"I just wanted to be loved," she said "something that i've never had"

diary, the top drawer
your mother wished she'd never seen
I just wanted to be loved she said. It's something that I never had
call him at 3 am, wishing to be reassured
he'd love to..
of course he would, anything to get you in bed
goodnight she said
i'm gonna start a revolution
& you can be the star of it
It's in my head
footprints, & fallen Leaves
these are the kind of things lovers think of
backseats and motels
these are the places that they've been
you want none of these things
these are the kind of things that make us weak
there went the world
..just one girl

people you've been before, that you you don't want around anymore.

this whole time it's been you who has made me hate myself more than i have before.
what ever made it okay to treat someone that way?

and the sad part is, even if you knew every detail.. you wouldn't have a care in the world about it, or me.

I can't believe I'm actually stooping this low and actually taking my time to blog about this.
I'm just so pissed off at this point, I really want to.
At least I'm not going to be a pussy and make a cute little clever nickname for you, I'll just say Terry and skip the asshole part of all that. Seriously, you call your 'friends' the most awful names. Art fatty, Doormatt, Fatjack and Fatso? And Coonbitch, someone you say you really like. You're pathetic.
Well Terry, I noticed in your last blog you expected someone to make an enraged response blog to the juvenile things you write. At first, I was like well that will not be me, I don't care enough to do that. I mean, everyone knows your blogs are one of the most douche bag blogs out there. You're like a local Perez Hilton, I think. At least his excuse is being a faggot, you're just a coward.
Listen, I don't really give a shit that you call me a whore and this and that in your blogs, because if people are smart enough they wont take your sad blogs to heart. But when you go around telling people I sucked Matt's dick, that's when I really get pissed. Whether something like that is true or not (which it isn't, if it was, this blog wouldn't exist) who are you to go around and tell people about it? How will that make you any better, how will it make you happier, how will it do you any good? And what in the world did I do to you anyways? Aw, could it be that you're sad I never sucked your cock and was your fuck buddy like you wanted while you were still dating 'CoonBitch'? Yeah, sure, it was during the end of your relationship with her and you guys were having problems, but it's still a bullshit thing to do, and I'd never want to get with you anyways. Fucking get over it, if that's why you're being the way you are. You have no reason to be such an asshole to me and say absurd stupid things about me, and go out of your way to make me sound like a whore to other people. My life is none of your business. You keep my name out of your fucking mouth, and I'd be more than happy to do the same. Sure I did hook up with Matt, yes I was drunk, and in a really emotional state of mind that night but it didn't go that far. Maybe you expect me to do something like that, I don't know. You're fucking sick, man. Grow up, and the only reason I'm blogging about this is because I never want to have to talk about this again, or you for that matter. Really, what happened to you? I mean you've always been an asshole but it's like you're so much worse now. So after I post this, it will be off my chest. Hmm what else should I say before I'm off. I guess just fuck off and die.

i'm so excited for tuesday,
i'm so excited for TUESDAY!



;]!







and wednesday and thursday,
and september.


only those specifically.
here's to all you other days: fuck you!




though to say we got much hope
if i am lost it's only for a little while.

i am the living ghost of what you need

I was told recently my breathing speeds up when I sleep.
That must be why it's always hard for me to wake up.


Warped Tour was really fun, I didn't expect my presence there this year ha.
Anna & I went with Gage & Terry. They invited Anna, and Anna would go if I went.
So I did. At least one of us was invited!
The weather was awkward, to say the least. Not my favorite bands, the line up wasn't too great but there were still some bands worth seeing. Oh, and JEFFREE STAR!
not the gross fat millionaires.

I totally crowd surfed. I almost fell but someone grabbed me by the string of my bikini.
That moment during Big D I just completely let loose, and just had the most amazing fun.
There were guys there that were just so nice and danced with me as if they've known me for forever, and girls that held my hands and spun me around like I was their best friend.
It was adorable, really.
The way back was long, we stopped at an Olive Garden but I didn't eat cause I wanted to put in my share for gas, it's the least I could do. At least Anna could eat, Gage would pay for her half of gas.
ha.
Whatever, anyways I got really emotional on the way back, half of the reason because I was really tired and that's when I get all psycho bitch, and teary. blech.
Also just because everything seems so different now, you seem different. It's not like it used to be, all the cute stuff is gone, and it's just not the same. I know people change and I understand, I know I'm a hard person to stay that way with for more than a week. It's just sad, knowing everything really is over, this is it. This is really it, isn't it.
It's the end. You're different, done with me and it showed more than ever yesterday by the way you looked at me.
I don't know what is next in any direction for me. People think there are so many options like it's just so easy but they don't understand fully. I don't understand fully myself. I just don't see anything at all.

And for guys, who will ever want me really. There is always going to be some girl in their past that they will contrast to me and she will always be better. There will always be something that I can't do that she does, or did. I just need to stop hating myself after all this time. Sometimes I am positive and believe I do have something to offer to someone in this world. God, why do I sound so fucking emo? Gross.

As for you though. You are so oddly nice to me, and we barely know eachother.
I don't know what to think of you, I've known you, or known of you for quite sometime and it's like now, I see how great you are. You're just so.... nice. : )


Desiree is really GREAT

and when you go to sleep at night, don't you ever feel the weight of all the things that make you happy?

my hopes are too high, usually for everything.
the more i get let down, the more i want to prove those things wrong.
i'm just a stupid girl, i think.









i hope everyone enjoys the rest of this summer and so on.
i don't even know what to think of it.
i dont know what to think of anything anymore, more-so i don't know what to think of anyone anymore.

bodysnatchers

bahghfdioho.
what did i do.

i'm not your friend.
i'm not your lover.
i'm not your family.

so pathetic.
this seems like such a waste.
it's clear to me now.

atlanta, it was fun.
according to terry, my clothing is tacky and my music taste is atrocious.
hah, awesome.
liking SWEET bands like Hinder is much cooler.

I am cleaning my room, it's working and it actually looks decent.
my sleeping schedule is off, and on.
Madi came with me to ATL last night.
we watched a variety of movies I have.
Wicker Park, Requiem for a dream, Phantom of the Opera
then watched Scream and Scream II at the hotel, haha.
The most idiotic scary movie, ironically it was shown on TBS. (they only play funny things)
I'm not getting along with my dad, at all. I want to get away from him. He's irrational and frustrating.
It sucks when you are too mature to live with your parents rules, but too immature to live alone.
I had a dream last night that I had a baby, and it was so weird. In 'dream world' I wonder what it's trying to tell me. I felt all these motherly instincts though, and it didn't feel weird or wrong.
I woke up so glad I didn't have a child, but secretly I sort of missed the feeling of being a mom.
I'd so be a MILF.

I had a deep thought today. I wonder if animals, like cats or dogs, have deep thoughts. Do they think for hours on one thing and dig into it? Would we ever know if they did? They must be curious about so much.

what's the plan for tomorrow? I don't know. But hopefully it involves sun, and I need to pick out a weather appropriate outfit. (tacky I must remind you) that's just how i do.