I was kicked out last night :(
i guess it's my stubborn attitude that clashes with my dad.
ugh! he can just be the most selfish person on this planet. i'm not even going to get into that right now.
but trust me it is.
when you are more up for buying yourself the new itouch then put money towards your daughters SAT or ACT tests, you've got a problem.


I walked around a while last night when I got out. I was just wearing a kinda big tie dyed t-shirt that just barely covered the little shorts i was wearing. no make up on, and my hair straight and down a little below my shoulders. i looked like, a bum. wandering spanish wells crying, only a not-so-charged cell phone in hand. I just remember that walk. nothing could scare me at that moment, nothing could upset me anymore. i felt immortal (i had technique;] ....small joke). then I thought, well, while all this is nice and how relaxingly dark and great it feels out here. I'm gonna need a place to sleep tonight. I called Catie, a really amazing friend. She met up with me down her street and we talked and talked and talked. Then....we made brownies! Suddenly my not so great night was turning around just by being there. away from my house.
before we went to bed we stayed up for a while giggling under the covers about hilarious senarios. "sci fi is THAT way!"
I tossed and turned all night. All but thoughts on my mind like strong notes in Forte.
...and the fact that my wisdom teeth were coming in and that plus me crying hours before created a huge uncomfortable headache.

i'm home now. it's 8:30. saved by the bell is on. I really want to see this, I love kelly, jessie, zach, slater, screech, and lisa. i miss those guys dearly!
I may just fall asleep though.
Pants is in a really cuddly mood and keeps purring and trying to twist her little body beside me anyway she can, somehow trying to lay in my arms.
sounds good to me, i miss cuddling. right now, even pants will do.

meet me in montauk.

I already forget how I used to feel about you
Leave as fast as you came, no invitation, nowhere to go from here
I've been wandering around wondering how I got so
Fucking boring all the sudden so fucking scared... I'm not
you'd mean so much more to me if I remembered.


This song is amazing by Circa Survive. you need to check it out if you haven't already. It's thirteen minutes long, and there is only about 6 minutes of song in it. You hear what you think is the whole song, but then minutes go by of silence and a hidden song appears.
The whole song is referred to eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
an amazing movie, and the band must really be into it as well. Seeing as, another title of their songs is called "wish resign'd" which is from the film in a little poem type thing.
if you look up the lyrics, you will see so many lines that make you think of the film.
a lot of their songs have hidden references to Eternal Sunshine. Definitely one of the best songs on the album. as old as it is, i still like to come back to old albums i haven't heard in a really long time and grow more appreciation for it.

ooooo la, she was such a good girl to me.
ooooo la, the world just chewed her up, & spat her out.








...and after such a good shuffle. the blood brothers come on.

hello sunshine! come into my life.

there are so many great movies coming out!
i'm excited for a many of things.
aka this weekend.




blissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissbliss
blissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissblissbliss
blissblissBLISS!

scratch that.
things are totally looking up.

this song is absolutely beautiful. agreed?



drinking alone in the morning, reached a new low eh?
these dumb weekend habits are getting to me, and with family history it's not such a good thing.
i hate guys, they always make me feel like shit and nothing and i get down there again.
when i think something is working with someone, theres always a reason i come up with of why it's not or why it cant.
i can't wait to scurry off to college and make a new life for myself. all this place is doing to me now is haunting me everywhere i go, everyone i see.
the thing is, hilton head isnt even bad at all. it's a nice place and by reading really really old blogs on this thing, it seemed to be my 'hiding' spot. from beaufort. i described it as this majestic place that i could just run to when things got bad in beaufort, my safety zone. the place where there were all these new people who made me so incredibly happy i couldnt see anything else to do but just move there.
but what i didn't expect, what i didn't think i'd find, is a lot of those people just turned on me and greatly disappointed me. they changed drastically. i know i probably changed myself but i never changed my morals or how i treated people.
i still cherish my great friends who are always there and who will always be there. and the new ones i've met and have grown to truly enjoy.
i'll take them everywhere always, no matter where i go.
but for the others i wish i could just burry in the ground and never think of any of them again.
start something new, refresh.
too bad things can't be that easy, i really wish they could.
i can't believe how different things were only just a year ago when i officially moved here.
i can't believe how much these hypocrites have changed so quickly. some of them are younger than me so i can figure it's because they are finding out who they are and it's bound to happen.


i can't wait for next weekend.
my mini getaway.

i have a pulsing headache.
this weekend kept me busy, basically 24/7
a lot of it involved miss erin kaeding and desiree, anna and the gang.
we got caught up in a lot of shenanigans.
but this weekend, it's what i needed.
i definitely couldn't just sit at home.
i wish i could say.....


i don't know.
i need time, time time.

lots of it.

I drove up all the way, put a pencil to a page.
and it only took a day.
though you had to move away, you didn't have to stay.
with a girl that's half your age.

cause you own me,
control me.
you own me.

we just had so much to say, every word carefully laid
and we didn't learn a thing

so I drove up all the way, and put a pencil to a page
for a girl that's half my age, my age

I've found a new and profound love for The American Analog Set.
I've always liked them, since a while back.
But they can't sound any better lately for some reason, I love them love them. Love them.


Bah, what a mess! How confusing! What do I do, how should I go about you, this whole thing?
If only I knew how you felt before, now it's too late I'm afraid.

"I am a fucked up girl who is looking for my own piece of mind."


But only, I do not know what I am looking for anymore.
I need to invest in some sort of compass.

Soundtrack of last weekend in Washington:

Wicked Wisdom- Of Montreal
Millstone- Brand New
Yasmin the Light- Explosions in the Sky
Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap
The Hatist- American Analog Set
Cheerleader- Grizzly Bear
Classy Plastic Lumber- Modest Mouse
Kisses over Babylon- Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Heads Will Roll- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Living in Twilight- The Weepies
Anne Louise- Manchester Orchestra
She found a Love- Manchester Orchestra
(PS can anyone tell me why MO always sings about God, and how somehow he is a let down?)
Poster of a Girl- Metric
Glass Ceiling- Metric
Here Comes Your Man- Meaghan Smith
Atlantic- Keane
Robbers- Cold War Kids
Hospital Beds- Cold War Kids
There is a Light that never goes out- The Smiths
The City Lights- Umbrellas
Window Sill- Aphex Twin
Bookends- Simon & Garfunkel


These are songs that I listened to more than a few times. I need to make a playlist now.

I love how it's a lot of peoples birthday this month.
cause I guess a lot of people do it in January (New years eve?) and then in 9 months (now) babies arrive!

So this is Fall, is it? It's nice, not too bad.
it was actually really hot yesterday.

I'm still partially jetlagged from the trip, I know I was only three hours behind the east coast, but for some reason it effected my sleeping schedule. ...Even though it never really was all that great.

Catie sleptover last night, it was a lot of fun because it's been a while since we've had a sleepover.
She's really wonderful to talk to, and we can give each other advice on anything.
...and we did hilarious marriage bot things and catie did a sexual compatibility bot thing, and it came out with the best outcomes. no, I mean the best.

Oh! I finally finished the wedding video for my sister last night! I've gotten a lot of feedback on it, several people have either commented me about it or FB IM'd me about it, but it's all been things like "this is so great!" or "great song!" but no one has given me any constructive criticism yet :(
so I'll post it on here, if ya happen to watch it please get back to me with SOMETHING! okay?







hmm, i've kinda got my eye on someone ;)
catie and I agree that he is more than perfect. fingers crossed.

here's to all the pretty words
we will never speak.
here's to all the pretty girls
you're gonna meet.

Home : )

I miss the west coast immensely. Coming back here, I realize I don't belong here even more than before. I love big cities like the ones I was in, there are amazing bands playing every night and there is always things to do, and fashion on every block.
The wedding was beautiful, I even got to dance with two fine young men!
I loved constantly being around my sisters, they always kept me smiling. We do our "What. Why?" jokes a lot, where we say the word "What." really low and fast when something random or stupid happens. then we go, why?
it's kind of our thing...
and we are notorious for our 'what if' scenarios. if you know me, you know i'm always saying "what if blah blah blah blah" mostly funny random scenarios.
I have a lot of footage for the wedding and was asked to put together a video, thanks to all the people that texted me ideas for it!
I'll be working on it today or today and tomorrow. I hope everyone takes the time to watch it, because there is some great footage.
I loved having cute little text buddies while I was away too, it made the trip even more fun :)
Now I am home, and I havent slept all night. Lets see, we took our first flight home last night at 10:30 (3 hours behind our time) and I got to the Savannah airport at about 8:40 ish (in our time). so i've basically been awake...
for a really really long time.

so i probably have much more to write but I am....exhausted to say the least?
it's annas birthday today and i need to recharge for that, i got her a cute present in downtown Oregon with the more fantastic boutiques and stores, i got some cute clothes for myself as well ;)

bye! can't wait to see everyone!

p.s. all the wedding pictures are stored on my facebook, go look!

aw, how cute!

have you ever been high as fuck?

If I smoked pot, this video would probably be a lot more funny to me.
Eh, I like it none the less.

I just watched the commercial for Jennifer's body.
So stupid. It reminds me how extremely lame sorority girls are.
I remember once my sister Lacie told me when she went to college, she saw the sorority girls as the cheerleaders everyone hated in high school, except more fake and more obsessed.

i thought that was funny.
i'm up so early, ugh. i mean it's not so early now, but i went to bed really late typing stuff for school and then i woke up and took a shower and now i just want to sleep again.
and around 12 Erin and I are going to lunch.
yay for pow-wows!

they're now making the kanye scandal out to be like the man bombed the fucking pentagon.
i mean, they have him on talk shows now and he starts crying.
for feeling bad.
it shouldn't be going this far at all, haha. yeah it was really rude, i totally agree. but jeez.

I am leaving a far distance from here in just a couple of days. I will be far away from everyone and everything, which is what i need.
i'm leaving thursday morning around 4 a.m. and then it will take half the day just to get there, and then when we do i have to get ready for the bachlorette party that night. i'm excited that i'm old enough to go! haha, i remember when natalie and lacie used to do 'big girl' things when i was only really small and now i'm slowly starting to join in with them, finally!
i love my sisters so much.

mehhh.

okay i should stop stalling and do school work.

Nobody sings anymore

she'd give him the world, he only had to ask her
but controlling yourself is easier when you're sober.


Damn you, MO. Stop amazing me so!

I love how the only times I'm really a 'wine-o' is at my moms for family gathering type things.
it's just so appropriate then.
also, after finishing off a glass or more, destroying them all in scrabble.
even my ever so wise sister.


washington on thursday, it's going to be a long painful plane ride, sort of across the U.S.
i'm afraid of heights. Dramamine will be used, for sure.

my family members are so dysfunctional, it's great.

a lot of people are obsessing over the VMAs right now, I have it turned on in case something huge happens. I'm not actively watching it, like I didnt see what 'kanye did to taylor' and apparently it's something huge. I know the overall story of it though, I suppose.
I think I'm about to watch Catch Me if You Can with Leo Dicaprio instead. It's a pretty intense movie from what I can remember.

Ciao

Reached a new high.
Now understanding so much.


and you're starting to really make me happy.
at first, I thought the age thing would be a little weird, but it's not that far off.
I mean, what. You're not even three years older than me.
That's not so bad....right?
you're way too perfect and adorable for me to pass up.
thanks for waking me up.
I'm finally really happy. : )

Trippiest dream ever, I concur.

So I had this really crazy dream last night. Weirdest one I have ever had in all honesty. Yet, I'd probably dream it over and over again if I could.
First off, there was this magical website. It was called, Animal.com
I went to it today, realizing it's only an animal planet thing. Anyways, in my dream, it was this really creepy magical website.
You press a button and the nearest TV turns on. There was this older man and an older woman, as the host, with crazy faces. Then there were video clips of my mom and I about 14 years ago-ish. Then it showed a clip of a pool, and my sister when she was 8, ice skating across it and looking at me from outside the tv and smiling. Then Patrick Swayze was there, dancing really stupid but he was younger from like, the Dirty Dancing era. All these weird things were on the Tv circling around and the volume was getting louder and the hosts came out of the TV and said, ready to go to the ZOO?! and then I nodded my head slowly, and POOF. I was in this zoo. I was standing in front of a fenced in area filled with horny elephants and a friendly goat wanting me to pet him.
I kept walking, there was a big Tilt-o-whirl thing, but it was a waterslide instead and...I can't really explain that one.
Anyways, I kept walking into these other rooms and dimensions. I walked into this salad buffet type thing with all these different salad dressings, and all the puppys kept poking out of them but when I tried to get one out of the dressing they would disappear. It was some illusion.
Then I saw Aaron, he is walking around too. He says, this place is freaking me out..
he was there because I remember in my dream before going to this link, I was talking to Aaron on MSN (in my dream of course) and giving him the link and I said, meet me here. And he clicked it and now we are both here, in this weird place. I have to hurry this up, basically it was a weird dream but the only way I got home was to look for this magical red milk carton and press a button on it. I didn't exactly want to leave though because everything was magic, I could turn two oranges into cereal bowls, and this woman turned my scarf into a flashlight.
Okay, bye!

"A really good song lyric because I can't think of one right now"

Todays blog will be about an interesting thought that came to my mind.
Why do girls like the 'assholes' over the 'sweethearts'?
Well, you see it's very simple if you see it this way. There is something that just annoys us to the very core. We love the excitement! We subconsciously like the fact that we get treated like dirt by jerks, because we can complain about it. Either to ourselves, or how many other girls like to vent, to their best friends. It's all a familiar game, you see. But then you question the obvious..
Why do we hate this act so much, yet keep getting hungry for more? What is it, that entices us to keep aiming for that kind. Because, we live for those little specs of pure surprise from those men. They will sporadically do something we'd say was cute, or heart-warming. Such as, saying something really adorable before they kiss us. A certain technique they may use while laying in bed with you, like the way they 'cuddle'. Would they call it cuddling? I don't know, but they aren't afraid to do it. Even I, myself, has had my share of 'assholes' (trust me) yet I haven't seemed to learn. I go through life thinking, Ugh! When will a decent guy just like me already. Truth is, they have. Same with a lot of girls, they think they aren't scoped out by the good guys but they really are. We are just too picky and turned off to the sweet approaches they automatically throw at us! Sure, it's all nice and dandy. But won't it get old? I know when I am with a guy who isn't known to do sweet things, when they ever did, it meant so much that I can't even put it in words. Girls love that feeling so much that they put aside all the shitty things that happen to them, just for the surprise. I realized this by thinking, I know some truly sweet guys and I have let them go so many times, even very recently. I've met a few people in the last few weeks who probably could be something but, the sweet texts and the cute-sy lines just get to be too much. I know a lot of people can agree.
The sad thing is, is it's the good guys who will take you on a genuine date.
It's the good guys who care more about you then what's in your...pants?
It's the good guys who are there longer.
It's the good guys who will love you in the end.

So why pass all those great things up, for that one spur of the moment feeling.
It's really not a right or wrong answer, for whatever that girl is more into.
It's just what you tolerate for yourself more. It's A, or it's B.
I haven't chosen yet.
When I seem to think I have all the answers.





this blog was inspired by: Sex & The City, Cosmopolitan July 2009, chats with Desiree late at night, the sweet guys that keep trying, and the other guys who never did.

mostly from Cosmopolitan though


yeah, this blog is super GAY

you arrogant little shit.
if that one little sentence in your blog was at all about me, which i'm 96% sure it was,
you definitely know nothing about me at all.

i haven't seen you since before summer (or kind of during it) and you supposedly know what i 'do'? you have no clue what i do, where i am, or who i am for that matter.
what the hell is wrong with you? i did nothing to ignite this, and gave you no reason to put me in such a....disgusting low light.
it will never make any sense to me, what so ever.

maybe that part in your blog had nothing to do with me, which would be reasonable seeing as it doesn't match me at all, i just know that's how you think of me. which i'm clueless to why, but besides that, it's just wrong to say those things about someone.
unless its really really true, then maybe it would be just a little bit more acceptable.


EDIT:
So I just took a shower right after I wrote all this. I realized how stupid it was to write this, I get so frustrated and I overwrite things I don't need to. Why should I care what someone I no longer have contact with says about me? like i said before, they don't know me, so don't let it bother me. I guess I was just so aggravated because it was the last thing i needed to see/read after what's going on with my brother and everything else. It was just the cherry on top. But it was immature and juvenile on my part to rant about this because I honestly shouldn't let it bother me. He can write whatever he wants but I know what he says is ridiculous, I guess I'm so afraid other people will buy his crap and see me as someone they really shouldn't. But, no use in letting it get to me. I could just erase this blog, but I figured I'd keep it just to look back and see how different i get when I'm truly angry. Now this stupid blog took away from the other blog I posted today, below this, which is fun and positive!

Sorry for the blog meltdown.
Now I find this all humorous.

Paul and Spanish. what a great combo! Love this.


Today was so great. I did a few hours concerning school, I got an excellent grade on my psych paper. The teacher even commented, "Is this a profession you wish to pursue?"
eh, no. As much as the whole generality of it all entices me in that direction, it's not something I will pursue. But I will definitely be able to study it!
Then Desiree came over around 2, we checked on anna and headed to le beach!
We ate at Stu's first, which was so wonderful. The guy that works there LOVES us!
We get to the beach, and there are barely any souls there. Except us and the elders. Maybe some seagulls too, they were there.
It felt so amazing, i love sitting under the sun. So relaxing, especially since the sun wasn't excruciatingly hot. It was perfect, got some color too.
Then we went to Java Joe's and had yummy drinks.
I then came home and took a really super long nap. It made me really tired though, like now I could probably go back to sleep.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to my orthodontist appointment and i'm getting SOOOO close to getting these stupid braces off, I'm so excited. I wonder what I'll look like, ha.

six more days until Washington State, can't wait to be in a completely different environment, you know? As beautiful as Hilton Head is, it can be pretty painful for various reasons.
So.....that's all I guess?


goodbye.

start-

i feel completely lost right now.
everything is way out of place, everything just slipped through my fingers.
there was a point in time where i think i had everything that i could ever want now, but all of it was taken for granted. i didn't seem to care. i didn't seem to notice the importance of all those valuable things.
now, so many things are missing.
my extremely adored Ipod, my 2 inch longer hair which i long for now, my car which i never understood how lucky i was, and people.
now all that's left is being here, all the time. no way out, and every thing is either destroyed or stolen.


actually, i'm really into school work right now. since i'm taking astronomy i havent been more interested in the solar system and all these really interesting aspects. and psychology has really interested me as well, i love learning more and more. music theory to me is really easy, but it's still fun.
everything else is just doable.

derek and i are going job hunting together this week. this will be so great, haha.
something i can look forward to is...YES getting my braces off. super soon.

theres certain things that make me pretty uncomfortable to read, so i make it so i won't ever have to. i just want things to be easier right now, hopefully that is understandable.
i'm glad it sums up that fun is being had, and happiness is reached but learning certain branches or causes of that needs to be hidden.

now, i have some old school sherlock holmes mystery novels to indulge in (Dr. Watson is on to something...), and i can end this awkward blog.


-end

ten people

1 you're artsy, wear cute glasses, skinny and like good music. completely 'indie'. but you're twenty and you smoke pot from time to time. pros and cons, pros and cons.. i just do not know

2 you're my best friend, never really noticed how much you cared until you seem to strive to see me happy at all costs. you couldn't ask for anyone better, really. you're beautiful and sometimes you fail to see it, but you should. i love you with all of my little heart.

3 you surprise me so intensely on how quickly you swap from the good to the bad side. i used to really really like you.

4 i don't know with you anymore. we're supposed to be the best of friends but i never know when to think you are mad at me or just in a bad mood. i feel like if i say something wrong, you will hate me.

5 you're being erased.

6 i thought there was potential there but when you came back down i realized that you just aren't quite my type. i don't know what my type is for that matter. you're a great person though, you really are.

7 i'm glad things have been looking up for you, and myself as well

8 i miss you so much, i know i shouldn't because all you are is trouble and brought drama all around every group of friends. but you had so much life in you that i was always smiling. i don't know what happened.

9 you're an asshole, and you know it. you always blog and whine about how you feel like you're lonely and have no friends and that everyone left, but not many people left are willing to be friends with such a dick as yourself. not many at least.

10 i see you have gotten yourself in a really sticky situation, i want you to do the right thing but i also just want to see you happy. if you go the road you want, you will hurt someone and you know this. but either way, aren't you hurting them all in all? you are smart enough to do what's best, you are a great person. i love you a lot.

traveling, swallowing, dramamine

it's blows my mind how much people can change within a year.
when i moved here, i met people who i thought were so insanely interesting and sweet.
then, a little before the year is even over i come to find they are just dicks in disguise!
that, or they decide to change drastically.
maybe people start to hate you when you deny them of sexual acts. like, say, blowjobs. or sex.
well that covers just one of them at least. the others, i can't come to a conclusion of why.
and for those...no one feel targeted, please. this is aimed to more than a couple of people.

and i find it funny, while i was close to all these people...
people i hated then are coming to me now being as sweet as they can be wanting to be friends.
like, erin kaeding or other people. and i'm glad because they are really genuinely great.
right now, i'm honestly happy with all the people i'm close to. i know a lot of really fantastic people. best friends, and really close acquaintances. also, people i never expected to get to know.
but. they are now far away, so i have to see them when i can. which is fine with me : )

i feel awkward, just because i know that when people go to my blogs and read them they probably think i'm the most negative person to walk the planet. it's really the only place i put negativeness though, at least now anyways. i'm not so negative, i like being positive.
if you asked me now, i'd say i'm a pretty happy gal.

ive just, really recently tried not to let the same things bother me as they used to i guess.
everything is bound to turn bitter at some point, so why endure the taste any longer than you should?
i feel like a completely different and refreshed person.
someone better, someone more....desirable i hope?


i'm happy, i am.

thank you

for that post. it's what i probably needed to see.



last night, last night, last night.
i jinxed myself big time yesterday when i made my facebook status "awaiting a day with a series of fortunate events."
because there were more unfortunate events then, fortunate.
the beach, it was nice. i got a little color and the sun felt really great.
...& listening to my ipod while laying under it couldn't have been any better.
but, i broke my favorite flip flops from someone stepping on them while i was walking on accident.
it hurt to eat anything because I swear my wisdom teeth are coming in (why are they so wise again?)
and i didn't have any money for those perfect, amazing tasting chocolate smoothie things at java joes and when i had some of desirees, it spilled a little on my dress thing.
then, i'm stuck with a shirt that i have no clue what to do with. and i'm a firm believer in now destroying things such as that. especially since it's really cool! i guess i'll just sleep in it.
and. then, my ipod got stolen from someone i probably don't even know meaning i'll never get it back.
and i cried over it, and was completely broken, my ipod has been my life pretty much, basically.
and now. no more music. no more blank cd's, no more anything. dofhsgidhgsodg bahhdfsgh.
okay i can't even type about that right now, i'll go crazy.
i was too paranoid last night to relax and have a good time, like always. i seem to be uptight.
and cleaning up after everything, constantly washing dishes and towels/laundry.
i didnt sleep at all, and then i slept today and the AC turned off so i was hot as balls.

the only thing fortunate is that someone came last night and it was really sweet.
i feel so bad that i barely had time for you last night, everything was so chaotic.
gah.
but i don't know, something didn't quite feel right either..
yet i'm still really glad. we had some fun, but most of it was me like freaking out haha.
ugh. never doing this again. never. never. never. never. never. never. never. never.
i never understood the meaning of 'never' until now. but it's in action, you have my word.
never.
never.
never.
me and my crazy little dreams.
they were weird today. but i blog about my dreams too much and i feel stupid about it.
whatever, goodbye whoever you are. i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day.





....or do i?

ah, tonight i've had a headache since caties birthday party.
all on the left side of my head.
i think it's cause i didn't eat anything all day,
but the headache got so bad i didn't want to eat at her party and now it's a migraine headache.
i feel so nauseous & just looking at the screen on my laptop is like taking a bullet to my head.
ugh, and it's almost 4 and i can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeep!
i do have many thoughts going through my head though.
about silly boys.
i keep on making up these situations in my head with guys i know.
some that make me super happy, and some that are really dramatic haha.
i love it. but it's keeping me awake! counting sheep honestly always does the trick, sheep are more fun then boys anyhow.

and wow, you are absolutely adorable.
oh god, yes.


i'd say i should put on like, elliott smith or iron & wine, or a little bright eyes to do the trick.
but any noise right now would be murder, even the softest of songs.
damn it, there should never be a common pain (such as the headache.) that gets in the way of listening to music.
lets attempt this process they call sleep one more time, eh?

oh, and by the way.


SCAD is amazing, you don't know what you're talking about.

i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.

He'll never come back as the man you dropped, he'll never come back as the man you loved.

after tonight, i feel a little better.
i've had a pretty good day : )
this morning, i did something.
then.
cody & catie & kara & anna & i went to moes.
(i love how many '&'s i put.)
and then, i went home, took a nap and then went on a 2 mile run, which was especially nice.
i took a break on the golf courses and just layed there in the grass breathing heavily, and looking up at the pretty mossy tree's and sky. listening to my ipod. everything was so vivid.
i come home, and call my school adviser and we go over my schedule.
so i'm taking a couple maths, astronomy, psychology, british literature, music theory, and french.
this is an okay schedule for me.
so, getting my subjects and everything out of the way I feel much better.
Then, desiree and i have a long conversation on the phone about school and what we plan to do.
we both want to go to scad next year, she wants to go for performing arts (which she totally can, she has the greatest potential, hopefully we'd room together) and i want to go there for fashion design. there are a few different things i'd like to do in fashion, however. either design and start with a little botique, or write for some fashion magazine (dream big right?) or be a fashion intern.
i'd like to work behind the scenes in fashion shows and hopefully one day have my designs get put on models.
at scad, if i were to ever make it into the fashion program, they do really exciting things. I did my research. At the end of your journey, towards gradution, they send you out and pick out a certain kind of fabric and color(s). then you have to put together about 5 outfits and with your class theres a little over 100 outfits. people choose from them and if you're lucky enough, your outfit could be used on the runway, and all these designers will see it!
i have so many ideas for outfits, i have them painted in my head just not put on paper.
i'm going to start sketching all of my ideas and if they are good enough i will use them when I apply.
So, i feel a little more relieved now that i kind of have something figured out. It's not a sure thing of course it's just my goal.
tomorrow i'm going to go desk hunting to get everything set up.
i need one in my room anyways.
i'm super excited. I told my dad about my plan and i was all, well, i'd like to get a job in retail so i can have something in clothing to put on a resume. and to do this, well i need a car. to get to work.
and so now, i think he is more 'gung-ho' on helping me get one.
ha, i'm pretty sure he wants me out of the house asap anyways.
with my job i'm gonna save up and be able to pay for my own insurance and everything else.
so, i don't want to need him to be in charge of paying for it and all this other stuff. i want to start doing things on my own.
as for the love life, i have a couple people in mind who i might be interested in, and vice versa, but i'm going with the flow for now.
so.
we shall see, what is in store for me ;]

thank you for helping, listening, being amazing. :)


running is my new favorite thing in the whole wide world!
2 miles today, yes.

i'm trapped.
suffocated.
i can't live here anymore.
how could i reach the point of standing face to face with my dad just begging for him to hit me?
i know he really wanted to, so i wanted him to.
he doesn't care about me, like a lot of people in my life that i thought were important.
i feel like dirt.
i'm here again.
i hate it.
i don't want to ....be here. right now.

i dont want to be posting such a stupid blog that will just be mocked.
i hate this. i hate every fucking thing right now.
he can't deal with me, so he wants me to move in with her again. i can't,
i just can't go back there. it was terrible, miserable.
so many awful memories rot there in the pit of the room i used to sleep in.
and now, bad memories are starting to form here.
i resent them both so much.
he blames me for his unhappiness, when it should be the other way around.
he's not here enough to blame me for such things.
why else do i have repetitive dreams of him either abandoning me for good, or letting me die with some crazy disease without trying to treat me?
he makes me feel like shit.

i couldnt be more... disgusted with myself right now.
i do stupid things..

and i hate how he tunes me out when i'm trying to tell him simply how i feel.
he makes me feel invisible mostly all the time, he only talks to me when i'm doing something wrong.

why does he hate me so much, what did i do?
why can't i just feel so much more love from them, god from anyone.