a long blog worth reading.

so here I am, sitting on my floor listening to explosions in the sky.
first beath after coma.
memories come rushing to me now.
9th grade. the year of being so young but so much more willing.
the year of nothing being important, filling coke bottles with kahlua to replace the emptiness.
i remember, sitting in history class. drunk. listening to my ipod with a friend, zoe.
listening to explosions in the sky, (as i'm hearing now) and taking in every string, every portrayed beat and note flowing through my ears like an orgasmic symphony.
Listening, more-so watching, the teachers empty mouth move up and down side to side, slowly. then lookin down at the hundreds of notebook paper sheets I had doodled on.
Mushroom houses, Moons blowing stars, swirls and lyrics. Arrows and the designs you'd most likely see on a clowns face. yep, that was me alright.
I had my first hardcore crush then. Lucas Pate. The senior boy, the boy who talked to me and had interests in little ol' me. Lover of Job for a Cowboy, Norma Jean, music I never really liked. Lover of music that I either loved or hated. Lets copy and paste the list of music he likes from his myspace page, shall we?

"knights of the abyss, the black dahlia murder, job for a cowboy, my bitter end, haste the day, chiodos, through the eyes of the dead, the bastille, bring me the horizon, the number twelve looks like you, cannibal corpse, cartel, suicide silence, the black acadia mourning, senses fail, black flag, evergreen terrace, bo bo stompers, all shall perish, chevy chase stabbed the king, the prodigy, the damascus intervention, aphex twin, the ramones, the clash, the knife trade"

we shared interests for, what he'd call 'our song', Lazy Eye. By silversun pickups. Somehow this song will always somewhat remind me of him.
we both liked V for Vendetta, Mallrats, and Office Space. Random Movies.
He was so weird, boy was he a weird one. Why else would i like him so much?
i'd look for any excuse just to see him. if i had to skip a class, hell, i'd do it in a heart beat to sit outside of the nearby furniture store with him, for that hour and a half to talk and look at eachother and smile.
we'd do this a lot.
he texted me, i texted him, so much.
I was close to falling in love with him, when one day, I found out he had a new girlfriend.
I was so hurt and shut down. He continued to taunt me. 'she's not like you melanie.' 'you've got so much potential' 'i'm not good enough' 'you understand me'
i figured if he could say all this, and flirt with me, act like nothings changed. then why not me?
was i pain to his eyes?
they broke up.
he came crawling back to me, the managers at the furniture store noticed our return. we got too attached, the year was coming to an end. we started not talking as much, and once again, he found someone new. while i was crushed again, i started forgetting him. he still wouldn't fail to get me out of his vision. he kept me around somehow. i'd still be so into him, he had a small shitty apartment by then, this must have been the beginning of tenth grade. I stole 20 dollars from my hardworking mother, making little money to make sure we had a roof over our head. i stole that 20 dollars so that my ride could drive me out to his apartment instead of school, where i should have been. we layed on his couch all day. played Marble Blast Ultra all day, while his Ipod lay playing loudly. The aroma, I remember it well. It smelled strong of smoke, and marijuana.
never once, did i hook up with him. it was only kisses we shared. kisses that nearly killed me each time.
soon enough, i got enough of it. the weird ones always seem to screw me over, and thats the first time i really learned it.
his life started turning to shit seeing as he didn't go to college and stuck around beaufort. the last year there i spent not acknowledging him. ignoring all the inviting texts. I move here, Hilton Head. Meet people, and ones who made such an impact on me one can't explain. He see's me in town one day, see's how much I changed and is immediately immensely attracted to me. He starts texting again, stalking actually. I feel nothing for Lucas Pate at this time. For all my feelings were towards someone else, someone who mattered so much more.
I laughed at his pity attempts.
throughout my life, i've been around men who have screwed over so many women around me who i look up to and love. they screwed me over, as well. the more it happens the more i put myself down and believe less in someone actually good for me.
a guy who wants me around, wants to broadcast me to the world.
wants everything about me, craves me, everything about me. especially the imperfections that he is so fond of.

those men only exist in television, or those novels you read.
i'm begining to grasp it, it's all bullshit.
I know now that no one is right for me, no one i know anyhow. I don't feel like anyone truly wants me or respects me. no one i know now, anyhow. i'm always proven wrong and forever will be.
I used to be that girl though, you know?
the girl with high hopes and fantasies of him and that life i could have.
care free and looked up at the sky in awe.
where did she go, who is this person typing right now?

a part of me really wants her back
another part of me is glad she's dead.



this is probably my head lacking an insane amount of sleep talking.
tomorrow i'll read this, and say.
i'm fine, really.
do me a favor if you do read this. don't analyze it much, okay?
I'm going to say it ahead of time, I know I'm more than likely just rambling away.
all because of this damn explosions song.