and your eyes shine like Oppenheimer's as he talks about the boom!

hm, i'm glad to know that these blogs to get read, even by people i'd never expect!
I love having those 'i don't give a fuck about anythings days'
ha, that is the exact description of today.
Nothing bothered me, nothing excited me.
Every thought and feeling was numb to me.
It was the best thing ever. I went to target today and I heard a loud noise above my head and looked up to see an airplane really close to my head, it was skimming the sky so lose to my head. I think I could even make out all the imperfections of the plane and the writing on it. That close. If you know me, you know I have a weird thing about planes. They just creep me out and make me feel uncomfortable. But I was able to just look at it and think, I don't think I'd be that mad if it just happened to crash on my head. If it does, it does.
There was ups to this feeling today, but there was also downs.
I did something that I don't think I was ready to do just yet. I couldn't believe myself. Later I felt a cloud of, not regret but something along the lines of what the fuck happened. It was a mix of not caring about anything and being really pissed off. But it could be a good or bad thing, only time will tell.
I watched American Beauty with Derek today, and I was intrigued by the film. I can't believe it was my first time watching it, there are so many of these highly watched popular movies that I haven't seen. Yet I've seen so many and most of them some people haven't even heard of.
I am still disappointed that the majority of my friends don't even know what the movie 'Airplane' is. No one could not like Airplane. Ironic, my love for airplanes and everything. Yet I love watching it. I'll post the trailer of it at the bottom of this blog.
Things did get so fun today. Bridget Tony Cameron and I played soccer for about an hour on some random field, when it was kind of dark out. I wasn't that great but hey! I wasn't to shabby either. Then it was italian night at the Tiltons and I stayed over for dinner. We had to walk food over to neighbors that just moved in that her mom knew. Come to find that we know the boy that lives in the house, Anthony who is a year younger. haha, it was interesting. I'm getting crafty this week and making a duct tape dress. For this weekends events of course. It's going to be colorful and creative and I'll add a few other things from here to there.
Now I'm gonna finish part of the book I was writing forever ago that I never finished. I have to prove myself wrong and now stop in the middle, there's nothing worse than an unfinished story.

"This woman has got to be at a hospital."
"A hospital? What is it?"
"It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now."

hahahah.

before you read the contents of this blog, just know that this is absolutely adorable. the music video stars Charlyne Yi and Fred Armisen. Oh my god I am in love. ha.




what a long long night. it's 3:30 and i think i'm about to go to sleep. i could have fallen asleep an hour or two ago easily, but have you ever put off sleeping because you were afraid of what you'd dream about? I remember that was my favorite part is knowing what would grace my dreams. Now I am afraid to know. I kind of wish I still had my lame collection of my failed dream catchers, ha. when i was little, i was so blown away by them and how beautiful they were and i put so much faith in them for years to cure me of my night terrors. some nights I had great dreams, and honestly thought they were working their magic. But as I grew older I started to realize that it was all coincidence. They never actually saved me from my bad dreams, it was just a nice hobby to have faith in for a while until it grew old. Realizing this is how i am. I put so much faith into something and I push it until I just can't push it anymore, what seems do be a narrow never-ending spiral. Truthfully, everything I can think of that I had that experience with (object, or even human) always ends up letting me down and eventually I have nothing else to give. i recognize the feeling I had all those times of never going back to something and starting something new. and this time, I mean it. Unlike every other time I have felt remotely like this, for once nothing in me is saying i want to go back to it. not even the littlest bit like how it usually is with me. I find comfort in knowing this, I have so much youth but I always think of myself with little to no more time to do things right. I have to take advantage of the fact that I am young and more attractive then I will be years and years down the road, and I have so much to learn but me being the stubborn person I am hardly allows myself to learn anything at all.
It's really nice to be able to blog about one certain feeling rather than what has happened in my day hardly knowing what to say.
I finally have a muse for this one specific blog entry.
and now that it's out of my system, I won't need the same muse for another blog entry again.

Instead I will say, my thanksgiving was interesting to say the least. Most of it was spent in Beaufort because there wasn't much to do in Hilton Head anyways, and I had so many friends that wanted to see me there so it would have been a good opportunity to do so. My family is undoubtedly crazy to the core. No one is normal, except maybe Natalie. Here we have this little house and we're trying to be as festive as possible while I'm with my cute five year old niece playing Polly Pockets with her while her dad does coke in the bathroom. Nonetheless, the feast went rather well. Everyone got along just fine and I even learned how to make a pie! I always say, every woman needs to know how to make a decent pie. I feel like I am finally a woman now, ha.
I am going over to Dereks tomorrow, to watch a movie.
He wanted me to come over to see American Beauty with him.
I haven't seen it before but I remember exactly what it's about because I remember my dad watching it when I was really little but I didn't care to pay attention.
It's going to be weird going over there because everything is going to seem so different now.
I can't really explain it, it's weird.
I said weird a lot.

Now I'll just post random pictures from my moms house to wrap up this joyous blog and stop stalling myself from sleeping.

i have so much things to think about, ah.
it's driving me crazy.

well ive flicked every switch that i could find on my way out just to upset you more

It's 3:30am and everyone is sleeping at my house. everyone that includes my mother, sister, 2 brothers, and niece.
I dont know why I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, I must be thinking about this whole long shift thing tomorrow night/friday morning. I'm really not so into the idea of working throughout the whole night and mostly morning, ugh! oh well, I will be working with fun people and I already have a couple kids separately bringing me red bull at different times to keep me up : )

This morning I woke up at around 11, and went home. I got ready super fast, shower and all, and probably looked partially sickening but I don't really care. I hung out with Gage for a little bit and took him to starbucks and back home, it was very quiet and awkward. I couldn't tell ya why.
I then drove myself back home to finish packing my belongings and took a really long time contemplating whether or not I should take Pants with me to Beaufort. I chose: Not. Only because We have 4 other cats here who would bully her to the point of no return :( And it's just a hassle...

I drove to Beaufort which didn't seem to take long because I made up some really sweet music videos in my head to the songs I was listening to, wearing sweet retro clothes doing SWEET dance moves and what not. I am the queen of run-on sentences, trust me. Anyways, so I get home to find that my mom and my niece AND brother Andre all have the swine flu. I guess they picked it up on the plane ride here from Wyoming. So every second I'm just applying anti bacterial to my hands. I watched Hook with my sister mom and nevaeh then got a call from Kristen to go to her house for a bonfire and celebrate her birthday. I met up with Kristen at her house where Andrew and Dave came over, two people I havent seen in FOREVER and then chelsea and nick were there. Oh, and her boyfriend Jason who she does everything and goes everywhere with. So it was nice seeing everyone and hanging out by the fire. I had to go home because my sister wanted to see me as well so I had to tell them all goodbye and leave. We spent hours going through old pictures and found these love letters my dad sent my mom which i posted one below actually. and some of them made me think..."Aw" and some really grossed me out.

It just makes me sad that no one writes love letters anymore. They werent just from my dad, she had some from guys during the 70's that would just say the most sweetest things. No one really writes genuine long love letters anymore. The only thing close to that I've ever received were those dumb little notes i'd get in like the early years of high school or middle school from boys who had crushes on me or emo kids. Now people just flirt through technologenic portals like phones or facebook. It's all cute but, I want something to remember someone by. Like, I know it sounds dumb, but even though my mom and dad are divorced she still has these letters that are evidence that they actually once really cared about eachother. I dont have any evidence like that for someone. Cause it's not like I can stuff facebook in one of my drawers, or wrap a sweet text message in an envelope somewhere. It kind of scared me a little too, I don't see myself getting a love letter anytime soon and then I thought....what if I never do?! Technology is only going to enhance from now so there will be more reasons to not write them but it's just more reasons to me TO write them.
we'll see.
i'm ranting.
that's what I do when I'm trying to tire myself out.
It's working and I am excessively happy for that.
I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving, I'm not going to eat my body weight this year though and that's a promise.
I also hope my long-ish blog didn't bore anyone. I haven't blogged like this in a long time so I figured, hey, why not now?

This is me blogging-


as for how i feel.... I'm emotionally dead right now.
meaning, I must sleep.

love always,
mellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllface

As I was rummaging through an old trunk of family photos and letters i came across an actual hand written LOVE LETTER from my dad to my mom, i was so surprised i found one.
I am going to type every word exactly here-
(i got permission from my mother to do so as well.)

7/30/85
Kathie-
It's becoming very hard to concentrate on much of anything down here. Just writing this letter to you is difficult, I can't think about writing, all I can think about is you sitting on my lap and kissing you all over. Baby I need to hold you I'd do anything just to be able to look at those great eyes of yours. The time is growing shorter but longer if that makes any sense. Impatient for you, is what this and all my letters are all about. Marrying you and loving you- Baby, I want you!!
Kisses + hugs to the kids!
kisses everywhere on your body!
Love Gus
p.s. I cant wait to party all night long with you.





Okay, then I found like three others and they are way longer and more descriptive, too gross to put up here..

anyways. happy holidays..

this is stupid.

Do you remember when twenty-one years was old?

Thing 1, thing 2, thing 3, thing 4567, your ambitions are gone.
you're ruining everything that was once good in your life.
do you want to look back on your life in your eldest of years thinking everyday was merely the same?
but this overly repeated day had no significance to it, there's really not much to think back to, is there?
thing 1 and thing 2, relax! pussy will come when you just let it, otherwise your stuck with the kind you inevitably don't want.
other things, what are you doing! you are an apocalypse just waiting to happen. the most cosmic of cataclysm

i had more to rant about you guys but nothing worth writing down, it's kept in my head somewhere collecting dust with the other ransom thoughts that have never been released.
i find it better that way.

these are the most words i've publicly written in weeks, and to be honest i don't know what good this will even do. i don't know how any of these words would please anyones eyes. they aren't so attractive to even me. but it's one of those things where you just think, eh, i wanna do it.

i haven't seen desiree since halloween and i miss her quite a lot, that will be fixed today i suppose so hooray for catching up. i love her so!
i went to beaufort this morning for an appointment, woke around 7:40 am.
you know, getting up early is the new sleeping in.
i feel more rested then when i sleep til 1. isn't that the oddest? bodies just do surprising things like that, they can really be miraculous things. i mean...we have HUMANS come out of our vaginas. have you ever thought of that as just a really bazaar concept? i mean, we see these significant or lower than low people and i dont think we realize that they were inside someone else. in a non sexual way.
i think it would make more sense if there were plants sprouting out people then people coming out of ...me.
think about it, you go to the store and select how you want your person. size, hair, personality. then you grow it and they just erupt from these gooey leaves, as babies of course. i mean everything starts out small anyways.
but no

we come out of vaginas.



"while you are away, my heart comes undone. slowly unravels, into a ball of yarn."
the day you are here is the day i want more than anything.

remember remember the fifth of november

i heard you fuck through the wall.

-What does your name mean? well, if you look it up it means 'dark beauty' or something, which i don't think i'm either dark or a beauty, ha.

-What exactly is your name anyway? it's just my name, it's really nothing else

-Have you kissed under water? no :( almost, though. but i'd really really like to...

-Are you afraid to cry in front of the opposite sex? no, i've done it before. try not to, however.

-Can you still be friends with an ex? sure. depending on if they did something to make me think they are a shitty person or not.

-Are you excited for anything coming up? most definitely, the end-ish of this month will just be absolutely amazing.

-What was the weather like today? it was rainy, actually. a nice day to spend inside doing overdue work.

-Did anything bother you lastnight? i'm sure there was something or other.

-Have you ever kissed under mistletoe? si, i have! : )

-Who should make the first move? well, i dont think it matters. but i know that i can be shy at times so it's usually the guy that does. but after a few times i'm able to make first moves on my own.

-Something you just find totally awkward: dereks mom.

-Why did your last relationship end? ha

-How old were you when you had your first kiss? like. twelve. yes, actually. movie theaters, taylor damude. the boy i had the biggest crush on since 3rd grade that i never really thought noticed me. and now, he's a flaming faggot, except not literally. he's just totally lame.

-What EXACTLY are you doing? this survey. now that i don't use myspace anymore, i need some excuse to do these things, right? it's the best when you need something to get you to sleep.

-What's the last funny thing you seen on tv? "This corn is like an angel.."

-Have you ever felt to low, you thought you wouldn't recover? of course.

-The last song you listened to was by? I've got Itunes on shuffle, and now i'm listening to Citizens of Tomorrow by Tokyo Police Club. Yay! okay. now Ice Monster just came on by MTB, who i SHOULD be seeing this weekend, ah fuck.

-You're more: sane or insane? definitely insane.

-Would the world be different without music? obviously..? that means that there are less careers, less creativity, so many other things

-Have you ever been to therapy/counseling? ha, that would be a yes

-Explain an out-of-body experience you've had: I never really understood that, I mean, I don't remember leaving my body and looking at myself. that's pretty fucking intense. but apparently it happens to everyone 'cept me.

-How old were you when you lost your virginity? 16

-Have you ever eaten something while high, that is disgusting to you when...
you're sober? yeah, it happened, whatever

-Ever watched the sun rise? mmmmm yes

-Some lyrics off the top of your head: she's gone across the border man, and you're never gonna see her again

-Out of all the people you know, who has the most over-protective father? my dad can be pretty damn over protective. then again, bridgets got one emotional dad, haha.

-Do you have any chronic illnesses or a mental diagnosis? noooooooooooowhyofcoursenot

-Do you blow dry your hair or let it dry naturally? let it dry naturally.

-If you've had stitches, where on your body were they? never had stitches, broken a bone, or got stung by a bee.

-Which of your five senses do you think is the best? my eyesight, never had a problem with it.

-The last funny thing a friend said? just the whole sarcastic conversation derek and i had on MSN a couple hours ago, what a funny kid!

-Describe your number four? I see this was made for myspace.

-What was the last thing you did that made you feel accomplished? writing writing writing

-What is the worst drug anyone has ever offered you? Meth

-A childhood memory off the top of your head: playing pokemon with johnny beard

-How many art classes have you had? two or three, other than that i took mostly drama and tv production classes

-Do you hate the way you feel, or feel the way you hate? i bet whoever thought of that question felt cool and smart

-Your zodiac sign and birthstone? Cancer and like, a ruby or some shit i dont know.

-What's the worst thing about you when you're angry? I turn green and get big and my shirt rips off my chest. oh wait...

-Who do you tell EVERYTHING to? nobody

-Have you ever been to a rehab facility of any sort? well i'm going through a certain boy rehab, very painful.

-Have you ever found something out you wish you hadn't? sure have

-What is your best experience in life so far? you

Is there anything you plan on buying soon? i just purchased really cute things from Urban i'm excited for

The last family member you kissed/hugged was? i hugged my dad a couple days ago

Ever had surgery? What? no i havent

Is makeup sex really all that great? mhm

Do you sleep with anything other than pillows, blankets, etc.? yes, pants. and a boy.

If you were kicked out of your house, where would you go? Caties, one of my best friends.

What's something you've always wanted to do? bah, there are so many of those

Has anyone ever called you beautiful? yes

What's your last text message say? "melanieeeeee!"

If you could be any animal, what would you be? flamingo

How about any celebrity? probably rachel bilson because i think she's so gorgeous and perfect. and has the best clothes ever, and the CUTEST personality.

say you desire me, now.

And you already know. Yeah, you already know how this will end.

i can't post shit anymore.


fuck.

nobody knows you.
and nobody gives a damn anyways.

Talk is cheap and darling, youre even using coupons.

ihop with cody catie and garrett in a few.
precisely random.

I've been down and I'm wondering why
these little black clouds keep walking around with me.
It wastes time, and I'd rather be high.
think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile
but be free
so maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home.
I look around at a beautiful life, been the upper side of down
been the inside of out, but we breathe.




:)