um.












i don't think i want to blog anymore, haha.

Word explosion, shall we?

Dear Gossip Girl,

Wow! You have that all figured out. Your information is all correct, and you definitely know what you are talking about.
you're on the ball.

one correction: there is no one i'm investing my time in,
and currently, one of them is you.
suck. my. dick.
XOXOXOXOSOOSOXOX MELANIE

ack.

creepy.
twice, the power cord to my laptop has been whipped out.
not from the socket's side but from my actual laptop.
the first time, i thought it was pants, but no she was in my lap cuddling.
and it was a harsh pull from out of my laptop. and the cord flew to the other side of the room.

& its not as if the computer is far away from the socket to where there would be a stretch to eventually create some sort of pulling force. it's loosely hanging there, and then it happened another time and it's just really weird.


the cool kid thing to say is i'm not allowed to be afraid of these things.


but i say, i dont give a fuck.




PRICK!

i want to change the world, instead i sleep.

i just got back from another day of homeschooling. it's about 2:30
i don't know why but today i have been periodically crying. bridget told me that on the phone i have been sounding upset.

i didn't notice that i sounded that way.
my heart literally feels heavy, and i'm always short of breath somehow, and i even stutter once in a while.


i've never stuttered.

what's going on?

i can't even define why this is happening, it just is.
it's awful, and i just feel alone.
even though i know i am not, i just feel so so alone.

what's weird is, you know that feeling on rollercoasters in your stomach, where its that awkward feeling?
thats what is happening to me except for the first time it's happening in my heart, and i didn't know that could actually happen. it's such a strange feeling, its not like heartburn but a different kind of pain.

i don't know what i'm talking about hah. i just have no idea why i have been feeling this way!
and i swear i have NO idea why i feel sad in the least bit, or why i do have those sparatic crying sessions, i just don't know why that happens because theres nothing i can think of that is triggering it.

this is such a weird blog.
and in my last blog, that must have been confusing haha. i was just talking about someone pathetic i know that likes a great band, thats all. it's sickening.

this is all sickening, i want to feel haaaaappppppppyyyyy!

since when the fuck did you like right away great captain?
clever facebook status!







yesterday was fun.
the end.

a long blog, to make up for lost time.

I'm going to try to type out everything, maybe to help explain a lot of things. Hopefully writing things out will make me less confused and other people as well.

First, I'm going to start out with one of those 'ten people' things. guess if you'd like. or not, whatever.
& these aren't in any sort of order, they are mixed up and I like it that way.

1) I don't get it. You seem fake, I don't know if its purely insecurities or what. You choose the days to act like we are perfectly fine & then talk badly about me behind my back. I feel like everyone refers to you as this mature, almighty person. When in my eyes, you're nothing more than a 7th grader who isn't content with themself. Oh well, we were never friends anyways, you're just in that 'circle'.

2) I like you a lot. We grew up together, & met in the 'Say No To Drugs!' program. Now I know you already know who you are :) We've never really fought, arguments sure. We know a lot about each other and we can relate in a lot of ways. I love you so much, and I know we will stay this close forever. At least I hope! You may get famous & forget me. Thanks for being there, I know I can count on you.

3) You're such an interesting person! I find similar interests that we have and one other thing in common. I think you'll get really far in life, and get out of this 'awkward' stage. You are unique and that makes you beautiful. You're eyes are the prettiest shade of blue!

4) We just became great friends. I hope you won't let me down, or make me think otherwise. We do however have a lot of fun, and long for just being happy. Which we do get a lot of the time.
I'm glad we met, hopefully great things are in store.

5) you amaze me in so many ways. You're beautiful, and strong, and one of my best friends. You are gone now and I can't stand it. I want you back so bad, I miss you so much and it hasn't even been long. What will I do without you? It won't be the same here, honest. I am so glad that you are taking all of this change as best as you can, and just know I am here for you always and so is a LOT of other people. You mean so much to me, you have no idea.

6) I don't understand you. You say you miss me, then fall off the face of the earth, and just stop talking to me all in all. I don't know what I did or why we can't be friends. I just am not so happy with how this ended up. I guess I thought you were different, and not like that. It's disappointing. Oh well, I hope all is well.

7) You most likely won't ever see this but, you're just swell : ) I hear you're "bad news" but maybe I'm bad news too. I don't know. We'll see. You intrigue me...

8) I made mistakes with you and I regret them now but at the time, I was just so pissed off, my mindset was 'i don't give a fuck.' it was a weird time in my life, and I don't know what to say about this anymore...

9) You've been my best friend since we were in diapers, literally. We lost touch a lot of these years but now we're best friends again. Actually, lately it's as if we've been drifting. We have very different lives now, but at least we still keep each other in mind and don't become strangers again. I enjoy your friends and I think they enjoy me. Vice versa. You are a great person though, and I love you to death.

10) sorry if I come off as a bitch and put you down sometimes. I just worry about you a lot and I guess that's just a messed up way of handling it. I'm afraid you're going to get worse and worse with all this stuff and not even be the same person anymore. It's not that I think that's the kind of person you are, it's just that it's happened to me so much in my life, you don't even have a clue.

If you know for a fact who you are, let me know, that's fine. But don't ask me who certain numbers are, if you don't know, you aren't supposed to obviously. Maybe I want some of them unknown.

I've been having these dreams, where I've been living in a dream world. they are really interesting & I think they are based off of that movie "What Dreams May Come" Which is a favorite of my sister Lacie's and she always watched it with me. Basically I am living in paintings, most of the time abstract and sometimes they are beautiful and scenic. I'm the only real thing, unless I add people in there from time to time. The houses don't look like houses but they are houses. The trees are shaped weirdly, and the leaves are a color that was never invented before, but they never looked so radiant. My footsteps are 8 miles long and no one has mouths. There are no frustration, no adultery, no anger and no confusion. If I needed shelter from large green rain drops, I'd hide in a tall log or a huge mushroom with an attached door. I'd hold onto my lover and he'd hold me back. He has no face but his touch tingles every sensation on my body, I can feel them although I am asleep. Music is constantly playing, ever so softly in the back of my mind, but loud enough to be enjoyed.

Then I wake up and I'm here.
I then remember what frustration and anger feel like again.
I think, why feel like this...when I can feel like that?

I want to go home. I don't think I belong here, and no where has ever worked out for me before. Only when I was 7 or 8 and all the years before that. I feel stupid saying that seeing as Anna is going through way worse in this department. To be honest, I don't feel like I'll feel at home again until she is staying with me this summer and hopefully she will feel the same. Anna I love you so much, and you know what I was thinking? I think everyone on this planet has some huge task or accomplishment that they have to do to make them known and someone of honor. Some people get them done, but unfortunately a lot of people never get the chance. But I think you're mom got hers, and I know this sounds stupid and cheesy. I think her accomplishment was to just have you, and be with you for as long as she could to shape you into who you are today. Because if she didn't you wouldn't be here and a lot of peoples lives would be different. Like the people who love you and are here for you, you taught us things everyday and I think you have something really great to offer this crazy little world of ours. Thank you for everything, I don't know what living here would have been like without you. I'll see you soon.

I wish someone could really understand me. Only because if they did, they could help me understand myself. I don't know what I'm doing half the time I'm doing something, or why I act so crazy & hyper. Or those times when I act shy and quiet, with little enthusiasm. There is something missing I know it. I have so much to still define. All I want to do is be happy, what else is life really for anyways? What's life without being happy? What is life itself? This makes me want to quote sublime. "Life is one big question when you're starin' at the clock."

I know I have so much other things to write, and I know I'll think of them later. I just can't think anymore. My brain won't allow it. I'll have to add on to this throughout the day, so keep looking.

I'm in love with you only.

I love Brenn.

meet me where we become complete, take time I don’t care.
I see you where my life should be, it’s somewhere far from here.
we don’t have to leave this year
all the times that we had are already gone, can we pull them back in?

don’t give up on us, I want you. This world will be empty soon enough.
don’t give up on us. hold us with me, I’m in love with you too deep.

and we don’t have to leave you here
it wasn’t all good times that we had but it would be wrong of us
to not end up in the end.

don’t give up on us. I want you. the road will be lonely out here alone
don’t you give up on us, I’m in love with you only.

She stole my heart and my cat

today was joyous!
jalapenos with bridget was lovely. she's so much fun. we had so much fun!

then i went to ABC with ashley because she wanted me to meet her there.
but since i already ate, i just got a smoothie.
& then we went back to her house and i got to see her PARENTS! whom i love.
hahahaha.


Corey Whittington. Here you go, I do not know if you read my blogs. I think you said you did at some point, but here's what you wanted me to spread.
and since you asked me a third time to do it through a text, i'll just write down the text in here.

"Hey if u and ur friends arent doin nething theres a good open mic night at station 70. i'm playin too. SPREAD THE WORD!!"


there pal.

this makes me smile.
i remember watching this movie with lacie when i was oh so little, along with all the other great movies she made me watch such as:
-Dead Poets Society
-Mafia!
-Better off Dead
-the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
-Spaceballs
-Airplane
-Naked Gun
and so many others.

hah.

so not surprising.

song to the siren.

I absolutely love this song.

I have dreams of orca whales & owls but I wake up in fear.

that made me happy.




now if only you could. i've been getting more into regina again. I used to listen to her constantly in...
9th grade I think.
I knew all of her songs by heart. Then my interest grew less and less strong, and on to new things.

regina spektor sure is great though.

i hope pants is okay..
she acts odd.
but thats why i figured we were a perfect match.


to you: i love you so much. i am here for you, and i'm always afraid of saying the wrong things to you because i don't want to upset you anymore by saying something off.
it scares me. i want you to feel okay again. i love you too much. but nonetheless, i'm here.



anyone who reads this.
i have a task for you.
tell me anything you'd like.
anything you'd like me to know or something you've been hiding.
secrets, or stories.
how your day was or what you've been thinking of a lot lately.

i look forward to hearing things like this.
it makes me happy even if they aren't supposed to.

i did yoga today with Madi.
it was enjoyable, she's pretty enjoyable.


i love my friends.
no homeschooling tomorrow. free day, hooray!

what I want to know

is what kinds of things you think about before you fall asleep?
is it a routine thought,
some sort of fantasy?

With your feet in the air, and your head on the ground. Try this trick and spin it, yeah.

happy
sad
happy
sad
sad
happy
happy
happy
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
sad
happy
sad.


my weekend.
friday: rainy. but happy.
saturday: beautiful out, warm, sunny. saddest day i've had in a while.
sunday: rainy. sad, but has potential.

what a weekend.
to say the least.
I dont know what I want anymore.



...there is so many things i miss so badly.
should i?
shouldn't i?
when will i know.



madi's play was amazing, she was the cutest man/scarecrow i've ever seen.
now i'm off to watch Elizabethtown.
a reminder that i have no one :(






'cept pants.
love of my life.
( :



dear blogspot,
insert more 'happy' into everything.
make the gloom go away.
please. love always,

melanie

túrána hott kurdís by hasta la otra méxico! from Till Credner on Vimeo.

now all my stupid problems seem so small.
i love you.

Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth?

Pant's really likes serene peaceful music.
She likes Priscilla Ahn & Regina & cute things I play.

Today at Chik-Fil-A they are having free food from I think 3-5, a buffet thing. :)
Too good to be true I think.
So I may go with some pals.









oh.
you have beautiful hair.

ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me

i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i'm okay.

i am.

it was nice seeing ashley today. & laura.
we had fun, doing things around everywhere.

then I went to big river with madi & dez.
Carrabas first, but when the food actually came it was like 7:53.
so we had to skedaddle.
we did so, took the food & made it slightly in time, i guess?
we were so so so hyper, for some reason, & made a ridiculous car video, haha.


oh how I wish one of those fortunes was one I landed on.

meh.
i predict smooth sailing from here.
who knows how accurate my predictions are, right

"i can be so much more than this"

cause i'm better than it.
positive thinking, folks.
live & learn



i don't know what this blog is about, really. just a blog that i'm writing half asleep.
i still have pounds of homework to get dont by tomorrow.
blehhhhhhh



i spy, grossness.

the elephants see, the dangers of the jungle.

	Priscilla Ahn - Masters In China
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

tuck me in, babe. just like you always do. tuck me in, so tight & close to you.

well, we're good again.
i called terry to discuss why things have been weird, and why he was upset or anything with me.

we talked everything out & i guess everything is fine again.
we'll see.

people are so strange, they are.
i have a chem. tutor now named Nysa Hicks, she's really nice & we get along super well & she goes to hhhs, knowing a lot of my friends and stuff. I like her.
I like meeting new people lately, it's a good time to start at least.

Pant's is doing very well. She's really healthy and loves to play & be super cute and cuddles with me alllll the time :) I love her little nose, she's just perfect.

as for you...
why are you telling me this now? i can't feel that way for you, not anymore. i tried to see things that way, but it's just...weird for me. it's random and so out of the blue. what's so great about me anyways.
why me?

I think i'm going tubing this weekend :) & then a lot of fun events to come.
I've mastered Mahjong quite well. I'm able to beat many levels, haha.
Timmy IM'd me on AIM just now, he wants to hang out soon.
YES! my dream.

Timmy-is-the-man.
oh! good news, remember my creepy blog about my sister Lacie maybe getting engaged to Zach Zoller?
well..
they just got engaged! I'm so happy for her.
they live in Hawaii and I hope they have a wedding in Hawaii.
I love pineapples..

here's a picture of her ring:

cute.



well i think i'm done with blogging for tonight.
text or IM me, whoever.
I'd like to talk (:

wallflower friends, 'til the end.

do you see? standing there in the corner. i was alone, i always am at these big parties
watching you watching everybody, wishing i was more outgoing, wishing i was just a pretty wallflower. I'm not here, no one sees me.
wallflower i'm by myself, please excuse me. But there you were, standing in your own corner.
your eyes were wide, tired, fading just like mine.
we could be the best of friends i'm sure of it! but i'm too shy to cross this crowded room besides.
help me leave this corner of the room, i'm reaching out to you.
cause i've got things i could talk to you about. We could be wallflower friends.
to the end -- wallflower friends,
to the end, i'm sure of it.

wallflowers
we're not here, no one sees us -- wallflowers
we're together please excuse us.

as i whisper in your ear, 'i wanna fucking tear you apart.'

haligh haligh a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie
a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie
a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lietella lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie ame lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie A lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie astory lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a liejusta lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lieonce a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie amore lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a liethere a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie aare lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a liesomethings a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lieyou a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie acan't lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a lie a liefake.

and then, there was pants.

For starters, I got my kitten! I named her Pants, haha. yeah, it is perfect.
Shes the cutest thing ever, and I feel so protective over her, and she makes me so happy.
It gets annoying though, she's really attached to me. Like, she won't eat her food unless I sit beside her and pet her.
she'll honestly starve if I don't.
She follows me everywhere I go. If i stop walking, she does. When I start going somewhere else, she goes too.
sometimes I'm more tolerant about it then others. Like when I'm on my laptop, she purrs so loud & just sits on my lap and cuddles with me (: and she loves my kisses and when i nudge her nose with my nose. and she loves laying on my shoulder when my hair covers her face.
haha, I sound so weird right now. ew.


I don't know what to say anymore.
well, G love...
it was fun. I miss Taylor, I'm glad she came to see me, we all had fun.
I liked the concert except, it was so annoying having high as fuck men and junkies try to grab you from behind to dance with you.
seriously, this one guy (who had potential to be cute if he wasn't so sleazy) grabbed my hip bones and pulled me toward his pelvis and started like dancing all over me.
I know it's not a big deal, but random people doing that to me, it just awkward.
& this 40 year old man kept staring at me when he was with his freaking WIFE and kept like grabbing my legs every chance she turned around.
seriously? I'm way past jail bate.

anyways, the show was good, the music was wonderful & it was a carefree night for the most part.
then we drive to walgreens so Gianna can get her car, & these Hilton Head Christian Academy guys park next to us, drunk as fuck and start hitting on us. I think one of their names was like,
Eric Farr? Idk.
one of them I guess lived by me, because he was like, what neighborhood do you live in? and Bridget of course goes SPANISH WELLS! and he's all, oh my god, i live there too, 61 wide water! or something.
fuck.
not interested..

then the sleepover.
enough said.



then today things were just so... eye opening.
I just think a lot of this time, I was kidding myself and just never good enough I guess.
I can't really think of a time when I was for somebody, other than my friends.

And that is why, I love them.
I don't care if people do or don't like my friends, but at least they take the time to listen to me and understand. Smile when I'm happy, and help me however they can when I'm not.

I'd always do the same for them.










One day I believe someone will appreciate me.
at least I hope so, I have a lot to offer.
only time will tell

I wanna see it, when you find out what comets stars & moons are all about.

I'm in Charleston.
I woke up really early, threw on a comfy dress for the car ride, went to my psychiatrist, picked up alex, and left.
It's nice being here, although I forgot the bag I packed. So I'm wearing my sister's PJ's right now & I have to say they look sorta cute :)
So I had to wear this stupid flowery dress to dinner & around Charleston & I looked like shit but took pictures anyways because I'm stupid.
They are on facebook, but whatever I love my sister & I love Neavaeh.
I love Alex too.



I love my issue-filled family. Only sometimes.
I don't understand anything anymore, why is nothing ever clear.
ever.



I'm coming home tomorrow morning, I might as well go to this G love show with Bridget and everyone, & my friend Taylor from Beauforts coming down to visit so I'll take her too.
I-Dont-Know-Maybe-Maybe-Maybe!




screw 1, 2, & 6! all of you.


i'm making my own dictionary
i have so many words in it, big intelligent sounding words that will blow everyones mind. and only i understand them. this is great, don't worry i'll publish it one day

iiiiiiiiiihaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbllllloooooooooooggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiiing
fuck my sister lacie is getting married
to zach zoller
he's cute
and 20
she's 28
what the hell
he's closer to my age
i hope he doesnt try anything foolish
those christian boys
can't be trusted
especially from Hawaii
he likes neat music and has cool facial hair
i hope they are happy together
now they can finally

the guy you know thinks he's so slick, he'll kiss you on the lips but he'll get sick.

haha, davis you aren't a man.


i'm going to charleston tomorrow (:
to celebrate some 'mothers day' thing..
i'm excited to go to my sissy's house. I miss her a lot. & I guess I'm taking my brother alex with me because he doesn't want to drive his car & waste gas. so it will just be us.
hahahah! I get to play him MY music now ;) i'm so excited. he's always showed me good bands & songs that I've always gotten to love, but i've never been able to show him that I know bands HE doesn't know.
yay! ....2 hours though. this could get awkward.
& seeing my mom will be weird. I miss her a lot, and she's not in my life like she was before but it is mothers day, and she did spend 9 months of hell just so that i could be living right now.

so there's got to be some "thanks" somewhere.


I do have things on my mind

if you love me at all.

sadness.
aaron don't leave please.

he's thinking about moving after this summer to live with his sister :(
far far far away. This is terrible.
I'd miss him too much, and he's one of my best friends.
I love him to death, I just don't want to lose someone else after the summer.

I miss a lot of people from Beaufort.
I looked at old videos with my friends, like Taylor Sammy Hilary Kaitlin and my old group.
We had so much fun, I took it for granted.
This weekend, Taylors coming to my house to visit, and I think after that I'm going to be going to Beaufort a lot more to reconnect with people, and the places I used to go to on the weekends, and have that same fun I used to have.
I love it here, don't get me wrong.
It's just..for the next month and a few days more, is going to be hell for me.
I can't even bare the thought of it.
School, people slowly leaving, and someone who is taking TOO slow to leave most importantly.

we'll see what happens.
there is just a lot that I've been thinking about..

Joga

all the accidents that happen follow the dot. coincidence makes sense, only with you.
you don't have to speak, i feel emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:
state of emergency, how beautiful to be!
state of emergency, is where i want to be..
all that no-one sees, you see what's inside of me.
every nerve that hurts you heal deep inside of me. you don't have to speak - i feel
emotional landscapes, they puzzle me, confuse.
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this state of emergency.

do you think she'd be better, doing what I do best? I said I'm gonna have myself in shambles.

I'd hate to say I can call what's slowly happening.
I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to anymore.
things always end the same way.
It's like I'm not good enough for anyone in my life anymore.
I'm sick of feeling 'second best' to everyone, I don't think I deserve it.
Especially when the ones who are first, are always the undeserving ones.
I've had to be second best since the middle of 7th grade.
I want to be more than that.
why wait on such a lost cause.
this is useless.
it's impracticable.
And I hate being so negative, but whats the positive in all this I can point out anyways?