in my future, or cause none at all. It's really all I want, I just can't seem to make it to the point where I just grab the bull by the horns and just start teaching, I always feel like I'm not at my full potential and I don't want to let anyone down that is taking a class from me. I mean, I don't ever really talk about it, but it TERRIFIES me. Most people think I just don't want to do it at all, and I don't care about it, but honestly it's on my mind everyday all the time. I just don't show it. Maybe I need to take some more workshops and brush up on courses and build my confidence back. I just really don't want to give it up, I need to see my potential. This is my dream, it's the one thing I want in life and it's right at my fingertips yet I can't seem to quite reach it just yet. Or maybe I can and I just don't know it?
Today I'll take a class at 5:30 and make all of this my dedication. Sometimes that's the best way to setting yourself up for improvement.
Also, I feel I just suck at communicating with people. Do you ever feel like you have such specific feelings on something that you can't word right to someone and everything just gets misconstrued? Seems to happen to me often.
I feel bad because I've made someone close to me feel like I can't trust them. In actuality I trust them more than anyone else in the world which makes it so weird.
It's hard to show someone it's not so much of trust issues as it is respect issues and feeling like you aren't getting any from something in particular that you go through often. I realized today it has nothing to do with trust at all. Sometimes you do things for someone solely out of respecting them, and letting them know that you alone are enough for them. But I guess it's been resolved, yet in a way that still leaves me a little uncomfortable. The only thing to do at this point, is just let it go. And I know I should have a long time ago.
On a happier note- today I just helped save a mans life AGAIN! The second time I was able to catch a heart blockage on our EKG machine one someone that was literally just coming in for a routine physical and not knowing anything was wrong whatsoever. It is moments like these that make you not worry about petty things at your job like your manager, or stress it throws at you because this IS the big picture. This job is so much greater than that, it's helping people get their health back and it is a field you get into that should be completely selfless, and I start realizing that as I get the perks of seeing others get better and heal. Even if I don't want to stay in this specific office much longer, I still would like to continue in the medical field for this reason. It's the beautiful twists we live for, to see them unravel in ways we couldn't imagine.
-M
Monday, September 16, 2013
Close your eyes, you're weightless now.
I feel like writing tonight.
It's midnight, and I'm endlessly exhausted it seems. My mind is still three hours behind east coast time, it's still stuck in Washington state back with my heart. It truly was an amazing trip. I have never cried leaving a trip before in my life until now. I felt such a connection with not only my family there, but earth in general. As we were climbing up this gorgeous mountain next to Mount Adams, each step I could feel and visualize a root reaching down through my feet and steps growing downwards to the very bottom of the climb. It was an indescribable feeling, really being one with nature. Each breath that came from that crisp air cleansed through me, healed any internal imperfection that has risen in my life. That flight coming home, I can distinctly remember the huge knot in my throat. I couldn't breathe anymore, that crisp air was fading and the mountains below the plane were slowly getting smaller. Tears came faster than the plane was going itself, and my senses became higher than the plane was elevating. But you know, I think it was all bittersweet.
Tonight I came across a blog that I had made a few months back and totally forgot about. I made it an online diary, filled with letters of past romances. There weren't many posts and I won't say what was in them here but it really made me realize a lot looking back at how I viewed people in my life. Seeing how hurt I've been, I was in a two year rut of just emotionally dating people off and on, not getting involved and not getting feelings for anyone. And the second they'd show any sign of attachment I would run. I came up with so many flaws, that weren't really there at all. All because I was so hurt in my past. And I didn't realize how screwed up I really was until I sat and read all my posts. I was so dispensable and I didn't know how to handle it. I really honestly thought I'd never be able to trust anyone again. I thought I was cursed, and every time I thought someone would finally break the curse, they really just ended up making it worse and more realistic. I told myself I was going to give up on dating all together and just focus on myself. It wasn't until I fell in love with my best friend that I was able to slowly, and I mean slowly, really put my guard down again and trust someone with my heart in the palm of their hands without fearing they'd clench their fists just a little too hard. Sometimes I have to stop and check in with myself to see if it's all really happening.
"Even though that we're far apart we've come so close, and it feels so right. Don't give up."
That Washed Out lyric is perfect right now.
I also didn't realize how much I hated my job until I went back today. My office manager, as everyone knows, is not one of my most favorite people...
The second I walked through the door she was already riding my ass and talking to me in such condescending ways. Good news is, people are starting to slowly catch on to her now and soon she'll have no more of herself to unravel. Everyone will see her for who she really is.
I just think it's time for me to leave this job and start something new. I've already been there for a few years now, I treasure all the knowledge I've gained and skills I've obtained. I'll be leaving this area in a few months anyways.
So. now it's one o'clock. I should try to sleep, it would be the smart thing to do.
Goodnight, whoever you are.
It's midnight, and I'm endlessly exhausted it seems. My mind is still three hours behind east coast time, it's still stuck in Washington state back with my heart. It truly was an amazing trip. I have never cried leaving a trip before in my life until now. I felt such a connection with not only my family there, but earth in general. As we were climbing up this gorgeous mountain next to Mount Adams, each step I could feel and visualize a root reaching down through my feet and steps growing downwards to the very bottom of the climb. It was an indescribable feeling, really being one with nature. Each breath that came from that crisp air cleansed through me, healed any internal imperfection that has risen in my life. That flight coming home, I can distinctly remember the huge knot in my throat. I couldn't breathe anymore, that crisp air was fading and the mountains below the plane were slowly getting smaller. Tears came faster than the plane was going itself, and my senses became higher than the plane was elevating. But you know, I think it was all bittersweet.
Tonight I came across a blog that I had made a few months back and totally forgot about. I made it an online diary, filled with letters of past romances. There weren't many posts and I won't say what was in them here but it really made me realize a lot looking back at how I viewed people in my life. Seeing how hurt I've been, I was in a two year rut of just emotionally dating people off and on, not getting involved and not getting feelings for anyone. And the second they'd show any sign of attachment I would run. I came up with so many flaws, that weren't really there at all. All because I was so hurt in my past. And I didn't realize how screwed up I really was until I sat and read all my posts. I was so dispensable and I didn't know how to handle it. I really honestly thought I'd never be able to trust anyone again. I thought I was cursed, and every time I thought someone would finally break the curse, they really just ended up making it worse and more realistic. I told myself I was going to give up on dating all together and just focus on myself. It wasn't until I fell in love with my best friend that I was able to slowly, and I mean slowly, really put my guard down again and trust someone with my heart in the palm of their hands without fearing they'd clench their fists just a little too hard. Sometimes I have to stop and check in with myself to see if it's all really happening.
"Even though that we're far apart we've come so close, and it feels so right. Don't give up."
That Washed Out lyric is perfect right now.
I also didn't realize how much I hated my job until I went back today. My office manager, as everyone knows, is not one of my most favorite people...
The second I walked through the door she was already riding my ass and talking to me in such condescending ways. Good news is, people are starting to slowly catch on to her now and soon she'll have no more of herself to unravel. Everyone will see her for who she really is.
I just think it's time for me to leave this job and start something new. I've already been there for a few years now, I treasure all the knowledge I've gained and skills I've obtained. I'll be leaving this area in a few months anyways.
So. now it's one o'clock. I should try to sleep, it would be the smart thing to do.
Goodnight, whoever you are.
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