everyday is getting worse.
the more i think about certain things, upsets me.
and as the days go by and i'm still with no use of transportation,
it gets harder.
i took having my car around for granted.
it wasnt a great car. the dashboard lights didnt work at night, the brakes were terrible, it would shake horrendously after about 50 mph, things didn't work.
but i always loved it, just never saw myself without it.
now i am, and it's so hard.
to top it off, it has to rain and look extremely gloomy today, it rained yesterday too.
what a joyous view. i ran this morning, and it started raining.
i quickly tucked my ipod into my semi-short cotton polka dot shorts. just so it wouldn't get soaked, and i headed back to 'home'.
i had plans to go to the movies today, but couldnt because my ride wasn't able to come.
then desiree and madi were going at 7, but...
i stayed here.
ha.
the movie wasnt even playing anyways.
my father doesnt seem to care either. he keeps putting off things i need to do and get done.
i've already started school, so i'm taking care as many things for myself as i can.
i need a car to get a job.
and to start having a life again.
leave at night, and go hang out with my friends.
which i do still, once in a while.
this weekend someone is coming down from college for labor day weekend, i think.
that's really one of the only things that keeps my spirits up right now, it will be a really great weekend.
i've been really getting interested in the war between the jews and the natzis, i guess world war II.
i've been watching movies on them today, like the concentration camps and stuff.
i finished a really great movie called "The boy in the striped pajamas"
it was really interesting, and i read the book before a while ago, the movie came out in 2008.
it's a really sad ending.
i also watched a movie, or mini-series called "holocaust" with a young meryl streep, in 1978.
i havent finished that one yet however.
it's very long.
well, i figured i had more to blog about.
the truth is, i do. but if i keep blogging about it, i will never stop. so that's that. i'm getting over it.
ciao.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
hearts & karma
I was so excited for today that I could barely sleep last night.
I wake up and get ready to get my hair done at 11:30.
i call my father and ask him where he is, and he's like, uhhhh. sorry i had to go do rounds at the nursing home, i'll call Paul and see if he can take you. (his office manager)
turns out he cant either, so the appointment was canceled and moved to 1:45.
so my dad comes home and drops me off at the hair salon.
I was very pleased with the hair dressers work.
I wait outside, it starts pouring.
I call him for the 43543578th time, and finally he answers.
he takes about 20 minutes to show up, because he forgot to pick me up.
we were supposed to look at the car lot afterwards, but his girlfriend is now almost at the house and he tells me to wait another day. I didn't make a big deal out of this, I just told him I was disappointed because he told me from the start of the week that this was the day we'd go. (by the way, i'm not spoiled. he's making me make the payments on the car and i'm fine with that. just need a way to get around!)
he then starts complaining and complaining about my 'flaws' in the car and makes me feel like shit. he said i don't know what responsibility is. the truth is, i really do. before i moved here i had tons of responsibility, and even here. i do a lot of things and chores around the house because he doesn't get home until clearly midnight. he tells me, that i'm spoiled and ungrateful. which i also don't think is quite true when he doesnt really hand that much to me, i have to steal one of his 8 ipods because he won't let me borrow one of his. and half the time when friends and i go out to eat, someone has to pay for me. he labels me all these horrible things all in 10 minutes when he has no right to because he doesn't even know me. nonetheless, try to know me.
I told him all I wanted was for him to show me more affection, and instead of yelling at me all the time. all he did was suck his teeth and roll his eyes and mock me.
he starts asking, why are you so depressed and difficult, i can't handle this anymore. you tick me off. you havent been taking your medicine have you?
i say, no.
why?
well, because, i can't go to my appointments and get a prescription for refills because i can't rely on you or anyone else to take me.
he then tells me that once again that is my fault. which ultimately i guess it is, but it's still hard to do these things when no one can help me out.
he picks on me more, i start to cry. we are almost at home.
he tells me, oh god. stop crying like a two year old. go upstairs when we get home, i don't want you to embarrass me in front of Marlene. (His beloved girlfriend)
The thing was, crying like a two year old I imagine a temper tantrum. tears were barely coming out of my eyes, and I was silent. But maybe he is around unique toddlers.
I hear marlene come in the door, me upstairs. I hear a change of mood even in his voice. he's laughing, they're kissing. he seems happy. something he could never be with me.
today was a fail, and a let down.
i can blame this all on him, but i think in general, it's just me who i should blame.
I wake up and get ready to get my hair done at 11:30.
i call my father and ask him where he is, and he's like, uhhhh. sorry i had to go do rounds at the nursing home, i'll call Paul and see if he can take you. (his office manager)
turns out he cant either, so the appointment was canceled and moved to 1:45.
so my dad comes home and drops me off at the hair salon.
I was very pleased with the hair dressers work.
I wait outside, it starts pouring.
I call him for the 43543578th time, and finally he answers.
he takes about 20 minutes to show up, because he forgot to pick me up.
we were supposed to look at the car lot afterwards, but his girlfriend is now almost at the house and he tells me to wait another day. I didn't make a big deal out of this, I just told him I was disappointed because he told me from the start of the week that this was the day we'd go. (by the way, i'm not spoiled. he's making me make the payments on the car and i'm fine with that. just need a way to get around!)
he then starts complaining and complaining about my 'flaws' in the car and makes me feel like shit. he said i don't know what responsibility is. the truth is, i really do. before i moved here i had tons of responsibility, and even here. i do a lot of things and chores around the house because he doesn't get home until clearly midnight. he tells me, that i'm spoiled and ungrateful. which i also don't think is quite true when he doesnt really hand that much to me, i have to steal one of his 8 ipods because he won't let me borrow one of his. and half the time when friends and i go out to eat, someone has to pay for me. he labels me all these horrible things all in 10 minutes when he has no right to because he doesn't even know me. nonetheless, try to know me.
I told him all I wanted was for him to show me more affection, and instead of yelling at me all the time. all he did was suck his teeth and roll his eyes and mock me.
he starts asking, why are you so depressed and difficult, i can't handle this anymore. you tick me off. you havent been taking your medicine have you?
i say, no.
why?
well, because, i can't go to my appointments and get a prescription for refills because i can't rely on you or anyone else to take me.
he then tells me that once again that is my fault. which ultimately i guess it is, but it's still hard to do these things when no one can help me out.
he picks on me more, i start to cry. we are almost at home.
he tells me, oh god. stop crying like a two year old. go upstairs when we get home, i don't want you to embarrass me in front of Marlene. (His beloved girlfriend)
The thing was, crying like a two year old I imagine a temper tantrum. tears were barely coming out of my eyes, and I was silent. But maybe he is around unique toddlers.
I hear marlene come in the door, me upstairs. I hear a change of mood even in his voice. he's laughing, they're kissing. he seems happy. something he could never be with me.
today was a fail, and a let down.
i can blame this all on him, but i think in general, it's just me who i should blame.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
a long blog worth reading.
so here I am, sitting on my floor listening to explosions in the sky.
first beath after coma.
memories come rushing to me now.
9th grade. the year of being so young but so much more willing.
the year of nothing being important, filling coke bottles with kahlua to replace the emptiness.
i remember, sitting in history class. drunk. listening to my ipod with a friend, zoe.
listening to explosions in the sky, (as i'm hearing now) and taking in every string, every portrayed beat and note flowing through my ears like an orgasmic symphony.
Listening, more-so watching, the teachers empty mouth move up and down side to side, slowly. then lookin down at the hundreds of notebook paper sheets I had doodled on.
Mushroom houses, Moons blowing stars, swirls and lyrics. Arrows and the designs you'd most likely see on a clowns face. yep, that was me alright.
I had my first hardcore crush then. Lucas Pate. The senior boy, the boy who talked to me and had interests in little ol' me. Lover of Job for a Cowboy, Norma Jean, music I never really liked. Lover of music that I either loved or hated. Lets copy and paste the list of music he likes from his myspace page, shall we?
"knights of the abyss, the black dahlia murder, job for a cowboy, my bitter end, haste the day, chiodos, through the eyes of the dead, the bastille, bring me the horizon, the number twelve looks like you, cannibal corpse, cartel, suicide silence, the black acadia mourning, senses fail, black flag, evergreen terrace, bo bo stompers, all shall perish, chevy chase stabbed the king, the prodigy, the damascus intervention, aphex twin, the ramones, the clash, the knife trade"
we shared interests for, what he'd call 'our song', Lazy Eye. By silversun pickups. Somehow this song will always somewhat remind me of him.
we both liked V for Vendetta, Mallrats, and Office Space. Random Movies.
He was so weird, boy was he a weird one. Why else would i like him so much?
i'd look for any excuse just to see him. if i had to skip a class, hell, i'd do it in a heart beat to sit outside of the nearby furniture store with him, for that hour and a half to talk and look at eachother and smile.
we'd do this a lot.
he texted me, i texted him, so much.
I was close to falling in love with him, when one day, I found out he had a new girlfriend.
I was so hurt and shut down. He continued to taunt me. 'she's not like you melanie.' 'you've got so much potential' 'i'm not good enough' 'you understand me'
i figured if he could say all this, and flirt with me, act like nothings changed. then why not me?
was i pain to his eyes?
they broke up.
he came crawling back to me, the managers at the furniture store noticed our return. we got too attached, the year was coming to an end. we started not talking as much, and once again, he found someone new. while i was crushed again, i started forgetting him. he still wouldn't fail to get me out of his vision. he kept me around somehow. i'd still be so into him, he had a small shitty apartment by then, this must have been the beginning of tenth grade. I stole 20 dollars from my hardworking mother, making little money to make sure we had a roof over our head. i stole that 20 dollars so that my ride could drive me out to his apartment instead of school, where i should have been. we layed on his couch all day. played Marble Blast Ultra all day, while his Ipod lay playing loudly. The aroma, I remember it well. It smelled strong of smoke, and marijuana.
never once, did i hook up with him. it was only kisses we shared. kisses that nearly killed me each time.
soon enough, i got enough of it. the weird ones always seem to screw me over, and thats the first time i really learned it.
his life started turning to shit seeing as he didn't go to college and stuck around beaufort. the last year there i spent not acknowledging him. ignoring all the inviting texts. I move here, Hilton Head. Meet people, and ones who made such an impact on me one can't explain. He see's me in town one day, see's how much I changed and is immediately immensely attracted to me. He starts texting again, stalking actually. I feel nothing for Lucas Pate at this time. For all my feelings were towards someone else, someone who mattered so much more.
I laughed at his pity attempts.
throughout my life, i've been around men who have screwed over so many women around me who i look up to and love. they screwed me over, as well. the more it happens the more i put myself down and believe less in someone actually good for me.
a guy who wants me around, wants to broadcast me to the world.
wants everything about me, craves me, everything about me. especially the imperfections that he is so fond of.
those men only exist in television, or those novels you read.
i'm begining to grasp it, it's all bullshit.
I know now that no one is right for me, no one i know anyhow. I don't feel like anyone truly wants me or respects me. no one i know now, anyhow. i'm always proven wrong and forever will be.
I used to be that girl though, you know?
the girl with high hopes and fantasies of him and that life i could have.
care free and looked up at the sky in awe.
where did she go, who is this person typing right now?
a part of me really wants her back
another part of me is glad she's dead.
this is probably my head lacking an insane amount of sleep talking.
tomorrow i'll read this, and say.
i'm fine, really.
do me a favor if you do read this. don't analyze it much, okay?
I'm going to say it ahead of time, I know I'm more than likely just rambling away.
all because of this damn explosions song.
Monday, August 24, 2009
she's gone, she's gone, 'cross the border man. and you're never gonna see her again..
would it be weird,
and a little bad,
if i said i might have secretly, just a little bit, hoped for the same thing too?
and a little bad,
if i said i might have secretly, just a little bit, hoped for the same thing too?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I'm watching that 70's show.
It's one of those shows where after something funny is said or done, they add in a fake amplified sound of a crowd laughing, and clapping.
It makes me think so much. I wonder who was recorded to make those laughing noises. I wonder what guy that works with these shows, decides when and where to add the laughing noises and which laughing clip would be most appropriate for the joke.
it's all so confusing, it takes so much thought and effort for that 'laughing' noise. sometimes they even make 'awwww' noises.
but this is on a set. those people are not there laughing this hysterically at the show.
even so, i doubt, they would laugh that loud at every continuously said line.
it bothers me so much. Just dont add in those clips, the show would be just as great without them.
now I can't even concentrate on the show because I'm so focused at everyone's individual laughs.
some sound like men, some times i can pick out a high-pitched woman.
ugh, hey. someone should turn this blog entry into a drinking game. everytime it reads the word 'laugh' take a shot.
you will get shitfaced.
because I know I overused the word laugh.
I didn't bother to search for more synonyms of the word, I honestly just don't care.
I'll say laugh as much as I please to get my point across.
Now, I'm going to bed.
I'm tired and stuff.
Night.
It's one of those shows where after something funny is said or done, they add in a fake amplified sound of a crowd laughing, and clapping.
It makes me think so much. I wonder who was recorded to make those laughing noises. I wonder what guy that works with these shows, decides when and where to add the laughing noises and which laughing clip would be most appropriate for the joke.
it's all so confusing, it takes so much thought and effort for that 'laughing' noise. sometimes they even make 'awwww' noises.
but this is on a set. those people are not there laughing this hysterically at the show.
even so, i doubt, they would laugh that loud at every continuously said line.
it bothers me so much. Just dont add in those clips, the show would be just as great without them.
now I can't even concentrate on the show because I'm so focused at everyone's individual laughs.
some sound like men, some times i can pick out a high-pitched woman.
ugh, hey. someone should turn this blog entry into a drinking game. everytime it reads the word 'laugh' take a shot.
you will get shitfaced.
because I know I overused the word laugh.
I didn't bother to search for more synonyms of the word, I honestly just don't care.
I'll say laugh as much as I please to get my point across.
Now, I'm going to bed.
I'm tired and stuff.
Night.
I am favoring the Highly Refined Pirates album of MTB's.
I love and have always loved them all of course, but now, ahhh.
things are falling into place, slowly.
Patching up the pieces.
Although I miss a select few people who have vanished off this island to start a life,
I'm coming to reality that they are gone.
nothing I can do about it, or anyone else.
I had such a fun day today at Jarvis.
the only time that park used to exist to me was during 'grillins' or 'milk challenges'
it was weird being there without the usual people, but SO much fun.
I love apples to apples, such a cute interesting game.
I have came to a conclusion that my nose is abnormally large.
Am I okay with this? eh, not quite. But, why stress over it? It's just really big, that's all.
I mean, it's a nose. it's not like they are supposed to have one specific look right?
ugh, why is everything on my face enlarged. except no long lashes or interesting eyebrows. all of the parts that don't stand out. I mean people tell me it's good that my eyes and my lips are kinda big, but I am sort of self conscious about my eyes for some reason, and i dont really think my lips are that big..
whatever, I wasn't trying to complain. I just realized. my nose is big.
I've been told that a jeep cherokee would fit me best.
I would love one of those, but then again I'm not picky at all.
A motorized shopping cart sounds good to me right now. I just want to get places.
My car was the one outlet out of here, and it made things a little better for me.
Now that's gone as well as so many people.
Together, it's just a shitty combo. I'm so lucky to have the friends I have though.
We may not agree with most things or have things in common, but they care about me.
That's all that matters to me, and we can be ourselves around eachother.
I love them all.
What point is this blog trying to make?
I don't know.
none at all, I don't want a point to be made.
I was thinking about all these hipsters lately in these cool, urban-y clothes that look like they wouldn't cost a lot. Almost like they want to look cheap, and simple.
But they pay so much money for the things they wear. It costs a lot...well to look cheap.
not that it's 'cheap' looking like a 5th avenue hooker.
But, something cute from a thrift shop. 9 out 0f 10 times it's usually more expensive then any thrift shop.
I will always love Urban Outfitters though.
And I like thrift shops, I need to go to one soon. I even like consignment shops.
They hold interesting vintage clothing items that people probably thought have came out of style.
I love and have always loved them all of course, but now, ahhh.
things are falling into place, slowly.
Patching up the pieces.
Although I miss a select few people who have vanished off this island to start a life,
I'm coming to reality that they are gone.
nothing I can do about it, or anyone else.
I had such a fun day today at Jarvis.
the only time that park used to exist to me was during 'grillins' or 'milk challenges'
it was weird being there without the usual people, but SO much fun.
I love apples to apples, such a cute interesting game.
I have came to a conclusion that my nose is abnormally large.
Am I okay with this? eh, not quite. But, why stress over it? It's just really big, that's all.
I mean, it's a nose. it's not like they are supposed to have one specific look right?
ugh, why is everything on my face enlarged. except no long lashes or interesting eyebrows. all of the parts that don't stand out. I mean people tell me it's good that my eyes and my lips are kinda big, but I am sort of self conscious about my eyes for some reason, and i dont really think my lips are that big..
whatever, I wasn't trying to complain. I just realized. my nose is big.
I've been told that a jeep cherokee would fit me best.
I would love one of those, but then again I'm not picky at all.
A motorized shopping cart sounds good to me right now. I just want to get places.
My car was the one outlet out of here, and it made things a little better for me.
Now that's gone as well as so many people.
Together, it's just a shitty combo. I'm so lucky to have the friends I have though.
We may not agree with most things or have things in common, but they care about me.
That's all that matters to me, and we can be ourselves around eachother.
I love them all.
What point is this blog trying to make?
I don't know.
none at all, I don't want a point to be made.
I was thinking about all these hipsters lately in these cool, urban-y clothes that look like they wouldn't cost a lot. Almost like they want to look cheap, and simple.
But they pay so much money for the things they wear. It costs a lot...well to look cheap.
not that it's 'cheap' looking like a 5th avenue hooker.
But, something cute from a thrift shop. 9 out 0f 10 times it's usually more expensive then any thrift shop.
I will always love Urban Outfitters though.
And I like thrift shops, I need to go to one soon. I even like consignment shops.
They hold interesting vintage clothing items that people probably thought have came out of style.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
guilty pleasure lately:
[not so guilty]- listening to a mix of songs on itunes and as each word is sang, i type them out in the 'lyrics' box, as i hear them.
|yay, it's thundering. right when I decide to take a nap. not the loud and obnoxious kind either, the soothing thunder. but, naps can be so much better.
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i've gotta deal with things
[not so guilty]- listening to a mix of songs on itunes and as each word is sang, i type them out in the 'lyrics' box, as i hear them.
|yay, it's thundering. right when I decide to take a nap. not the loud and obnoxious kind either, the soothing thunder. but, naps can be so much better.
bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i've gotta deal with things
Friday, August 21, 2009
but ya gotta yell something out you'd never tell nobody.
I said this before, but I deleted it.
I hate this blog. Such a mess, I don't like looking at it. Don't like the site.
It marks so many different awkward points of this one year.
that's now gone and shoveled in the ground.
that's all this blog really covers, just a pathetic little year which makes it sound like forever.
but this year seemed like it went by shorter than typing any one of these blog entries.
Today, is a shitty day.
Don't know why, I know a lot of triggers. I've just had no sleep, seen people leave, said goodbyes
and all in all just felt empty and melancholy while exasperated. today when taylor came over, we did a bit of nothing while a tad of everything. there were some points where I just felt great, laughed and things related to that. We had fun, and then she left and I slept again.
Now I feel a little better.
I think all I needed was a shitload of sleep that I've been way overdue for. I'm catching up.
August 31st comes around the corner and I should be more busy and getting things done, I'll have my car (most and certainly hopeful about it :/)
and get back in the kick of things.
This blog is a prime example on why I don't like my 'BlogSpot' anymore.
All it does it capture every bit of my annoyances and troubles.
What would happen if an almost stranger came upon this, hoping to get to know me, and thinks I'm the most stupid depressing girl. I'm not, I promise, if however that 'stranger' would be reading any of this. I wish I new some more strangers, may that would effect me greatly. Maybe it would damage me.
I don't know how to handle things from now on, a part of myself almost feels like it's ran away from me.
Well, out of the house I go.
I need to.
So, I must get ready and leave!
I hate this blog. Such a mess, I don't like looking at it. Don't like the site.
It marks so many different awkward points of this one year.
that's now gone and shoveled in the ground.
that's all this blog really covers, just a pathetic little year which makes it sound like forever.
but this year seemed like it went by shorter than typing any one of these blog entries.
Today, is a shitty day.
Don't know why, I know a lot of triggers. I've just had no sleep, seen people leave, said goodbyes
and all in all just felt empty and melancholy while exasperated. today when taylor came over, we did a bit of nothing while a tad of everything. there were some points where I just felt great, laughed and things related to that. We had fun, and then she left and I slept again.
Now I feel a little better.
I think all I needed was a shitload of sleep that I've been way overdue for. I'm catching up.
August 31st comes around the corner and I should be more busy and getting things done, I'll have my car (most and certainly hopeful about it :/)
and get back in the kick of things.
This blog is a prime example on why I don't like my 'BlogSpot' anymore.
All it does it capture every bit of my annoyances and troubles.
What would happen if an almost stranger came upon this, hoping to get to know me, and thinks I'm the most stupid depressing girl. I'm not, I promise, if however that 'stranger' would be reading any of this. I wish I new some more strangers, may that would effect me greatly. Maybe it would damage me.
I don't know how to handle things from now on, a part of myself almost feels like it's ran away from me.
Well, out of the house I go.
I need to.
So, I must get ready and leave!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
it is a foreground
That's my sister Lacie, in her beautiful wedding dress. I love her so much, and I can't wait to go to Washington.
I've been constantly downloading so much music, I can't wait to endure my Ipod, during the times people usually listen to them.
I can't wait for my car so i can play it in there.
I downloaded the whole Grizzly Bear album, for some reason theres a few songs which really don't leave an impression on me.
I downloaded so many silversun pickups and yeah yeah yeah songs that I can't get enough of.
Downloaded numerous soundtracks and albums I've needed.
I love this!
Today is ....so boring.
Seriously, days are limited when you basically have no way of transportation.
the next few days are going to be full of storms. (at least that's what yahoo says) but who listens to the internet anyways? media these days can be so misleading.
I feel like going somewhere, doing something exciting. I mean, like taking a couple days for this 'exciting' trip. Anywhere really, anywhere that is considered 'different'.
actually, my mind is about as blank as ever right now, I really can't think of anything to blog right now.
I can't even think of a way to end thi
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
when we get together, it's always hot magic!
I'm finally doing it.
I'm finally going to blog about...
yes.
the school situation. something no one ever expects me to talk about, if you know me, you know i avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs.
now, it's not so uncomfortable.
I finally feel good about it.
I'm using this really convenient homeschooling program, Provost. It's basically online classes, you don't need a waiting list to enroll and I start August 31st. They send you a free laptop to do the work on.
This way, I can less anxiously get classes out of the way and hopefully finish this year off smoothly, and quickly so I can get started on my life.
we've been talking about this program for a while, I just didn't mention it because I was afraid that I'd talk it up and then find out I couldn't enroll, but I did, I'm enrolled!
I know that this is probably considered 'lame' in more than one person's book, but I'm getting it done all the same. Isn't that what matters?
I finally feel good about my future. I can...breathe now.
It's Wednesday. Is it just me or are the days going by more and more fast?
I can't stand it.
I hope I see you.
I was thinking more on 500 Days of Summer, I really enjoyed the filmography more than a lot of things in the movie. It was so well put together, and the shots and angles were perfect in some scenes. Some were so original and cute, it's like it's another eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Eh, I'd still separate those movies though seeing as there was way more of a catchy story line to eternal sunshine.
There was a storyline in 500 days too, just less of one. It was really really simple, just so beautiful. It shows a movie can take a simple story and make it into the most talked about picture of the year.
I'm finally going to blog about...
yes.
the school situation. something no one ever expects me to talk about, if you know me, you know i avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs.
now, it's not so uncomfortable.
I finally feel good about it.
I'm using this really convenient homeschooling program, Provost. It's basically online classes, you don't need a waiting list to enroll and I start August 31st. They send you a free laptop to do the work on.
This way, I can less anxiously get classes out of the way and hopefully finish this year off smoothly, and quickly so I can get started on my life.
we've been talking about this program for a while, I just didn't mention it because I was afraid that I'd talk it up and then find out I couldn't enroll, but I did, I'm enrolled!
I know that this is probably considered 'lame' in more than one person's book, but I'm getting it done all the same. Isn't that what matters?
I finally feel good about my future. I can...breathe now.
It's Wednesday. Is it just me or are the days going by more and more fast?
I can't stand it.
I hope I see you.
I was thinking more on 500 Days of Summer, I really enjoyed the filmography more than a lot of things in the movie. It was so well put together, and the shots and angles were perfect in some scenes. Some were so original and cute, it's like it's another eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Eh, I'd still separate those movies though seeing as there was way more of a catchy story line to eternal sunshine.
There was a storyline in 500 days too, just less of one. It was really really simple, just so beautiful. It shows a movie can take a simple story and make it into the most talked about picture of the year.
Monday, August 17, 2009
tonight we saw 500 Days of Summer.
It was a wonderful movie, I love how it ended with barely any predictability.
Zooey is so radiant.
Especially in the scene on the train, I love the way the sun hit her face.
Joseph, the main character (Tom) was cute, my friends thought he was adorable, but I didn't find him really that attractive.
Not saying he was bad looking, I was picturing a different look for his part though.
But hey, that's just me.
Tomorrow I will be interviewed. I've always won over interviews, every one I have ever been too. Yet only sometimes, do I go through with the job.
This time, I will (once I get my car that is).
I feel a lot of me has matured. I don't care much for gossip, the pointless kind of which I paid more attention to before. I don't believe it, don't spread it, don't give a damn.
If a friend tells me something now that they are confiding in me with, I've been very good at keeping it to myself and giving them the best advice I can. I've been trying harder around the house, doing mostly all the loads of dishes and doing laundry (my clothes, and the towels)
To be honest, I love doing laundry. Don't ask why, I just LOVE doing laundry. I find it relaxing and useful. I understand every element of it, as for before I didn't pay any attention.
Doing the dishes is almost the same, except more....ick. to me, at least. But I still somewhat enjoy getting it done, and looking forward to fresh, clean, as if it is new items. That goes for laundry, dishes, anything of the matter. I would like to be more independent, knowing this, I know there will always be a part of me sincerely DE-pendant. I can't say I'll ever be one of those women who can go years and years without a man in her life and be 100% perfectly fine and happy. I'd like to have the comfort of a man in my life, maybe not now but when necessary. All the while, I still aim to have most things going on my life completely on my own. As in, I in no way will be close to clingy.
I don't understand why some of the people you feel you care about most, hurt you the most.
is it just that we notice it more than the people who don't matter as much?
or do they know they count so much in our lives, they just do what they want not thinking twice on the damage?
Sometimes I think, how can they do such things.
Why put us in the situations they do. It's beyond me, I hope I never do that to somebody who cares about me dearly.
At the same time of course, even though they do things that make you mad, they are also just trying to help you.
I know it's only one, but I should sleep.
It was a wonderful movie, I love how it ended with barely any predictability.
Zooey is so radiant.
Especially in the scene on the train, I love the way the sun hit her face.
Joseph, the main character (Tom) was cute, my friends thought he was adorable, but I didn't find him really that attractive.
Not saying he was bad looking, I was picturing a different look for his part though.
But hey, that's just me.
Tomorrow I will be interviewed. I've always won over interviews, every one I have ever been too. Yet only sometimes, do I go through with the job.
This time, I will (once I get my car that is).
I feel a lot of me has matured. I don't care much for gossip, the pointless kind of which I paid more attention to before. I don't believe it, don't spread it, don't give a damn.
If a friend tells me something now that they are confiding in me with, I've been very good at keeping it to myself and giving them the best advice I can. I've been trying harder around the house, doing mostly all the loads of dishes and doing laundry (my clothes, and the towels)
To be honest, I love doing laundry. Don't ask why, I just LOVE doing laundry. I find it relaxing and useful. I understand every element of it, as for before I didn't pay any attention.
Doing the dishes is almost the same, except more....ick. to me, at least. But I still somewhat enjoy getting it done, and looking forward to fresh, clean, as if it is new items. That goes for laundry, dishes, anything of the matter. I would like to be more independent, knowing this, I know there will always be a part of me sincerely DE-pendant. I can't say I'll ever be one of those women who can go years and years without a man in her life and be 100% perfectly fine and happy. I'd like to have the comfort of a man in my life, maybe not now but when necessary. All the while, I still aim to have most things going on my life completely on my own. As in, I in no way will be close to clingy.
I don't understand why some of the people you feel you care about most, hurt you the most.
is it just that we notice it more than the people who don't matter as much?
or do they know they count so much in our lives, they just do what they want not thinking twice on the damage?
Sometimes I think, how can they do such things.
Why put us in the situations they do. It's beyond me, I hope I never do that to somebody who cares about me dearly.
At the same time of course, even though they do things that make you mad, they are also just trying to help you.
I know it's only one, but I should sleep.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
glide across the path like no one's watching, and if you hit traffic, honey, that's okay
i love listening to really really good music that you haven't listened to for years because you overplayed it, then completely forgot about it. then one day you listen and realize...how fucking great it is.
something huge might be going on right now, dare i speak of it now.
we bought a load of delicious groceries today, it's great.
finally got pants some new cat food, she's pretty excited about that...
this is sad, i can't think of anything to blog about but stupid things like cat food?
well, I guess now I'm blogging about blogging about cat food.
now i'm blogging about blogging about blogging about cat food.
now i'm....you can see where i'm going with this.
to be honest, i can think of one hundred and one things to blog about now, interesting worth-reading things.
but can you read it? no. some of it may be even far too personal for my diary.
especially for the people i know who read this.
which i have lost, by the way.
if it slips in the hands of someone else, that will be the life of me. there are things in there no one should read.
just my luck, eh?
i could never be a celebrity. my odds are, i'd have this really cool high-tech phone with really super hot nudes in them that i'm sending to michael cera (he sent his first...)
i'd lose it somewhere EXTREMELY public and soon enough it's all over perez hilton.
the whole world would see me naked. also the hacker would send out a mass text to all these celebrities saying... i'm secretly a man. like LADY GAGAGagagaggFGa
see that? .................^?
that was me spazzing again. I meant to type "LADY GAGA" but my fingers spazzed out and typed a billion more g's & a's. and an...."F"?
there is now a slutty birtney spears poster on my door that used to be in alex's room. she's wearing booty shorts and one of those shirts that are so short, in length, it stops after your boobs.
who the fuck named boobs, boobs. doesnt that sound like a joke? BOOOOOBS like... really? how do you get boobs from breasts? who decided that was going to be what people called them
same with pussy. did someone look at their cat one day and be like, i think i want you to be the same name as a vagina. it just doesnt make sense to me. and...a COCK? do roosters really look like dicks? I mean, what the fuck, instead of cock why didn't they just call it like a catepillar or a...slug or something. i don't know.
damnit, people are weird.
my. hair. smells. so good.
new shampoo, AUZZZZZZZZIE. it's a frizz decreaser, so my hair's actually more smooth and soft : ) oh boy, do i love hair. hair, hair hair! i'm getting a trim in a few days to make my hair even MORE healthy.
i'm just kidding, hair is a stupid pointless disguise.
it hides what people really look like
i promise you, if everyone was born without hair, even their faces would look different.
it would be so weird.
imagine those girls who wear a shit load of orange makeup, what if they woke up with a head shiny and bald. their scalp would be all white and their face would be all colorful and clown like! hahahahhahahahah, that would be a funny sight, fuck hair.
i want to watch matilda.
or s&tc
or.........................................
one night in paris
something huge might be going on right now, dare i speak of it now.
we bought a load of delicious groceries today, it's great.
finally got pants some new cat food, she's pretty excited about that...
this is sad, i can't think of anything to blog about but stupid things like cat food?
well, I guess now I'm blogging about blogging about cat food.
now i'm blogging about blogging about blogging about cat food.
now i'm....you can see where i'm going with this.
to be honest, i can think of one hundred and one things to blog about now, interesting worth-reading things.
but can you read it? no. some of it may be even far too personal for my diary.
especially for the people i know who read this.
which i have lost, by the way.
if it slips in the hands of someone else, that will be the life of me. there are things in there no one should read.
just my luck, eh?
i could never be a celebrity. my odds are, i'd have this really cool high-tech phone with really super hot nudes in them that i'm sending to michael cera (he sent his first...)
i'd lose it somewhere EXTREMELY public and soon enough it's all over perez hilton.
the whole world would see me naked. also the hacker would send out a mass text to all these celebrities saying... i'm secretly a man. like LADY GAGAGagagaggFGa
see that? .................^?
that was me spazzing again. I meant to type "LADY GAGA" but my fingers spazzed out and typed a billion more g's & a's. and an...."F"?
there is now a slutty birtney spears poster on my door that used to be in alex's room. she's wearing booty shorts and one of those shirts that are so short, in length, it stops after your boobs.
who the fuck named boobs, boobs. doesnt that sound like a joke? BOOOOOBS like... really? how do you get boobs from breasts? who decided that was going to be what people called them
same with pussy. did someone look at their cat one day and be like, i think i want you to be the same name as a vagina. it just doesnt make sense to me. and...a COCK? do roosters really look like dicks? I mean, what the fuck, instead of cock why didn't they just call it like a catepillar or a...slug or something. i don't know.
damnit, people are weird.
my. hair. smells. so good.
new shampoo, AUZZZZZZZZIE. it's a frizz decreaser, so my hair's actually more smooth and soft : ) oh boy, do i love hair. hair, hair hair! i'm getting a trim in a few days to make my hair even MORE healthy.
i'm just kidding, hair is a stupid pointless disguise.
it hides what people really look like
i promise you, if everyone was born without hair, even their faces would look different.
it would be so weird.
imagine those girls who wear a shit load of orange makeup, what if they woke up with a head shiny and bald. their scalp would be all white and their face would be all colorful and clown like! hahahahhahahahah, that would be a funny sight, fuck hair.
i want to watch matilda.
or s&tc
or.........................................
one night in paris
Saturday, August 15, 2009
We are nothing more than the stories we have to tell
mmm, cold chinese food from the night before : ) always better than before
delish.
today was neat, i went to the mall with anna, my sister, & mi madre.
I had to go with them to pick out a bridesmaid dress. I found one, it's long & black but it's surprisingly not bad. it makes my breasts look voluptuous ;]
hahaha. ick.
I wish desiree came with us!
actually, the whole day i was immensely tired. I wasn't in the mood for any type of shopping.
the last couple days have been pretty 'blah' to say the least. everything is becoming more and more realistic. it's all happening now.
everything. :(
there isn't much to grasp on, except only all i remember.
so much I will miss.
Fortunately, my dad's finally ready to start "talking" about getting me a car. this time, i'm making most of the expenses, which i'm totally fine with. all as long as i have a way of transportation. so i need to cover insurance, gas, and some of the cars payments.
meaning, i must get a job. this year i need to crack down with so many things.
i say i will, but what if i don't? i don't know how mature i am sometimes, whether or not i like to pretend that i have all the answers.
i'm only a seventeen year old girl.
1)I hate not ever being able to get in touch with you, when right now you need to be here the most.
2)I hate your change of moods, and the way you go about me day after day.
3)I hate that you won't let me in, tell me what is wrong.
4)I hate that you've got this big head now.
5)I hate that you are in the position you are in, you don't deserve it.
6)I hate that you're young as fuck and you think you are older than us all
7)I hate that you're one of the preppy bitches now.
8)I hate that you're miles away from me when we used to be the best of friends.
9)I hate that you think you're a witty asshole that people get perks from, but really just get annoyed by.
10)I hate that you think texting me 43458 times a day without getting a response will make me want you.
11)I hate that your priorities are so different now, and we aren't the same.
12)I hate that you're just.....stupid.
13)I hate that I can never hate you.
-this is all to different people, i could always cut out 3 statements, make them all about one person, and just call it "10 things I hate about you" why cramp the movie though?
blogsblogsblogs they are all the same as always, noooo point, none at all! fuck em
shucks.
delish.
today was neat, i went to the mall with anna, my sister, & mi madre.
I had to go with them to pick out a bridesmaid dress. I found one, it's long & black but it's surprisingly not bad. it makes my breasts look voluptuous ;]
hahaha. ick.
I wish desiree came with us!
actually, the whole day i was immensely tired. I wasn't in the mood for any type of shopping.
the last couple days have been pretty 'blah' to say the least. everything is becoming more and more realistic. it's all happening now.
everything. :(
there isn't much to grasp on, except only all i remember.
so much I will miss.
Fortunately, my dad's finally ready to start "talking" about getting me a car. this time, i'm making most of the expenses, which i'm totally fine with. all as long as i have a way of transportation. so i need to cover insurance, gas, and some of the cars payments.
meaning, i must get a job. this year i need to crack down with so many things.
i say i will, but what if i don't? i don't know how mature i am sometimes, whether or not i like to pretend that i have all the answers.
i'm only a seventeen year old girl.
1)I hate not ever being able to get in touch with you, when right now you need to be here the most.
2)I hate your change of moods, and the way you go about me day after day.
3)I hate that you won't let me in, tell me what is wrong.
4)I hate that you've got this big head now.
5)I hate that you are in the position you are in, you don't deserve it.
6)I hate that you're young as fuck and you think you are older than us all
7)I hate that you're one of the preppy bitches now.
8)I hate that you're miles away from me when we used to be the best of friends.
9)I hate that you think you're a witty asshole that people get perks from, but really just get annoyed by.
10)I hate that you think texting me 43458 times a day without getting a response will make me want you.
11)I hate that your priorities are so different now, and we aren't the same.
12)I hate that you're just.....stupid.
13)I hate that I can never hate you.
-this is all to different people, i could always cut out 3 statements, make them all about one person, and just call it "10 things I hate about you" why cramp the movie though?
blogsblogsblogs they are all the same as always, noooo point, none at all! fuck em
shucks.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
last night was fun, i cut gage's hair, ha! it's really not terrible.
desiree is going to be here soon, we'll be devouring Moes!
then annas return is today around 5.
hoooooray!
oh yes, kara i just got your blog comment on me being 'racist'. i don't mean for it to come out bitchy when i say i don't like interracial relationships and how i picked on theirs in the movie Obsessed. It's not so much someone being black, it's just any man who is that black and any white woman make me uncomfortable because it reminds me of years and years of bad memories from my childhood. it's weird, if it's a black woman and a white man, it doesn't even bother me.
it's just too much to go into, but no, i'm not racist. still, i apologize if i offended you, you just don't quite understand my dilema.
anyways, my sleeping schedule is obviously reversed completely. i can stay up all hours of the night, and i can easily stay asleep during the day.
this is not good, i hate wasting the day away. not only one day, but day after day, it just gets to be too much.
i was just cleaning my room and found a movie i used to watch all the time in my room before bed at my moms. Lars and the Real Girl, it was my obsession before I moved in here.
I kind of forgot about it, but I need to watch it again one of these nights. I think it's one of those movies that all girls will automatically liked, because seems to me that every girl I've talked about it with has said they 'LOVE' it, and it's their 'FAVORITE'! I guess you're lucky if you find a guy to treasure it as well. Many guys I asked, other than Aaron, say it's slow and not worth watching.
I like movies like that though, throughout it sure it can be a tad boring but you still collect so many details without noticing, that when the ending comes around you are just astounded.
Just like this indie film my wonderful sister Lacie introduced to me, Junebug. It was so adorable, and unique. Such it's own film, different at all costs, and those I think are the movies that always win my heart.
i hate stalker boys. you are CREEPY!
bleh. leave me alone : (
uh, i supposed i will get ready now.
don't go
desiree is going to be here soon, we'll be devouring Moes!
then annas return is today around 5.
hoooooray!
oh yes, kara i just got your blog comment on me being 'racist'. i don't mean for it to come out bitchy when i say i don't like interracial relationships and how i picked on theirs in the movie Obsessed. It's not so much someone being black, it's just any man who is that black and any white woman make me uncomfortable because it reminds me of years and years of bad memories from my childhood. it's weird, if it's a black woman and a white man, it doesn't even bother me.
it's just too much to go into, but no, i'm not racist. still, i apologize if i offended you, you just don't quite understand my dilema.
anyways, my sleeping schedule is obviously reversed completely. i can stay up all hours of the night, and i can easily stay asleep during the day.
this is not good, i hate wasting the day away. not only one day, but day after day, it just gets to be too much.
i was just cleaning my room and found a movie i used to watch all the time in my room before bed at my moms. Lars and the Real Girl, it was my obsession before I moved in here.
I kind of forgot about it, but I need to watch it again one of these nights. I think it's one of those movies that all girls will automatically liked, because seems to me that every girl I've talked about it with has said they 'LOVE' it, and it's their 'FAVORITE'! I guess you're lucky if you find a guy to treasure it as well. Many guys I asked, other than Aaron, say it's slow and not worth watching.
I like movies like that though, throughout it sure it can be a tad boring but you still collect so many details without noticing, that when the ending comes around you are just astounded.
Just like this indie film my wonderful sister Lacie introduced to me, Junebug. It was so adorable, and unique. Such it's own film, different at all costs, and those I think are the movies that always win my heart.
i hate stalker boys. you are CREEPY!
bleh. leave me alone : (
uh, i supposed i will get ready now.
don't go
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
wow.
once again my dad is out of town.
it's always felt as if i've lived alone here, but lately i really have.
i could throw a party tonight.
i don't want to. so i'm not.
that's why i'm not telling van or anyone who thinks they can plan all this shit without asking me first.
i like having the house to myself, soaking it up.
i can do anything here.
i would like to have a friend or two over but, its already almost 9, and i have cleaning to do.
i might as well get on that.
also, i just love when people choose that day where they are just going to be an asshole.
oh well, you're all gone soon anyways.
i'll probably blog later tonight, who knows what is going on.
once again my dad is out of town.
it's always felt as if i've lived alone here, but lately i really have.
i could throw a party tonight.
i don't want to. so i'm not.
that's why i'm not telling van or anyone who thinks they can plan all this shit without asking me first.
i like having the house to myself, soaking it up.
i can do anything here.
i would like to have a friend or two over but, its already almost 9, and i have cleaning to do.
i might as well get on that.
also, i just love when people choose that day where they are just going to be an asshole.
oh well, you're all gone soon anyways.
i'll probably blog later tonight, who knows what is going on.
Monday, August 10, 2009
as much as you disappoint me right now, as much as i despise and dislike you now. i miss you so much surprisingly.
i talk down on you. complain and show remorse. only because you leave me confused and absolutely clueless to why you are doing what you are doing.
why can't anyone be the least bit god damned easy to read anymore.
i cant name one person other than my close girl friends who i truly understand.
(yes, i did say 'girl friends', i'm a little creeped out by my choice of words as well.)
who knows what the fuck any one is up to these days. there are whores and junkies out on the loose everywhere.
i'm bitter, i know i am.
maybe it's the fact i've been randomly tired for the past three days and no matter how much sleep i get i won't feel any strength. or the fact that i'm more emotional than usual, and my bras won't fit anymore because my breasts have now officially grown out of them in the last, uh, two days.
the funny thing is, i dont want them any larger than they have been before. i'm not a happy camper right now, partly with these reasons listed.
on a normal night, i wouldnt blog about such obscene things. i'd usually be embarassed or bewildered with words.
words don't come out right anymore,
haven't for a while.
i have been reading words backwards more often, maybe i'm dyslexic. that would be neat, too bad i'm not. i just freakishly read one word or two backwards from time to time.
oh fuck you if you're doing what i think you're doing
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckthisblogandhowstupidandpointlessitisandhowmiserablyborediam
becausei'mathomeandcan'tgetoutofthisbedforthelifeofmebecauseihavenopowerinmetodo
so.iwishicouldfeelclosetosomebodybutidontfeelnothing.wasiquotingsomething?maybe,
maybenot.canttellanymore.ihatethisonegirlwhoithinkiscompletelyawhore,whyisshehere,
she'ssogrossandisprobablyinfestedwith345835STDSwithheroutmostinnocentfront.
cuttheshitplastic,yournotanythingtotheworldbutacheapfuckhereandthere.youhavestupidhair
andyoureyoungasfuck
sex and the city can bite me right now, i'm in to much of a bad mood to watch shit
i dont even have a reason to be
but it feels so damn good
i talk down on you. complain and show remorse. only because you leave me confused and absolutely clueless to why you are doing what you are doing.
why can't anyone be the least bit god damned easy to read anymore.
i cant name one person other than my close girl friends who i truly understand.
(yes, i did say 'girl friends', i'm a little creeped out by my choice of words as well.)
who knows what the fuck any one is up to these days. there are whores and junkies out on the loose everywhere.
i'm bitter, i know i am.
maybe it's the fact i've been randomly tired for the past three days and no matter how much sleep i get i won't feel any strength. or the fact that i'm more emotional than usual, and my bras won't fit anymore because my breasts have now officially grown out of them in the last, uh, two days.
the funny thing is, i dont want them any larger than they have been before. i'm not a happy camper right now, partly with these reasons listed.
on a normal night, i wouldnt blog about such obscene things. i'd usually be embarassed or bewildered with words.
words don't come out right anymore,
haven't for a while.
i have been reading words backwards more often, maybe i'm dyslexic. that would be neat, too bad i'm not. i just freakishly read one word or two backwards from time to time.
oh fuck you if you're doing what i think you're doing
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckthisblogandhowstupidandpointlessitisandhowmiserablyborediam
becausei'mathomeandcan'tgetoutofthisbedforthelifeofmebecauseihavenopowerinmetodo
so.iwishicouldfeelclosetosomebodybutidontfeelnothing.wasiquotingsomething?maybe,
maybenot.canttellanymore.ihatethisonegirlwhoithinkiscompletelyawhore,whyisshehere,
she'ssogrossandisprobablyinfestedwith345835STDSwithheroutmostinnocentfront.
cuttheshitplastic,yournotanythingtotheworldbutacheapfuckhereandthere.youhavestupidhair
andyoureyoungasfuck
sex and the city can bite me right now, i'm in to much of a bad mood to watch shit
i dont even have a reason to be
but it feels so damn good
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
you may tire of me as our december sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be.
i feel not so well today, i've got a headache and the blues.
anna is gone, well not for long.
I hate beyonce movies.
Obsessed was stupid.
I hate interracial relationships, it's gross seeing an attractive white woman be obsessed with a man so black you can only see the white in his eyes and his teeth.
shows how fun my day has been.
the morning was great, my friends are wonderful.
i think i'm about to hang out with bridget.
and tommy.
who knows, maybe bridget and i will have a long overdue sleepover tonight.
i kind of miss the days when we would curl up under lots of blankets & cozy up on the couch eating Chunky Monkey Ben & Jerry's ice cream, watching movies.
pants is being overly cute today, i don't know what has gotten into her.
i smell really good too.
i'm using an amber body mist, much like vanilla except more 'o la la'.
i can't get enough of vanilla.
but i can enhance the quality.
it's taken me a while, but part one of someones present is ready, too bad they couldnt come get ittttt.
tisk tisk.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
put me on a plane, fly me to anywhere with you
it's so annoying still having friends on my facebook from beaufort that puts "Going out on the River!" as their status.
How Beaufort can you get? ....going out on the river. I have never once heard someone use that expression here before.
And of course, the ones I'm talking about are always holding fish in their display picture, or wearing an ass amount of camo.
I need to move out of the south.
I want to go somewhere more urban, more my taste.
lots of amazing local venues around, and little coffee shops and boutiques & consignment shops.
A town with a bursting uniqueness and the most imperfect beauty.
I could live in Little Five Points any day, in ATL. It's so wonderful there.
I have to leave this place though, no it's not bad. I actually really like it here.
It's just not a place for me to live.
I have so many plans and ideas now, so many people would be proud of me if they only knew. : )
How Beaufort can you get? ....going out on the river. I have never once heard someone use that expression here before.
And of course, the ones I'm talking about are always holding fish in their display picture, or wearing an ass amount of camo.
I need to move out of the south.
I want to go somewhere more urban, more my taste.
lots of amazing local venues around, and little coffee shops and boutiques & consignment shops.
A town with a bursting uniqueness and the most imperfect beauty.
I could live in Little Five Points any day, in ATL. It's so wonderful there.
I have to leave this place though, no it's not bad. I actually really like it here.
It's just not a place for me to live.
I have so many plans and ideas now, so many people would be proud of me if they only knew. : )
Monday, August 3, 2009
Say I am you
I just listened to The Weepies, haven't actually listened to all these songs in a while.
It's weird, hearing it brought back a rush of all these feelings and memories, mostly winter.
As each tune was running through my laptop, I felt a rush of cold weather. I remembered my bangs, and the always-almost-too-dark hair color I seemed to have. The long sleeved thick sweaters I wore that I had in many colors, that had something I could tie around my waist. And of course those winter boots I always wore, that I loved tucking my jeans into. I remember driving out of Spanish Wells, while it was dark out and going out to dinner.
I remember everything just seeming so cute. So perfect, almost.
I remember applying my thick coats of lip gloss that I'm sure was too much for my lips.
All the winter concerts, and things and flings going on, always something to do.
Sliding in my Weepies CD while driving to Beaufort, anxious and waiting to see my family. No stiff weirdness with my mother.
Then I remember all that homeschool nonsense, and watching stupid movies on HBO that I never wanted to watch. Just waiting til I could pick a friend or two up from the school and say hi to everyone. Waking up to texts from you and you and you.
I remember Catie, she and I were pretty close at the time.
I remembered you, of course.
Everything blended together.
I think I was happy, I think things felt more right then they have before. The warmest I felt in the coldest of winters.
Now I can't listen to this soundtrack anymore. It makes me realize that all of that is gone.
None of it will ever come back again.
It's weird, hearing it brought back a rush of all these feelings and memories, mostly winter.
As each tune was running through my laptop, I felt a rush of cold weather. I remembered my bangs, and the always-almost-too-dark hair color I seemed to have. The long sleeved thick sweaters I wore that I had in many colors, that had something I could tie around my waist. And of course those winter boots I always wore, that I loved tucking my jeans into. I remember driving out of Spanish Wells, while it was dark out and going out to dinner.
I remember everything just seeming so cute. So perfect, almost.
I remember applying my thick coats of lip gloss that I'm sure was too much for my lips.
All the winter concerts, and things and flings going on, always something to do.
Sliding in my Weepies CD while driving to Beaufort, anxious and waiting to see my family. No stiff weirdness with my mother.
Then I remember all that homeschool nonsense, and watching stupid movies on HBO that I never wanted to watch. Just waiting til I could pick a friend or two up from the school and say hi to everyone. Waking up to texts from you and you and you.
I remember Catie, she and I were pretty close at the time.
I remembered you, of course.
Everything blended together.
I think I was happy, I think things felt more right then they have before. The warmest I felt in the coldest of winters.
Now I can't listen to this soundtrack anymore. It makes me realize that all of that is gone.
None of it will ever come back again.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
meet me in montauk?
I am so anxious to read a vintage Cosmopolitan. I'm getting sick of the same sex advice, you either hear the same thing you did a subscription or two ago, or it's something you already know. I would like to know what sex was thought of back then, what turned guys on. I know one thing, I know it was considered sexy to 'take your hair down'. For women, hair that wasn't up was considered slutty and definitely the last thing from classy. But that was way way way back, maybe even before Cosmopolitan was first published. I mean it was FIRST published as a family magazine in 1886, but didn't become a woman's magazine til the late 1960's. So yeah, the 'sexy hair' rule was probably in the really early 1900's before the 40's and into the 1800's. Anyways, point is, ya don't have to be a whore to be in love with Cosmo. Wait, that was never my point, but it's a point I'm stating now.
I don't make valid points, ever. If anyone has ever caught that about me. One of my few corks. The past few days have been restless. Either that or way too boring and empty. But lately, no matter how much fun I'm having or how much is on my mind, something has been missing. Can't tell you what it is, it can be a majority of things. What's been on my mind lately is summer is coming to a quick end (by the way, "back to school" signs in drug stores and any type of market make me absolutely sick) people are leaving. I hate that, but I know everyones just going on with their life as they should. I mean, a LOT of people are leaving. I thought about it, a lot of people I know are seniors. It really sucks, I started meeting a lot of new people too and come to figure they are all seniors. There's a couple where I thought I could really start to like and get to know, but when this 'guy' likes me, I suddenly hold back. It's like my body is starting to reject myself for liking people, if they are leaving and I am starting to know them. I'm scared to get to know you. I'm scared that it's going to upset me even more. I'm afraid of not knowing how much I can handle until it happens. What will this year be like? There are so many holes that will need to be filled. I'm sick of creepy guys hitting on me, don't say you are good to women, and you respect them. I'm not a dumbass, trust me I know all about your type. Character one: you say things to make me feel as if you'd respect me, want to take me out on a date. I don't eat this stuff up, man. And besides, what's up with all the spastic texting? If I dont respond after 4 consecutive texts, obviously I'm not going to text after the 5th. Character two: Do you even like girls? Character three: you're short and look like nick jonas, two things I wish not to induldge in. Character four: You're leaving, I don't know you too well. You're so pretty on the outside, but just so weird on the inside. I like weird, I do. I don't feel anything though.
Obviously, I'm not looking for anything right now. Who knows, maybe I'm afraid to face my emotions and I'm just missing out on something or someone right now. Or maybe all of you are just shit. Every next single one of you I meet from now on, what if you are all nothing? What if I was always meant nothing to everyone. Ah I'm not about to quote Manchester Orchestra.
I have always had really interesting ideas and thoughts as a really young child, sometimes I look back on a few of them and still wonder the same thing. I used to think, what if the 5 senses (smelling, touching, tasting, seeing, hearing) is different for everyone. As in, what if what I look like to myself looks completely different to someone else? What if ice cream doesnt taste the same to anyone else? What if the touch of sandpaper feels awkward to everyone, but a different kind of awkward. We would never know, we just know what's considered pleasurable or not. I can't put this into words at all. The funny part is, why should I care? If something is not meant to be found out, then leave it at that. It's like, if a fat girl falls in the woods, would the trees laugh if no one was there to see it?
I'm so so so talkative tonight, my thoughts are just sprinkling around my brain and exploding with different things. I thought, I just have to blog! No more sad, pathetic depressing boy blogs.
At least for now, right?
Sometimes I spend the night thinking about how I'm going to die one day. Usually that thought doesnt really scare me but when I spend all this time thinking about it before bed I get so insanely freaked. It's like, we were put here and there is no way out but dying, and everyone does it. Then I start thinking, will there be any type of after life, do souls really still keep on? Or will that be it, will my existence really be gone? What things will I miss out on, how long will this go on for? Life really is short, yet people live longer and longer as time goes on. This whole world scares me, there is so much out there. So much things undiscovered, so many empty people. So many lives untouched and unspoken. So much unrequited love. So many unsaid words so many undone tasks. I think...I want to do so much. Cliche, but I do, I want to do so much.
The sad thing is, I doubt I really will.
It's like that one really good thing you start to write. It has so much potential to be a good book, but you never finish it.
I hate to say it, but you told me so.
I never finished it.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
i'm fine without you.
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