twenty-one

Here I am, completely restless. I've slept absolutely perfectly the whole entire weekend, and of course the one night where I have to wake up early insomnia strikes. So I am doing what helps the most in situations like these, and that is to write. Anything.
First off, I'd like to say I've grown pretty fond over a show on Netflix that I started to watch. Finished the whole season in a week, don't know how. It's called "Orange is the New Black". It's a Netflix original, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. But I found that I was very attached to it, and also Jason Biggs is in it making it that much better.
This weekend seemed pretty short. I managed to get a lot done though which has taken a lot off of my plate. Majorly, that would be just me cleaning my whole entire room. Yes. For those of you who don't believe me, then, fuck off. Come see it yourself. I had two trash bags full of junk that I just didn't need anymore. All of my clothes were put away, the floor was swept, I even found space to lay my yoga mat. So now every morning I have no excuse to why I can't do a couple sun salutations in the morning. It's my dream room basically, now. I put on facebook days ago that I was changing for the better, and this is part of the start. Next I need to tackle my car, and cleaning that. Which I still seem to keep putting off. I did clean it out somewhat last week but it's still not how I wanted it. Once I can cross that off my list, I will know I really have changed.
I have rekindled friendships with people I haven't spoken to in a while as well, and as we all know that can be one of the nicest feelings.

On Thursday, I finally turn 21. It's weird, it's not even a big deal and yet it still hasn't hit me. I feel like it's one of those weird ages we used to always dream of as young teenagers and envy those who were of age. Always felt like it was never coming. But it is. And it's now. What does it really even mean? I can drink, yeah, but....am I really an adult now? How can age determine who you really are. Why does America get to tell me that I can handle my liquor in a few days from now better than I have been since I started? Or that I am finally ready to be independent, no longer needing the help from any type of guardians. I've been on my own for a while now, age never had anything to do with it. This country turns time into such an illusion, painting a picture in our heads that we need to follow a guideline to meet human standards. Everyone is different though, we don't have a timer waiting to go off.
This tangent has gone way too far, I didn't mean to write on this for more than 2-3 sentences. If I don't stop talking about it now, I never will. And I know I didn't convey at all how I feel about the matter, my mind isn't working too well tonight.
I don't want to give off the wrong impression either, because yes, I am excited for my birthday.
The last two weren't all that great and I'm hoping that since I'll be with everyone I could possibly want to be with, it couldn't go wrong at all. Even if I were just spending it with them doing nothing at all, in no place important at all.
Just gotta get through three days of work first. It's not even the work that bothers me, more so just the management.


well this is working. I'm getting tired, so I guess I can call it a night then. This blog post royally sucks.







fuuuuuck

"She Let Go"

A beautiful poem that always keeps me positive and reminds me to not over think things too much. To stop trying to plan out every part of my life, because I really need to let go sometimes.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

welcome, ghosts.

This is me welcoming myself back. I have tried writing other blogs a couple times since I've last written in here and it just never worked out. Now, I may have two thoughts as to why that is:

1. People don't go on here anymore so there's really no point in updating phantom subscribers.
2. I feel a lack of connection to new blogs I write. They die out, they are unfamiliar. 

I choose number two. I really didn't want to start blogging from scratch really, finding a layout that worked, finding a new blog name....no. This works just fine for me. I think I like how it's aged in the only way cyber journaling can age. There is no dust, there's no old coffee stains on half empty scribbled out pages. Yet, it still holds this feel that probably only I can sense. It's an energy that scans through each bone, making me remember bits and pieces of who I was over two years ago and how I thought. 

I thought I was such a complex girl, and that if I could show it in mind puzzling journal entries, that the mind of one boy would put the puzzle together and he'd finally understand me. And when he'd understand me, inevitably, he would fall in love with me. Because who wouldn't love a troubled seventeen year old girl who holds nothing but love obsessed sorrow in her wide quivering eyes? But it was never what I wrote that kept him coming back, it was my legs that he read from ankles to thighs, like a murder mystery but never waited long enough to see the plot twist. 

Oh but how life has changed since those awful blinding years. Too much to even get into really. Maybe it's not as much as I think it is, but it's definitely more than I have energy for. 

Let's sum up my life ever since...

savannah

yoga

cat

coffee

tea

roommates

one night stands

shitty musician romances

alcohol

a lot of alcohol

awful boss

more yoga

yoga certification

music

ekgs

charleston

finally, a healthy relationship

Nothing in this list ACTUALLY matters much, other than yoga music and that healthy relationship. 

Doing yoga has been one of the best changes i've ever made for myself. It's actually something I can really say I'm passionate about as a career, I just want to teach everything about it, spread the word about how much it can benefit from others lives like it has in mine. I'm a girl who couldn't go a day without having an anxiety attack, I worried about mostly everything. I thought so negatively and thought nothing/no one had any purpose. Of course one who thinks this way will be sad, naturally. I can't get into it, but not just the physical changes of yoga but the philosophical lessons it has brought to me took me out of the funk I've always been in and I could finally feel peace. Now I rarely ever have an anxiety attack, I feel much better about myself, and I finally feel like I just may have some sort of purpose. Yoga is my ticket out of here, wherever I end up living in my life I can always take it with me. I never stop learning either, and I will keep learning more about it for the rest of my life. I can really breathe again, even through the torturing humidity that feels like you are breathing in a gallon of water as your nose sips it all in. 

Also, I'm relieved to say I'm done with all the tiring bad dates, with the tiring bad men. You always hear people say when you fall in love, it's going to be with your best friend. And I always used to think that was a hoax, I mean, I've always loved my best friends. I couldn't see myself loving them more, in THAT sort of way. It seemed odd. But in reality- it couldn't be more of a natural feeling. There are no hurtful secrets, there are no second guessing. While it's the most pleasurably relaxing feeling, it can also be the most terrifying. Mostly because they are usually the last person you'd want to lose now, in many more ways than any other relationships. I know it's worth the risk though, because nothing has ever felt more right to me in my life. It's like changing your diet from standard to organic. Everything tasted good before but you always felt bad afterwards and never really understood why. Then, you switch to something more pure, not masked behind fake ingredients you have never heard of before to fool you into thinking it's what you want. You keep up with the organic nourishment, and the whites of your eyes brighten, your skin starts glowing, and you find yourself growing less tired and held down. You're finally healthy, and your mouth has never tasted anything so sweet before. 

That's how he's been effecting me.

That's all for tonight. I'll leave with a suiting song and lyrics below it. 

Cheerio.

Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel)-I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me
I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always tenderly
But darling, most of all 
I love how you love me
I love how your eyes close
Each time that you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me