I just taught pants how to play fetch.
i throw this...flashy little toy she has and she runs and grabs it in her mouth and brings it back to me.
it's the cutest thing.

i give all of mine to ya honey, but you're always busy.

So, I'm hired at Banana Republic, I really do think I am gonna hold onto this job longer than the others.
Food and beverage was never really my thing anyways. I really wanted to be in retail, because I want to be in fashion when I'm older.
I like throwing together outfits and making simple things into something great just by adding the right accessories. I even want to intern for a magazine one day, but I'm sure I'm dreaming too big here, hah.
But I love fashion, and I love writing, so it seems right!
At least I have some sense of direction in my future, eh? I really can't wait to get married tooooo.
but to some amazing guy who treats me so well, and we have this cute little house, around a lot of fun places to go. He will love the music I love, he will like my type of humor and he will want to be romantic once in a while without overdoing it. In his eyes, I will never be second best and the greatest part is, we will be really really happy. and I'll give him children too, and they will be adorable.

Yep.

One day.
if this...guy came around soon enough I'd marry him the second I turned 18, but this world is pretty big outside of where I have been so I'm sure it will take a while to find. He just really must care about me, (:

that would be my ideal future.
a girl can only hope, right?
:(


fun night, I guess. random people, it's weird because my opinion on a select people change day by day.
I can like them, and then not like them with their presence and how they act.
I can NOT like them, and regain respect again with how they act around me.
it goes both ways, I'm not one to really stay mad at someone and I don't hold grudges (which can be a good and bad thing) so I mean, it's weird. The only thing though, is my trust in people decrease more and more and eventually, who knows.

I never knew you to be the type to ride people's asses on the road, and I have bad road rage. so that's why I dropped the speed down like, 20 mph. it pisses me off when people do that, ugh!

I miss Kristen, she still reads my blogs cause she commented on one of them and it made me happy. I hope I see her soon.

Planet Smoothie & Stu's with desiree was delish, and being in coligny and getting mad hit on by awkward fellas. but man, one of them was really, really cute. tourists just aint my thing.
(very stereotypical, I know)

My slutty dad has a new commercial out, and I find it funny. Never saw him act before or be on camera, weird.

I need to stop blogging and get plans straight for tonight. bye!

i wanted to have a good night, i went shopping for clothes and had a day planned all out
i met up with desiree and we went to the show, my curfew is 12 and i wanted to make it without no complaints to avoid anymore arguments with my dad.
lately i've been feeling kinda shitty and i was trying to put my best face on at coligny and did for the most part, but..
i just really didnt want to be there. i didn't feel comfortable or wanted.
so i left by 11:45 to hopefully make curfew, i could have gone somewhere else.
but yeah, i walk through the door expecting my dad there waiting for me.
no, his car is in the garage. okay, so i walk inside. no ones inside the house, but wait whats that noise? is someone getting murdered?

no it's my dad fucking his girlfriend. at this point my stomach is twisting and i feel like puking.
i can still hear it, they are still going at it, i cant stand it. he gives me lectures on how he wants me home at this certain time and he is very paranoid until i'm home. yeah seems like it, seems like you're really paranoid, i'm fucking disgusted.

i hate it here, i dont know what the fuck is going to happen after this summer, i dont want to stay here. first of all half of the people are leaving, second of all this house is the lonliest place i've ever been, i hate being here.
i cant go to my moms, she'd rather have her cheating-child molesting-cock roach nigger boyfriend sleep there.
are they still fucking downstairs really? it sounds like a cheap porno made in a basement in the 80's.
so what the fuck
i feel like im walking through summer and when its over theres no where else to walk.
its almost as if its the end of a cliff and you have no choice but to just jump

i'm sick of always feeling ignored, and feeling shitty all the time and stooping down to writing 8th grader pity-feel-sorry-for-me son of a bitch blogs about it.

sometimes a diary doesnt cut it
i hate tonight i hate tonight i hate tonight i hate tonight



i hate acting like those girls who are always fucking sad cause im not, but its no fun to blog when you're happy cause you have better things to do when you're happy

damn it

fuck

you feel so low, that you can't feel nothing at all.

yes yes yes, i DID quote a taylor swift song for the title of this blog. oh well, its my guilty pleasure song.

what's been up with me?
i'm going to skip last week.
haley says i don't blog anymore and that i should, well heres an attempt. why does it feel like so much more effort to blog now then it has before?
lets see..
this summer has been an interesting one. i don't think i should have a cell phone.
i don't answer half of the phone calls i get, i ignore a lot of them, not purposefully even.
i don't know why i do it.
oh yeah back to the summer..
it's been a tad boring. people are either away doing something better than i am, or are turning into whores.

either way, it's frustrating.
sometimes i get urges to do whorish things, i dont ever really act on it
but, hey.
i dont know.







i lied, i dont know if i feel better
it would be nice to be wanted

one minute, too late.

goodbye.

-I am, the luckiest.

he's a brick & i'm drowning slowly,
off the coast & i'm headed nowhere.


I'd like to finish my story. I am close to being done, and trying to prove that I can get something like this completed for once.

I hope Gage had a good birthday today!

I was feeling really sick today, and I'm probably going to feel worse tomorrow. Imagine if I ended up going to Bonnaroo, with a high fever. Guess it would be a good opportunity to sweat it out.

haha, what is it about Facebook that screams : STRANGERS ON MELANIE'S FB IM LIST, INSTANT MESSAGE HER WITH PERSONAL SHIT ABOUT YOU! even though half the time i never met these people like once.
like right now.
Justin Deinema? what. i've never met him once, and he's like pouring out everything to me. it's SO wierd.

please go to this link: http://www.zachandlacie.wedsite.com/
and listen to the first song, it's so beautiful. [Sigur Ros] then open the little wedding book thing, & get to the page where it says "gallery" there are pictures of Lacie & Zach together, and even ME! bahaha, I can't wait to see her. She really is so amazing, and I can only dream of being like her.

Maybe I'm saying that cause I desperately hate being me, so much to the point sometimes where it's just screaming give up.
But I can't do that and contradict myself when I tell other people those are stupid thoughts. Multiple friends, actually.
I can't contradict.
So that is that.

I'm getting into Ben Folds again, he's peaceful and brings back memories.
I'm going to finish writing I guess, and hopefully read some more of my book.

Everyone going to Bonnaroo, you are all lucky sons-of-bitches.
:( But I hope you guys have a killer amount of fun & enjoyment in the next four days, wish I was there.


love always,
me

May 20th 1998 10:39 pm
It has been two days. Where are you? I keep waiting to hear a tap at my window. I don’t play music at night, just because I’m so anxious to hear you throw those rocks. You still don’t come, maybe I’m being obsessive. I already miss you, you’re the only thing on my mind. When you’re around I feel a sense of reality but the second you’re away I’m in some world that somebody is writing for me one second at a time. Whoever is writing this twisted story, please pencil my lover in somewhere soon. Please please please! I keep hearing little rocks being thrown but I look out the window and there are no rocks around and no one there. The sound of the rocks turn into boulders falling from the sky. The boulders from the sky turn into shrieks full of pain and misery. I know though, that my room is completely silent and that’s when I hear things the most.

Tip-toes to the ledge. Tip-toes to the ledge. Go farther, you’re worthless. You are nothing meaningful in the world and you’re mind is just as fucked up as your purpose here. The only man who loves you is made up and even he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

“No!” She stammers. “Stop! Please, leave me alone!”

Don’t be scared. This is what’s right. You will never be happy here.

“…Y-yes yes I will be, I will be, stop talking you don’t exist. You don’t exist. You’re only a voice. You’re a figment. You don’t exist you don’t exist.”
Oh but I am. Listen to my voice. Get it over with, you’re so close to ending this nightmare.

Now she is screaming and crying hysterically.
“Mila?! ….MILA GET DOWN FROM THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” Her mother rushes to her, reaches around her abdomen and pulls her down, embraces her in a tight hug making sure Mila won’t go anywhere else but in her arms.
“I’m sorry mother I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please make them stop!” She says softly behind her harsh tears.
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow you’re going to Dr. Murdock, this time you tell him everything okay? Even if it hurts tell him everything.”
“Okay mom. I’ll go, I will. I’ll go.”

---

“He hasn’t returned for 5 days now. My head is acting up even more. The pills, well they aren’t strong enough.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. You know we can’t up your dose anymore, I don’t understand this. You need to realize that this person you are infatuated with is not real. Take it into heart, you see, you can’t receive the affection you want right now simply because he’s just not there to give it. When he was, was when your brain wanted to trick you the most. Think of your brain as…an older sibling to the heart. It plays little tricks on it, but even through the emotional pain they still work together and need each other. Your brain taunts you and makes you feel this connection with…this person, this imagination. See…”
He pauses. Looks blank and stares straight ahead without saying a word.
“…are you okay doctor? Mr. Murdock, hello?
He slowly moves his eyelids up and down and comes back from his blankness.
“Oh, well wow. I’m sorry dear, I don’t know what just happened. Must be tired…”
“Oh. It’s okay. Anyways… you were saying.”
“Right. I was saying, just forget that. What does this man look like to you?”
“well, he’s tall. Very patient and kind with me, his face…he looks washed out and well. To be honest, his face is a little blurry to me, I don’t know why. When I am around him I can pan him out perfectly but when I try to describe him to someone else, all memory of him just fades. All I have of him is in this…”
“In what?” skeptical.
“Just this journal I keep. It’s nothing. I record the things we do together, the nights he comes to my window. It’s always dark, haven’t seen him in daylight. We do have memories though, and Mr. Murdock. He is just so real to me, no one understands. He is so secretive and mysterious, but he loves me I know it. And… wait. It’s been an hour and ten minutes. Time is up…maybe this is a good thing. I don’t want to get into this now anyways.”
He reaches over and touches her hand, “No… I want you to.”
She looks up, pulls away. “What? No I should really go. I’ll see you next week though, honest.”
“Yeah yeah, sorry that was not right of me, I’m a professional psychiatrist! The time for these sessions are always exact. Forget that, I’ll see you then. If you hear those voices again, you and your mother contact me immediately, you hear?”
“Of course. Bye Richard.”
“What?”
She slightly smiles, embarrassed. “Goodbye Dr. Murdock.”

He looks around the office room while it’s quite and abandoned.
To himself he says, “What the hell is going on.”
He gets up and heads home.

[to be continued.]

there's too much beauty to quit.

-wake
-study
-sleep
-wake
-check 20 unread texts
-it's 2
-get another text
-go get pizza with madi terry matt kenzi, and kirsten?
-madi's house
-walmart; madi played awful country music in the car.
-paint
-home



i want to get out of my house again.
too late?

wow,



great to know you feel this way about everything now.

thanks, honestly.
cause now this just makes today THAT much better.







goodnight, dumbass world.

...to be continued.

“What’s real anyways?” She says.
“What do you mean by that exactly.”
“Just look. See that?” She points, “We can’t touch it, we can’t feel it. We see it. But how far has eyes ever gotten us?”
“That’s the sky, Mila. It’s here, it’s real and powerful.”
Silence. Hearing footsteps down the hall, if the feet were bare the touch of them to the ground would be amplified through the cracks of the door. She looks down, denied.
“I’m sorry. Seems as if the session is up, next week same time okay for you?” he says as he jots in his little planning pad.
“Time is nothing but an illusion as well, Dr. Murdock. I won’t harm anyone this time. Maybe we will meet again.” She stares him in the eye, him looking back, hers slightly glistening.
“We can’t trust that, I’m sorry. You’ve been ordered to come to me for another month or else. You know the deal, I’m sorry dear. This will get better.”
She walks slowly to the door, “You said that 3 years ago, before my life turned to shit. Goodbye.”

Pull knob tight. Shut. The door to her room is closed and there’s just enough light from her miniature lamp to go write in her journal.

May 16th 1998 11:23 pm
He threw a rock at my window again. I heard it loud and clear. He’s real I know he is. Forget Dr. Murdock, forget what they say. I love him, but what’s his name? There was so much passion tonight, I could feel it in his kiss. His touch, he felt me and only someone physically around can do that. He isn’t made up, we danced. He is all that I live for, he is the only thing that is real to me. Why can no one see that I am happy, even if he didn’t exist shouldn’t that be the only thing that matters? What is living if we will never be happy, if everyone is always telling you that you are just crazy. I don’t even care what is real or made up anymore. It’s just too much effort to care anymore. He is beautiful and I love everything about him and if he is some mad imagination, so be it! I am in love, either with a man or the bliss of my mind.

“Dr. Murdock called this morning Mila, he’s very worried. You seem blank, he says, in your past sessions.”
“No mother. Everything is fine, I’m still going to see him next week, usual time! It was just a bad day yesterday…that’s all…”
She sighs, and sits down next to Mila on the outside patio bench where Mila spends most of her time, gazing into the trees. “Why was yesterday bad honey, please don’t tell me it’s this crazy imaginary boyfriend of yours again getting you down. I mean honestly, you create these little break-ups in your head and you don’t even eat for a week.”
“I told you I don’t want to discuss this with you. You’re so oblivious! Don’t you get it? He’s real to me no matter how schizo you think I am.”
Her mother begins to speak but can’t get the words outs. She walks away and leaves her daughter be.

----

“Stop pacing, Richard! What is wrong with you?”
“I’m a fucking psychiatrist who can’t even remember where he has been for two hours.”
“I wish I could have less hours from the firm to understand what you are talking about. If I were home more maybe I could figure out these blackouts of yours. Tell me everything you remember.”
“Darling, don’t blame this on yourself. I’m sorry I am just freaking out. I was at the store buying that organic bread you like, the next thing I know I am walking up the sidewalk two blocks from our apartment complex. Anyways, I’ll get this nonsense to a halt. Right now, just let me soak in the bath.”
“Okay, that sounds like a good idea. Oh how was work?”
He stops walking towards the bathroom and turns around. “No, that reminds me. I have to call a patient of mines mother.”
“…sweetheart. It’s 11:00 at night. You should know better than to call a patient’s MOTHER this late!” She giggles lightly as she heads over to start the bath.
“You’re right” he says loud enough for her to hear. “Yeah I’ll just call first thing in the morning.”

it was 1 am
and the sun was still out.

Dinu Lipatti's Bones

scraped our fingers bloody on the stones
and built a little house that we could live in










it was a day of so much bliss & twists.
...too bad i'm not listing any of 'em.
;)


i've been chained liked a tiger, to hundreds of liars all holding hands.
coolest shit of the day:

the anti-music song

does anyone like The Mountain Goats?
I do.


I went to relay last night, the bands were ..okay but as usual YMC dominates them all.
They have talent they do.

My mind's been racing all night and all this morning non-stop. It's icky and unsettling. Then of course I have a terrible dream about Pants dying.
ugh, it was awful, and I felt like a bad parent.
Which I feel like I will be a great one in real life one day. Although I'm sure many people disagree they just don't know me to a point.
ha.

I want to make Girl by Beck my ringtone, just because it sounds so ringtone like.

School is a major stress factor right now, I'm stuck.
and don't say "oh you don't go to school, shut up."
Just because I don't go to it, does not mean I don't do it. & the public library is basically... my school.

I just honestly want to finish up this blog.
Someone call me today and ease my mind, mahhhh.

sleep here,




please?





for the life of me, i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise?

i'll believe in anything.

bahh.

you.
are.
so.
SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYFDKSDFHFDGH








and good god.
mmm

your mouth is open wide, the lover is inside.

Caution: No one will understand this, well barely

I can't sleep, it must be in the air here. But this time around you can be anyone, Helen Stellar says as we go into another dimension. Oh my god, what am I doing here? I will wait under the tows like lions do. God, my god where have you been? It seems like when everything is lonely I can be my own best friend. Well there's no stopping this, I'm gutting you out.
"I just wanted to be loved", I said. "It's just something that I've never had." But what I really can't believe is he's actually gone and there's nothing left but a fucking song. But thank you for talking because I needed to. I've really just tangoed one too many times, and the floors just not for me. Baby maybe I spoke too soon, I'll touch you once, but you make the first move.
I'm still sinking like a stone in the sea, and i'm burning like a bridge for your body. I want you back and forth, I want you up and down, I want you inside out. But we know what happens when we get to your house, as I kissed you with my cherry lipstick. What I wish for wont come true, live with that. My life's like a bad movie, and you said "that's true of all us." I really am writing you a song, and I hope that you don't mind. At least I spelled your name right. I must belong somewhere. Just love me now, hell is coming. Kiss my mouth, hell is here.
I'm leaving this place and theres nothing I plan to take. Just you.

open
breathe
step frontwards
breathe
sink your hands in
breathe
walk through the door
breathe
widen your arms
breathe
let go
breathe
serenade the trees
breathe
eyes sunken in your skull
breathe
feel the brightness
breathe
tell her
breathe
hold closely
breathe
now racing
breath
create the wrath from unknowing
breathe


you gotta remember to breathe, or you'll die.



waking up early is the new sleeping in.
Au revoir, folks

and if you say theres no truth & who cares- how come you say it like you're right?

eh, blogging's not so terrible I guess.
It just grows more and more of a non-private affair.
You start out making one of these things not knowing what to expect, just throw your every thought down not thinking about who will read it and what not.
Just seems like now the whole world knows, and it seems pointless I guess.
I'd rather write in my diary again, you guys probably don't remember but throughout the winter I kept a journal. A leather back beautiful journal. It holds all my winter and fall secrets. How I felt before and a little after new years. It's sitting close to me, yet I'm afraid to read it. I'm afraid to look back on what I felt then, and reminiscent...very awkward times and situations. There were a lot, but also some of my favorite times ever.

I don't regret anything, none of the anger I might have jotted down here and there, none of the mistakes or frustrations. Although I think none of it as a mistake, but things that happened. No, I'm not talking about anyone or anything in particular. There were many changes around that time period. So writing in that journal really was emotional, I'm afraid that if I read it again, I'll remember all of it just as it was and just think of myself as pathetic. You write things sometimes not suspecting psychotic words and outbursts, you think of it as just a journal entry. Getting feelings out, but then when you look back on it, it's like the devil and god were raging inside of me. (Can you guess what album title I got that from? Haha)
I will quote an appropriate lyric from Bright Eyes;
"Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is."

I can relate to this a lot. A lot of things I think of, write, talk about, how I feel about someone is so drastic, so blown up. Things you should or shouldn't have acted on.
By the morning, my mind is peaceful again and sometimes I feel a little melodramatic.
It's interesting, the phases of your mind, a psychology thing really.
It just changes, SO much and so frequently but at the same time...
it never changes at all.

This summer seems depressing, friends are leaving for college, and one has already left.
Many of them are just...leaving.
I feel as if I'll be forgotten. They will all enter this new world, of new people and lifestyle.
While I'm "Just that girl I used to know back in my hometown."
Still stuck here, while it's a nice place it is. It's really a wonderful place to live and we take it for granted.
But at the same time, I'd like to get out too. I feel like I never will.


So much for quitting the blog-life.
I'm a hypocrite, don't you just love me?