so when i sat behind the drumset, your heartbeats what i tried to play.

just tell me what to expect, that's all.











tell me if this is a waste of time.
tell me anything, just let me in a little.

happy birthday darling. we love you very very very very very very very very much.

Yeah. I actually started crying watching this. Cats have gotten me so emotional lately. I feel stupid saying this, and you probably think I'm mostly idiotic.
Yesterday at my psychiatrist appointment, she was all, what's been up lately? and I'm in there with my dad as well.
I say, you know it's hard not having contact with my mom and it's been getting to me a lot.
(I start crying of course) and then I say...
It's just hard also to live here without a....CAT. and i start BAWLING. and she immediately hands me a tissue box.
I continue. "I just hate not having a cat around, its just hard for me you know? I don't have anyone to cuddle with while I'm watching tv or to lay by me after i have a bad dream. I've always had that growing up, and i can't have a cat now because of HIM!"
I point to my dad.
she says "now why can't she have a cat, Gus. WHY."
he's allergic. I say.
He feels bad and we decide it would be okay for me to get a kitten as long as I keep it in my room and take full care of him. I'm naming him pants, short for Rebecca.

I can't wait, it's all I've been thinking of. I just can't find any kittens anywhere. I doubt I will. I just really need one soon, I need something to cuddle with, since I don't get to do it often anyways...


ugh. but isn't that video precious?
I guess I'm going to see American Pie tomorrow, and then relay on friday.
then Madi wants me & dez to stay at her house after...

well. bye

dream up, dream up let me fill your cup

The Haunting of Molly Hartley was probably...

the worst movie I've seen in years. Sometimes you wonder, how movies even get to theaters.
Nothing about it made sense, the main ideas didn't fit the plot, and the plot was just not thought out.
I'm watching episode 12 of the OC. Seth has such a unique character. He's got my type of sense of humor, which you wouldn't expect to find on a show such as the OC. I like slapstick sort of things. I also think his mannerisms remind me a great deal of Garrett Burke. Sometimes they even talk the same.

I've come to realize I don't have the legit parent. I lost all contact with my mother it seems, and my dad's too busy being out and meeting new girls to show he cares. I was sick this whole last week, really terribly bad and it's the first time I've had to take care of myself. I called him crying at two in the morning because I was in so much pain and wherever it was, it was too loud to hear me. So I had to sit there and suffer. I remember living with my mom, everytime I was sick she'd dedicate herself to me until she knew I was better. She'd leave a note for me to wake up to if she had work telling me what medicine to take and leaving some sort of direction and of course tell me something comforting like, I love you. She'd call me every hour. Other than that though, she was all him. He always came first. & since I made it impossible for her to see him a lot, she would blame her relationship with him on me. Even when I was only 8, she put so much pressure on me I couldn't take the time to be a kid. Now she's out of my life because he's full time in hers. I'm still learning to accept my mother doesn't love me like she loves her abuser.
And for that, I blame myself. It's the only thing I can do.

I want to feel like at least someone wants me. I don't want to feel like an inconvenience anymore.
I want someone to see me as someone they could marry, even if they don't want to marry me. But to see me as someone's wife. To see me as someone that somebody can live with and love. Just because I was deprived of it for as long as I can remember. I just want opposite.
It makes me anxious to be a mother, to be honest. Ugh, don't get me wrong, I'm not ready and I
want none of this now. This is all in 'way later on' terms. Especially since there is no one who would want it with me anyways.
It's just one of those comforting things to know.
I'll be so good to whoever my future is with.

Speaking of future, everyone's leaving soon to get one.
Is that it?

I just need time to slow down, and I really need to stop blaming myself for everything.
:/

p.s.
i'm on a lot of different cough medicines right now so i might find this really loopy the next time i read it. did i just rant about having babies and getting married?
shit.

"hiding from my friends in the bathroom at thrift town to write this tune down."

Well, I've been sick all week. Today I'm way better, I thought I was fully better when this morning came around. So that's that. I wish I could feel more comfortable writing in here. Theres a few things I'd really like to say but I'm not good with being that open to the world. Or to people I know that read this. I feel like I'm going no where a lot. I've given it a lot of thought. and why is it, that whenever I start becoming friends with a guy that becomes an 'addition' to our 'group' or whatever you'd call it, will start to like me? I don't feel it back. What is it about me that makes it easy to fall for, for guys that are my friends then the outsiders? No one else acts like they give a damn.
I've always put too much effort into things that I waste my time doing so. Things up to being a 'ballerina' to sports to any other category that's failed me. Nothing will stick. I don't have a....hobby? I can play the piano, but so can anyone who will look up youtube videos. I used to think I was talented with playing the piano until people just pointed out how delusional I am.
It's my own fault, I quit piano lessons when I was younger just like everything. I quit tennis too. Soccer, I just didn't care about. The sad thing is, I'd like to say I'm extremely wise to back up all this stuff but I'm not. I'm not stupid, but I'm not someone you'd want to have an intelligent conversation with. Todays just been one of those shitty days I guess.

"and the amazing tattooed man made love to me, and it didn't feel weird at all."

today, two people facebook im'd me that i haven't spoken to in a while.

1) mike beard- "that movie sucked didn't it? waste of money, oh well at least it was a matinee"
2) timmy male- "I thought about texting you today (: how are you? do you talk to catie anymore? i miss you mel!"

i'm so sick of being so sick. it's been 2 and a half days and my fever still hasn't gone away.
thanks for making my day a little bit more bright, it meant a lot.

i want answers, i want to understand things better.
and i definitely want some blueberries, of course i'm too lazy to walk downstairs.
the most annoying thing about fevers is, you're either extremely hot that it's unbearable. or you're so cold that you have to bundle in every blanket in the house and even that won't make you feel warmer. it's never in between.
right now, it's really hot. my dad brought me McDonalds tonight on his way home from work. Ironic..
I don't really like mcdonalds.
it doesnt matter, I cant taste anything anyways. Everything I have tried to eat today & yesterday was tasteless. it makes you see food in a different light. the texture of it is really awkward and we don't notice it because we are so focussed on how it tastes. but without the taste, it's so gross.

i wonder if someone can be born without tastebuds? has that ever happened?
I'll look it up.
that would be awful.
never knowing what the best foods taste like.
i'm frustrated. grrr.

so sick, so sick, of being tired & oh so tired of being sick.

:(
every inch of my body hurts
& when i brush my fingertips against my skin, it feels really awkward & sensitive.
my throat is throbbing and I have the worst chills ever.
i'm either so cold that i'm clinging on to every part of my blankets,
or no matter how much fan, it wont make me feel cold because i feel so hot.

fuck,
come bring me soup, anyone?

say my name, say my name, say my stupid name.

i feel sick, i feel like i need to blog.
it's been a while, and i should vent.
the fact is, is i'm really stressed. theres so much school work needed to be done by friday just staring at me in the face yet i ignore it.
i'm supposed to have a chem. tutor who is a year fucking older than me? when you need one of those, i think thats a sign, that you are obviously a dumbass.
not only that, but i have to take stupid fucking tests on how to pump ritas ice and watch videos on some queer with a lisp? everytime he says 'ice' i want to knock him out.

yesterday a lot of different things were introduced to me. new people, new places, excitement.
so there involved a party, and sneaking out through a window at 1am and having drunk guys make passes every chance they got. it was obnoxious, but i had a lot of fun. bridget gianna and i, got back around 3 and were kinda stumbly but everything went okay. her mom woke up while we got home, so that was a little scary but we managed.
going to the pool today with bridget shelby & gianna was a lot of fun, they are really nice people and we have a lot of fun together :)
meg & her boyfriend (who is a cute little freshman who doesnt speak much, and also the younger brother of big Joe! which is involved in F.A.T.E often) came along with us and we asked him question after question.
us: Chris, what kind of music do you like?
him: I dont like music.
us: Movies?
him: I dont like movies.
us: ...Tv? porn? fuck.
him: no
us: want to eat food with us chris?
him: oh i'm not hungry
me: chris, have you lost your virginity yet.
him: iiiii dont know
me: it's okay chris, its normal not to know.

oh those freshmen! i tell you. they are something else.
i am starting my first day @ training tomorrow at ritas around 12-2.
then hopefully a nice beach trip is in order, and then seeing litm & of course the oh so famous ymc (which all my lovers play in <3) minus one, i'm not on a lover base with brady yet, i've only talked to him 2 times maybe?
weird.
wait, or tyler g.

i don't know why i quit blogging, i kind of like it. I don't know. I hope bridgets phone gets turned on soon, stupid Barbra. my grandmother apparently has breast cancer, by the way. i'm a little bummed.

now I must go and learn about flavored ice.

i'm not

going to be a part of something you can't get past.

"maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

i'd be afraid to sleep with carrie, since she writes about them every week in the paper.
her job is based on sex, and these guys have no idea what she does. but how can they not? she's one of the top writers/journalists in NYC. Shows miss out on details like that. when the sex is bad, she explains how bad it is. as if the guys never see this, and if in fact other guys did, why would they sleep with her after that? it's like the thing with threesomes. a guy says he'd like the try a threesome, and how hot it would be and how much he'd love it. when it comes down to it, it's something they don't actually want to try. not only do they have to make sure they successfully please one girl, they have to worry about the other one. and bad performance goes for bad reputation. some guys won't care though, if the girl gets pleased at all. and it's trashy, but rare. clever things you learn from religiously reading Cosmopolitan.

Sex & the City really is perfection though, to me. no matter what bloopers i notice. I can't get enough of it, I watch it every night even though I have seen the episode multiple times before. my favorite character is Charlotte. she's the perfect balance between, classy yet sexual. all she wants to find is love, but she also wants to have fun in the meantime, before finding it. of course not the kind of fun samantha would have (which would be blowing the postman in her office within the first time meeting) but she'll go on dates and maybe once in a while have sex with them. but she keeps it classy and she lets her friends know when they go too far. Carrie is hung up on Big but when he is clearly unreachable she is out being what she isnt around him: a slut. however not when she met Aiden, her almost husband. But she cheated on him with Big, making Aiden see her as a slut. Miranda is just an odd mix of everything, except much more tomboy. she likes sex, but know when a guy wants her for a one night stand or not.

samantha is just a whore. but she flaunts it, and she's proud. making it acceptable for viewers.
it is true what she says though.
"there are two kinds of guys out there. the kind that will hold your hand and the kind that will fuck you."

I know exactly what a few certain people are out of those 'two'. Whether they like to pretend they arent or not, I know though.