Lack of sleep

really isn't doing any good on me.
mentally and even physically.


i hate insomnia, i have way too much on my mind.
i'm sick of always thinking.
that's all i do, on top of worry about where i stand with people, or if things are good between me & someone.
or what if i don't wake up tomorrow and not be able to do the 845083 things i have to do because i overslept.
or what if my sister gets mad that i can't see her this weekend because i'm going to north carolina instead because plans clashed and now i don't know what to do.
or what if this weird lump in my neck is actually a tumor.
or what if i continue pissing people off because my agenda is too fucked up to plan things out anymore.
or what if i fail this year because i don't do my work when i'm supposed to because i want to see my friends more.
i just really need to breathe. i've been so fucking stressed out this whole damn week, even before that.
there's pressure surrounding me and i'm trying to be as happy and positive as i appear to be.
my most truthful blogs come out at night, i find. then i regret posting them the next day and why?
because i worry about what people think of me. great, i'm one of those people.

castles made of sand melts into the sea, eventually

today was fun.
i'm in beaufort now, & tomorrow morning i'm waking up really fucking early to take Julia to school. haha, well that and see all my old friends at school too. maybe go to sonic with tyler. he doesnt care about 1st period anyways.
then i'm going to get my hair trimmed! yaaaaayy.
then go shopping for jeans, and a jacket and underwear. haha. so tomorrow will be wonnnderful.

saturday i'm going to NC with julia to visit lizface.
i'm afraid i'll get lost, i don't know where all these weird roads are, like 95 or 77.
haha. i'm an idiot, but i'll catch on.
you know why?
BECAUSE I CAN.





assholes.
then snowboarding.

this is ourselves...under pressure!

what a lame ass title for a blog, i don't care.
i hate school work with a passion, at least when it just builds up on you.
i'm so stressed out right now with just a bunch of things going on at once, i can't even begin to explain.

so, i won't.
i will later.
and add on to this or something.

but i definitely need to go somewhere. so i'm thinking north carolina this weekend.
to see lizfaaace.
:]
will be amaaazing.

"And I will always run my fingers, through your hair"

I haven't blogged for a while. A lot's been going on with me. Some good, some bad I'm sure. I've been getting into a lot of new music lately, it's a good feeling. And it's nice to have new things to listen to in the car. I actually have a few Norma Jean songs that I've been listening to. They kind of do the screaming for me, and it makes me feel relieved. Did you know I have crowd surfed before? I know, I'm pretty daaank.

I am planning a trip to North Carolina to see Lizfaceeeee. I am so excited, I haven't seen her in so long. Liz used to live in Beaufort and moved after last school year, so I barely see her now. So I will go there, and I haven't driven that far by myself before so I'm pretty stoked. So I'll spend a night or two there, and we'll see what I get into..
Also, State Radio & Rebelution soon!
Gahh, yay.
OH and. Snowboarding, before that. So I've got an exciting agenda to look forward to for a while!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
okay, see ya.

cause it's too hard to belong to someone who is gone

so hurry up and run to the one that you love.
and blind him with your kindness.
and he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
and he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.

I made a list of things that I want. Things that either have a cost, or that I want in general. I want better ankles. I want to stop sleeping so much in the morning. I want to be able to fall asleep at least before one. I want to spend a whole day taking pictures of everything I love. I want to spend a whole day with the ones I love. I want someone to love. I want a book filled with love letters from wars, written by heartbroken families. I want a love letter. I want to remember the smell of Florida. I want to know the smell of New York City. I want to go somewhere, other than Beaufort or Hilton head, or Bluffton. I want to taste a new ice cream flavor. I want to hug a stranger that is just like me, and hold on tight. I want to look through a telescope one of these nights. I want a fridge full of ice cold red bulls ready to be emptied. I want to cure someones heart that is tired of being empty. I want to ride in a taxi. I want to feel pretty. I want to finish all the books that I started and never reached the end. I want to meet new people. I want to learn how to play poker. I want to write songs again. I want to write poems that make sense to other people then myself. I want to own a photography camera. I want to paint more, preferably abstract. I want to feel something I've never touched. I want to watch Youtube videos on tidal waves. I want to play in some sort of open field in a pretty dress. I want a pen pal from a different country, not online but through mail. I want to explore the sea floor. I want an open mind and a kiss with closed eyes. I want everything I have never known.

Hey mom, there's something in the back room. I hope its not the creatures from above.

Okay, so after the 7th time seeing a UFO in my life, I've become pretty aware of them. They exist, and I had a long talk with Catie about them today and she just won't believe that I have seen them!
We were driving on 278 and she looked up and saw this really bright light and asked, what is this? I simply look above and right away I knew, it was a UFO. It was a triangular shape, a weird triangular shape with different colored lights on each end. She's convinced it's just an airplane. No, no it wasn't. An alien, it was. Do you know how many times they have been here? Have been watching us, spying on us, even using us. Maybe even talking to us. Maybe...the people I know and are friends with are secretly aliens reporting back to their planet about me. There are so many universes, it would make sense for at least one of those universes to find a way to us, and they have. Thousands of years ago. Sometimes, (all religions put aside, this is just me being curious) that during the 'Adam & Eve' days, aliens, or life from another planet, put their own species here to grow and spread. Making us, humans. Maybe we are the alien. Our world has got us thinking of this image, this picture or idea of what an alien is. Green, slimy, icky, torturous, creatures that we should be afraid of. For all we know, they could be nicer than us. There was an alien recording many years back, from some sort of crash and the government quickly hid the bodies so we could never discover them ourselves. They paid someone much money to never speak of it again, so the government knows what they look like, I think. They just will not tell us because that's just a government thing to do. Now, back to when I said I have seen aliens. Not up close or in person, but I've seen them travel. The neatest UFO I've seen, I think, was a round shuttle with colored lights spinning around them. It was in the sky above my house far far away while I was playing outside. I ran quickly into my house after I saw it, hoping to not be abducted and raped. Aliens like to make people pregnant so that they can some how get their seed into this world. It's happened before, but luckily the people have had their babies killed before the aliens attacked. I really find them fascinating though, I've been researching them a lot tonight and seriously, they exist I know it. And Catie, if you are reading this, I hope you now understand what I am talking about.

this light looks good on you.

well, I haven't blogged in a while.
I mean, I don't know exactly what I really want to blog about, nothing comes to mind.
It's been a loooong week, with many twists.

Too bad I'm not writing them :]







Too bad I am starting to hate blogging...

mmmm

dear whomever,
finally home.


thank you god,

that's about it,
fine with me

my head is killing me

i love you,
me

This year's love had better last

what a day, what a day.
i guess, in a few minutes i will leave to pick up Terry from school and we shall go to Starbucks or something of the sort, to talk and stuff before he leaves for the 3-day weekend.

also, today is one of those days where you some how have plans with everyone at all around the same time and need to sort them out, without ditching anyone.
i'm going to get drunk tonight.

i like trumpets and harmonicas in songs.

Oh. I was tagged. I don't want to do this, but oh well.

ten interesting facts about me

here's how you play. once you've been tagged, you have to write 10 interesting things or habits about yourself. At the end you choose 10 other people to be tagged, and why you tagged them.

1. I'm afraid of aliens and I think I've seen about 3 UFO's in the last week while i was driving, and got scared out of my mind.

2. the longest i've talked on the phone was from 9 at night until 8 in the morning.
:] my cheek was hot.

3. the past couple of months I have became addicted to Bubble Baths, regular baths wont work. I prefer strawberry bubbles, and vanilla scented candles, and my Ipod playing and nothing can be better.

4. I hate the way people say 'Triscuits' when they are eating triscuits. or the way people say chocolate, when they are eating chocolate.

5. I can't get attached to people

6. I was conceived in a train.

7. I always smell books and paper before i touch it.

8. I kissed a boy in kindergarten in the tunnel at the playground everyday of the week

9. I hate black jellybeans

10.
I HATE GRILLED CHEESE.





and ten people... Uh. well I dont feel like tagging anyone so if you're reading this then tag yourself.

and to a paaaaarty, a house par-ty.

i dream on railroads,

burn in the ashes of my incense,

i write in paint,

where nothing had meaning,

i leave my mind in awe,

criticize the news,

i see in black and white,

live in sepia,

i crave the uncravable,

misspell in a whirlwind of notes,

i picture paisley fields,

unwind in his crazy game of poker,

i lost it all,

and my energy field embraces its aura,

i fantasize in red ,

love like ....fuck.





-me

[now that i'm coming down, won't you be my solid ground]

so, I want to start out by saying the moon is absolutely beautiful tonight. not to be gay and romantic.
but seriously? look at it, it's huge and really close haha.

I spent a lot of time with Terry after school today, that was so much fun. we've been hanging out a lot and he's one of my best friends now. we declared that, as I was giving him the most kickass scalp massage of his life.
and back & neck massage. that sounds weird and couple-y like, but its not. its actually what I want to go in to when i grow up.
we played Wii Bowling, and I beat him by...50 points?
hah, CHAMP!
but yeah, before that we went to starbucks with Hannah, Catie, and Kara.
and then to the library. it was nice (:


the past two nights i've had the same awful dream.
its becoming repetitive and this dream is absolutely fucking jaw clenching.
i'm disgusted with what happens and i just want to punch everything.
i want to punch them.

Even if I come back, even if I die. Is there some idea to replace my life?

It's funny how things work out.
I just got a text from some random number saying "Is this Melanie?"
& so I reply with a yes, and they say I'm Chase. Rj gave me your number, I wanted to know if you were single.

Hah, if only he asked me a few hours before.
So I'm done trying to put faith in someone who can't even put the littlest faith in me. I've given so many chances, so much of myself for someone I really thought I could believe, that I could believe in.
I was proved wrong, what I was afraid of.
I guess I just wanted so bad to feel wanted, and since October I've been feeling that slowly, and a couple times it all just got taken away from me but this time, I think I really believed it, you know? I thought maybe I am worth something, and maybe someone finally sees it.
What really hurts is that I think of the other girls that were able to get commitment and dedication and I only got one fucking day of it. How does that make someone feel, I mean, it's like I got punched in the stomach. I feel so sick, because I was starting to feel something that I can't even say now because I know it was all just a lie. It had to be, right? Otherwise things wouldn't turn out this way, so fast. Hopefully I'm something you'll miss and think about more one day because, at this point I just don't know when I can see you again.

I
don't even know what to do as of now. So.
here's to the start of a great year, hm?

blahblahblog

I hate neighborhood cops, and the fake authority they think they carry.
gidfjgdgdfhsfgfd!


Other than that, things have been amazing, for a very certain reason.

edit: LIES!

I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind

It's amazing how different it is to see a movie for the second time and take it in, in such a different way then the first time.
I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, for the second time.
I can honestly say I cried, truly cried at the end. Movies have made me tear before, and I've been on the verge of crying so many times but for some reason, right now, it hit me hard and I just cried. Maybe I connect to it different now, I don't know.

I don't understand anything anymore, my feelings have just been overwhelming me lately. Taking over me, even scaring me a little. But, I've been finding that I've been having a really hard trusting mostly everyone lately because of something that happened over break, which is stupid and not worth talking about. I just don't like not being able to be assured that somethings not happening behind my back, when I don't really have a right to be mad in the first place.
Sometimes I wish things were different, but for the most part I'm just happy.
Not all the time, but in those little moments it makes up for everything. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm getting at.
But I'm not so sure either. All I know is how I feel and how I feel can't be written. I could only hope I wasn't alone on this feeling, but oh well.

Things are good, things are bad. I can't really complain. I realize that I do have a lot of good friends out there that care and everything. Like Terry, I like hanging out with him, he's easy to talk to and I can really just be myself around him. Aaron and Van, are also a couple good friends of mine, I haven't seen them in a while but I'm glad I did last night because they really are great people. I can also talk to Aaron about anything, he really knows how to comfort me. Catie has seen me most this break and even though we spent enough time together to get utterly sick of each other, we never did. We never fought or anything, she's just a positive person and I really respect her and wish she wasn't going through as much as she was. Desiree, has been there for me since 1st grade, and we've stayed in touch somehow every year. Sure she likes things I don't like, for example some of those electro-pop bands I'm not so into and Jonas Brothers. But she is so amazing. Really, I don't know what I'd do without her. It's been a rocky road for Bridget and I but we're talking again, slowly. We will never just stop talking for good, we've been there for each other too much. I've also been hanging out with Gage a lot and he really makes me happy. I really understand him for the most part even though I don't think he knows it, but he does mean a lot to me. Then theres Garrett. Everything he says just makes me smile, he's got the best sense of humor ever, that a lot of people don't get which makes it that much better. We don't hang out much but when we do, I always have a lot of fun. I don't know how this turned into a blog about people I'm close with, I guess I just feel like writing things. Oh and I didn't put that in any special order, just because someone's before you doesn't mean I like them better than you. But uh....yeah! Well..I hope none of that made anything awkward.
Not that it would.

Also, since I'm on a blogging roll, I guess I may add in some other things bothering me lately. For starters, I am really self conscious with myself lately, I'm never happy with myself. I feel fat sometimes, and then others I'll be like, ew my legs look like sticks. & then I'll always look at some other girls and wish I had certain traits like them. I know this is stupid and people are probably thinking I'm writing this for attention, but it really has been eating me inside lately. God I just don't feel good enough for anyone anymore, you know? I don't feel...special? I feel like nothing fucking special mostly all the time. I feel really plain if anything, not worth a lot. And I haven't been sleeping, as you can see this is written at like 2 in the morning. and it makes me into such a boring person I think. But I am going to start sleeping again and getting back on track. But other than that, I just feel grossed out with myself. Sometimes I'm bored with me. Usually people get bored of other people, but I'm bored of myself. I'm sick of the way I look, my voice, my laugh, my same sense of humor, the music I listen to over and over again in the car, even my clothes. I just want to someone to make me feel like, wow, that girl really is something. I don't know I guess it would be a nice feeling.

This is stupid, I have to wake up at 8 for homeschooling. And I'm ranting about stupid things I will probably laugh at in the morning when I'm in a different state of mind.
Goodnight friends.

we're so far from where we were

i feel really sick to my stomach right now. i fell asleep for a little bit and woke up feeling terrible.
my dad got home at 12 tonight with a new girl around his arms, a new girl to introduce to me yet again.
maybe shes 27 or something like that. she looked like the singer of the pussycat dolls.
and she even came up to my room to try and bond with me and like, lay on my bed reading my cosmos?
it was weird.
today was pretty good, i went to wild wings with catie & my dad because he wanted to get chicken wings and wanted our company. so we went, and then we went to publix & catie left.
i got ready and stuff and then we went christmas shopping and just did other things from there.
it was sort of an all in all blah day, thats a good word to describe it.
i really need to start sleeping again at night.
it's effecting how i am during the day.

i hate not being sure about things, i just want to know that things are okay but i can't be sure.
for the most part i think things are okay, maybe i'm just paranoid.

you want to make the sunrise go back to bed, i want to make you laugh.

Mess up my bed with me kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight



cheers.

we all live in a yellow submarine

new years, new years, new years



i need a good year.