okay, so here's the thing. i'm sick of little bullshit romances. they always find me, and i guess i'm the perfect target. every person i've fallen for lately, i've come to realize they really dont give a shit about me. and i'm addicted to thinking they do, and that there's hope. i know that there isnt, but theres this part of me that wont let me believe it. even though i know i shouldnt put anymore effort into this person, it sounds stupid but i want them to know i'm worth more than this, i know i am. i'm worth more than what i give myself credit for, and that in no way am i saying that i am perfect. because these guys i start liking, i know that i'm perfect for them, maybe not for a lot of people but for that person. people tell me i can't find a relationship because i always pick shitty guys, i don't pick the guys most girls would. you know, cute, attractive, sweet, sensitive. i like guys who are so unique that i can't compare them to anyone else, i want them to think of me as a girl that is so different from anyone they've ever met that they can't let me go, and that sounds SO cocky. but i dont mean it in that way at all, i just mean for ONCE, and i mean just for once i want some guy to realize that i'm worth every word that comes out of my mouth, i'm worth everything he is and that i'm different. just so different. but it's HIGH school. i find myself liking guys who don't know what they want yet, and never will because they are too immature to realize whats standing right in front of them. so now, i keep thinking back to these movies. that perfect guy, he's different, he likes cool music, he's got this grungy mysterious look that only a girl with a big heart and a unique personality and right interests would be into. he sweeps her off her feet, he KNOWS what he wants and he damn right lets her know. it makes you fall in love with him, this character, this guy you think that will never find you. then i realize, he's what? 20 something? he's way older than all these guys i think are worth giving a shot. so i put him into all of them, because i am obsessed with feeling wanted. i just want to feel wanted so bad it hurts and i pay for it at night when i think about how stupid i am for thinking i'm exactly what they want. and what really is frustrating, is i know i'm what they want but i know they arent ready to know that, and know that i'm different then the girl that broke their heart, or the girl they are afraid to see. i dont want to admit this but i used to hook up with guys because i felt if i did that they would want me. they'd feel my touch, and i'd feel theirs, and the electricity would take over every bad feeling and numb it all just for that one moment and change their outlook. but...it never does. and then they just forget about me and i get heartbroken. and no i don't think of myself as a tramp or slut, those kinds of girls do it because they dont give a shit about those guys. they do it because its like a drug and it feels good and they dont have to worry about it ever again, and they sleep with them. i don't. thats not the hooking up i'm talking about, just to clear things up.
basically what i'm saying, is theres something inside of me just screaming to get out to let everyone know, is i'm so different. i'm worth it, really i am. once again, my heart has been messed wtih and honestly i don't know how much more i can take, i'm slowly being scarred and its damaging my idea of this perfect guy.
i just want to be happy.
i want to know someones there for me,
and no i'm the last thing from clingy. there have been guys that have actually wanted me but the clingyness just freaked me out and i couldnt do it.
now its just making me feel worthless, unwanted, nothing special, and THAT girl.
i just want to find the missing piece to the big picture and when i do.
i know i'll be a happier person, if only they understood.
i made the effort to meet him half way, so why cant he meet me, and stop staying in the same place and come towards me? i'll be waiting here forever and i know i should leave but i cant turn back.
i have to, i have to.
