call yourself a person, people dont do that shit man.
grow the fuck up, learn what you want. gossiping is an act for the young and you should know better.
you ruined everything for me, and yourself.
why do you even say the things you say?
well fuck off, i dont even care anymore
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
tried to stay awake and remember my name.
the smoky air calmed her
she didnt know if it was the mix of the incense or the people moving around
or maybe the amazing music which felt like it was a war full of loud but really exciting explosions!
she felt at peace, as if time wasn't one to exist, she rode on a stream of music notes
into a universe where nothing mattered
where everyone lived in huge mushroom houses, and jim morrison was the sound of the rain.
there was never black and white just a mix of vibrant lovely colors
her mind was racing and jumping, it was the most amazing feeling one can feel
yet indescribable and unimaginable. the trees shouted love and exploded with green,
oh all the green! it was like a ride she couldnt stop taking, it was a breath she couldnt stop breathing.
it was the night everything changed, she let go and breathed it in.
she didnt know if it was the mix of the incense or the people moving around
or maybe the amazing music which felt like it was a war full of loud but really exciting explosions!
she felt at peace, as if time wasn't one to exist, she rode on a stream of music notes
into a universe where nothing mattered
where everyone lived in huge mushroom houses, and jim morrison was the sound of the rain.
there was never black and white just a mix of vibrant lovely colors
her mind was racing and jumping, it was the most amazing feeling one can feel
yet indescribable and unimaginable. the trees shouted love and exploded with green,
oh all the green! it was like a ride she couldnt stop taking, it was a breath she couldnt stop breathing.
it was the night everything changed, she let go and breathed it in.
Friday, September 19, 2008
I dont care what nobody says, no i'm gonna be his lover.
another post, another rant. i figured i'd just keep you updated. even though i wrote pretty late last night, oh so much has happened since. last night i fell asleep without a thought in my mind. and i know that because i usually remember things i think about before i drift off to sleep. but last night, i got nothing. but what i do know is i went somewhere, yet thats too personal for this blog itself. hell, maybe i'll start a diary and say things ive always wanted to say in here. well lets just say i woke up feeling pretty good, a clean mind and everything was okay. my mom comes in asking me if my alarm had gone off, and i told her in fact that it did. about 10 minutes from when she came in, and that i was simply resting my eyes for a little bit- i had plenty of time to do nothing this morning, no one to pick up and nowhere to go. she asks me if i took the medicine the handed me last night, and i said i didnt. so she made me take it today. i hate that pill, it makes me feel weird. i had to take it last year and it made me feel like a robot, 'cept with less metal and screws in my body. she started saying things that upset me, just a little. things as in how i have problems and i need to suck it up, and take what she gives me. after a while she was basically calling me psychotic. and who knows, maybe i am. maybe everyone is, no one is sane most of the time anyways. so, tears just started pouring down my face and i grabbed my keys and left. i started driving somewhere and i didn't know where i was. i know it wasnt school, thats a damn sure. towards the middle of the day i realized this was stupid, i need to come home. but beaufort to me isnt home anymore, being with my dad, and the house in hilton head? thats home to me now. i feel understood here and so much more relaxed. anyways, i head to bluffton and eventually i got there. my dad wasnt at his office so i head towards the house, and of course he was there. i thought the first thing he would do is yell mercifully at me, and tell me what a fuck up im becoming, thats what i expected at least. but he listened to me, word for word. i could tell me was because when he's not, he just cuts you off and the conversation usually only has one side to it. but i guess in this conversation there was one side. and for once, he was on mine! actually my side, he was agreeing with everything i said. he wanted what was best for me, made several phone calls and took me to breakfast. i wont get into things that are being worked on right now, but my life is coming together again, and its because of him. parents do have benefits, after all. so much madness has overtaken me in the last week, its incredible. but i'm sane, i'm living, i'm breathing, and i'm going to be okay...
my dad took me to breakfast in his car today and i was just sitting there. i got all these flashbacks of being a little girl again. i remembered sitting there, in the passenger seat listening to his cheesy spanish and electro-pop music. but i didnt complain, because even though i hated it so much, i loved the feelings that came back into me as when i was little. it was a reminder to me that i was really happy once upon a time. no, im not saying im a depressed little freak. sure, i go through some depression and anxiety but its not like that all the time, and i dont want this blog giving out the wrong idea. i was just such an easy-lucky-free kind of girl.
well, my dads home and we're going to barnes and noble to get a diary and maybe a few books for me to start reading.
thanks for reading, its good to know that you do.
-me
my dad took me to breakfast in his car today and i was just sitting there. i got all these flashbacks of being a little girl again. i remembered sitting there, in the passenger seat listening to his cheesy spanish and electro-pop music. but i didnt complain, because even though i hated it so much, i loved the feelings that came back into me as when i was little. it was a reminder to me that i was really happy once upon a time. no, im not saying im a depressed little freak. sure, i go through some depression and anxiety but its not like that all the time, and i dont want this blog giving out the wrong idea. i was just such an easy-lucky-free kind of girl.
well, my dads home and we're going to barnes and noble to get a diary and maybe a few books for me to start reading.
thanks for reading, its good to know that you do.
-me
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"i was a part of every single intrument; literally a part."
i finished an amazing book, Go Ask Alice. i've never read a novel so fast, i can't honestly say i remember the last time i've read at all...
it's almost like a wonderful world. compare a great book to a movie. sure the movie plots things out for you, but it will never take you to a more intense extent your mind can make it. i forgot how refreshing reading makes you feel. i feel stupid and idiotic talking about this but i dont know, its a nice change. i think im going to start reading a lot now, there are a lot of things i'd like to read.
so far a list of to read's are:
-perks of being a wallflower (i need to finish that)
-a million little pieces
-crank
-a piece of cake
and there are others, but i really cant think. i just felt its time for a new blog!
schools pretty rough these days, and more stressful then ever. and its just the beginning of the year. it can only go down from here, i'd like to say i was strong enough to pick myself up but to be completely honest i dont think i am. maybe ive tried too many times to let things go, not to care, to better myself. but after trying so much, its just not something easy to do anymore. i'm not saying i necessarily want to give up. i just feel like i've disappointed and turned my back to a lot of people i care about. nothing was intentional. maybe i want things back to how they used to be, however that was. then again, i want something new..
but really, nothing can ever be new. i mean sure, things can be new but when people say they want a new life, well, not everything can change like that. everything has a different pace. but i wouldnt NOT be happy if somethings did change. i'm not happy where i am, i'd like to live with my dad. we've been getting along a lot more lately, and he just talks to me more and acts like he cares about me and whats going on. i know my mom loves me and i know she tries so hard to reach out. i feel bad, i want to reach out to her too. its just....i dont feel so close to her as i did when i was really little, which i vaguely remember. of course ultimately? i'm closer to my friends... but of course at this point id be. teenagers live in a completely different world then...any other age, or generation. we cant talk to kids in junior high and elementary school, and even like freshman. i cant talk to people way older than me either. its easier to understand and not judge as much at this age, at least for your friends. teenagers LOVE to judge, i mean its their second language. but at least they do it in good manor. adults just criticize us. which is all okay, i mean we all need a little criticism once in a while. but its like we have those people who just will always accept you, and never put you down. i wish this blog was more onto one complete subject, i feel like i've talked about a lot of different things tonight. but i think thats the point of a blog, you know. kind of like a public diary except not really..
it's public but no one reads it anyways. unless i ask them to, then thats different. if i asked you to read this very blog then obviously theres a reason i wanted you to. maybe i dont know why, and im sure you dont either but lets just keep it at that.
well, things now are just a bunch of ups and downs. i guess thats all there is, i mean, take today in school for example. it was good, yeah. and then it just hit me in the middle of class. i was miserable, all i wanted to do was get out. it took over me, some power i cant even explain but it just took a hold of me and made me want to leave and ditch everything im supposedly working so hard for. i dont know what it was that bothered me so much at that point, but it bothered me terribly. i cried in school today, which is hard for me to say because thats just utterly humiliating. i talked to the head of our small school, ACT (for you hilton head kids that stands for Arts Communication & Technology) and our school is seperated into 4 different parts filled with different majors and we have a principle for each one. well, i talked to mine today and that helped, i just bottle up so much stress and never talk about it with anyone. i pretend every second of my life is so fucking fine, 100%, never ending happiness. if that exists somewhere, i'd like to know who lives this life because it seems pretty far from whats going on these days. i feel like a brat for saying this stuff but maybe i like writing it out, its like im talking to myself but not really. i dont know, its cool. ANYWAYS after i talked to her, i felt better and went back to class and everything was fine, but every once in a while ill feel like a bunch of bricks just hit me. my moms putting me on medication again, i hate being put on medication. we got my prescription today, and its the same that i took last year but it didnt work then and if it still doesnt work now, they said the next step is to take xanax bars. which i DEFINITELY do not want to do, i'm the kind of person who hates to have a feeling take over me, to make me dependent on it. its just really scary to me. either this time my medication works or im just going to have to lie and say it does, and go through the same stuff all over again. either away i dont want to be on autopilot like i was last year. i need to make a change.
it's almost like a wonderful world. compare a great book to a movie. sure the movie plots things out for you, but it will never take you to a more intense extent your mind can make it. i forgot how refreshing reading makes you feel. i feel stupid and idiotic talking about this but i dont know, its a nice change. i think im going to start reading a lot now, there are a lot of things i'd like to read.
so far a list of to read's are:
-perks of being a wallflower (i need to finish that)
-a million little pieces
-crank
-a piece of cake
and there are others, but i really cant think. i just felt its time for a new blog!
schools pretty rough these days, and more stressful then ever. and its just the beginning of the year. it can only go down from here, i'd like to say i was strong enough to pick myself up but to be completely honest i dont think i am. maybe ive tried too many times to let things go, not to care, to better myself. but after trying so much, its just not something easy to do anymore. i'm not saying i necessarily want to give up. i just feel like i've disappointed and turned my back to a lot of people i care about. nothing was intentional. maybe i want things back to how they used to be, however that was. then again, i want something new..
but really, nothing can ever be new. i mean sure, things can be new but when people say they want a new life, well, not everything can change like that. everything has a different pace. but i wouldnt NOT be happy if somethings did change. i'm not happy where i am, i'd like to live with my dad. we've been getting along a lot more lately, and he just talks to me more and acts like he cares about me and whats going on. i know my mom loves me and i know she tries so hard to reach out. i feel bad, i want to reach out to her too. its just....i dont feel so close to her as i did when i was really little, which i vaguely remember. of course ultimately? i'm closer to my friends... but of course at this point id be. teenagers live in a completely different world then...any other age, or generation. we cant talk to kids in junior high and elementary school, and even like freshman. i cant talk to people way older than me either. its easier to understand and not judge as much at this age, at least for your friends. teenagers LOVE to judge, i mean its their second language. but at least they do it in good manor. adults just criticize us. which is all okay, i mean we all need a little criticism once in a while. but its like we have those people who just will always accept you, and never put you down. i wish this blog was more onto one complete subject, i feel like i've talked about a lot of different things tonight. but i think thats the point of a blog, you know. kind of like a public diary except not really..
it's public but no one reads it anyways. unless i ask them to, then thats different. if i asked you to read this very blog then obviously theres a reason i wanted you to. maybe i dont know why, and im sure you dont either but lets just keep it at that.
well, things now are just a bunch of ups and downs. i guess thats all there is, i mean, take today in school for example. it was good, yeah. and then it just hit me in the middle of class. i was miserable, all i wanted to do was get out. it took over me, some power i cant even explain but it just took a hold of me and made me want to leave and ditch everything im supposedly working so hard for. i dont know what it was that bothered me so much at that point, but it bothered me terribly. i cried in school today, which is hard for me to say because thats just utterly humiliating. i talked to the head of our small school, ACT (for you hilton head kids that stands for Arts Communication & Technology) and our school is seperated into 4 different parts filled with different majors and we have a principle for each one. well, i talked to mine today and that helped, i just bottle up so much stress and never talk about it with anyone. i pretend every second of my life is so fucking fine, 100%, never ending happiness. if that exists somewhere, i'd like to know who lives this life because it seems pretty far from whats going on these days. i feel like a brat for saying this stuff but maybe i like writing it out, its like im talking to myself but not really. i dont know, its cool. ANYWAYS after i talked to her, i felt better and went back to class and everything was fine, but every once in a while ill feel like a bunch of bricks just hit me. my moms putting me on medication again, i hate being put on medication. we got my prescription today, and its the same that i took last year but it didnt work then and if it still doesnt work now, they said the next step is to take xanax bars. which i DEFINITELY do not want to do, i'm the kind of person who hates to have a feeling take over me, to make me dependent on it. its just really scary to me. either this time my medication works or im just going to have to lie and say it does, and go through the same stuff all over again. either away i dont want to be on autopilot like i was last year. i need to make a change.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
im on my feet, im on the floor, im good to go.
fuck it all, everything. im sick of the ups and downs, the ups just get my hopes up and then when the downs come i feel like shit.
nothings easy anymore, everyone has it great and everyone has it bad. nothing is certain anymore, i dont know what i'm doing half the time, i'm just watching time go by and while i think im having a great time theres always something telling me to be guilty for that fun. or that fun that i think can turn into something better is just a waste of my time. when i think about it thats all im doing, is just wasting my time. everything is a fucking choice now. i have to fucking choose my friends, i cant just be friends with whoever i want and have everything a-okay. i cant have anything desirable because it wouldnt work that way. no one understands what im saying and i like it that way. im sick and i feel alone and shitty. i hate school and my job. i dont know what doing anything is worth anymore. im writing a sonnet for an emo wristcutter, yet i dont care what you think.
this is me talking, maybe its the fever or the fact that it feels like ive only slept 20 minutes all week. even though its been longer than that. everyone have a dandy weekend, enjoy it, sink it in.
and have a a great night, and suck my dick
nothings easy anymore, everyone has it great and everyone has it bad. nothing is certain anymore, i dont know what i'm doing half the time, i'm just watching time go by and while i think im having a great time theres always something telling me to be guilty for that fun. or that fun that i think can turn into something better is just a waste of my time. when i think about it thats all im doing, is just wasting my time. everything is a fucking choice now. i have to fucking choose my friends, i cant just be friends with whoever i want and have everything a-okay. i cant have anything desirable because it wouldnt work that way. no one understands what im saying and i like it that way. im sick and i feel alone and shitty. i hate school and my job. i dont know what doing anything is worth anymore. im writing a sonnet for an emo wristcutter, yet i dont care what you think.
this is me talking, maybe its the fever or the fact that it feels like ive only slept 20 minutes all week. even though its been longer than that. everyone have a dandy weekend, enjoy it, sink it in.
and have a a great night, and suck my dick
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
i've been waiting. i've been waiting for this moment all my life.
so, ive noticed people are posting a lot of deep blogs lately, with good points to interesting subjects. what i usually talk about is life & so on. well, there is other things that i can write about.
well, i can't say that. because everything is life. everything in someway is connected to life. hmm, let me think of a random word.
okay, closet. lets relate: closet & life. there are many ways you can relate this.
-in a connecting way :closet is to clothes is to cotton is to plants is to a part of life.
-a metaphor: closet holds things the everyday human needs to have to survive these days. so does life.
-direct connect: thats easy. we have interaction with a closet at least once in our lives. (hopefully more than once, though)
what is there to talk about anymore. i feel like i've said it all, or someone has taken the words right out of me. like right now, i've written a good amount of the most pointless things in the world and theres still no topic. well, i'm going to talk about this, the thing everyone talks about. the top 10 overused word in the world. the word that everyone thinks they know so well.
yes, you guessed it right. love. what is the correct meaning? is it: a really really really really really really really (x342098 more reallys) strong version of like. no. so what is it? love is love, everyone says "oh your not in love your too young and I WOULD know how love really feels, ive been in love, ect. " their dumbasses, love has no meaning, i think that it is its own word and means something different to anyone. if someone says they are in love, leave them alone. if thats what they consider love than so be it. some people take the word more serious, some people throw it around. but thats how they choose to do it, theres not a wrong or right love. love is love. love doesnt have to be forever or else its not real, thats ridiculous. say you met the most amazing person and they make you feel like a billion bucks. eventually, you say you love them. and you really mean it. they cheat on you or kill your brother, your mad and you dont like them anymore. just cause it didnt last, means it was never love? love is an emotion, that people keep forgetting. its not a title, on facebook you cant change your status to; in love. (with the options of in a relationship, swinger, ect.) its an emotion, it can last for however long it has too, and whenever. even as short as 5 seconds. being angry, excited, nervous. those are all emotions too. so what, your going to say that if your not nervous constantly forever, that you were NEVER nervous? no.
so chill out with that word. its not a proposal, its not your definition of love, its theirs. & they can play around with that however they want.
so, whats your definition of it?
so there you have it, another blog about life. which every blog anyone will write will be about.
even if they decide to blog about their closet.
well, i can't say that. because everything is life. everything in someway is connected to life. hmm, let me think of a random word.
okay, closet. lets relate: closet & life. there are many ways you can relate this.
-in a connecting way :closet is to clothes is to cotton is to plants is to a part of life.
-a metaphor: closet holds things the everyday human needs to have to survive these days. so does life.
-direct connect: thats easy. we have interaction with a closet at least once in our lives. (hopefully more than once, though)
what is there to talk about anymore. i feel like i've said it all, or someone has taken the words right out of me. like right now, i've written a good amount of the most pointless things in the world and theres still no topic. well, i'm going to talk about this, the thing everyone talks about. the top 10 overused word in the world. the word that everyone thinks they know so well.
yes, you guessed it right. love. what is the correct meaning? is it: a really really really really really really really (x342098 more reallys) strong version of like. no. so what is it? love is love, everyone says "oh your not in love your too young and I WOULD know how love really feels, ive been in love, ect. " their dumbasses, love has no meaning, i think that it is its own word and means something different to anyone. if someone says they are in love, leave them alone. if thats what they consider love than so be it. some people take the word more serious, some people throw it around. but thats how they choose to do it, theres not a wrong or right love. love is love. love doesnt have to be forever or else its not real, thats ridiculous. say you met the most amazing person and they make you feel like a billion bucks. eventually, you say you love them. and you really mean it. they cheat on you or kill your brother, your mad and you dont like them anymore. just cause it didnt last, means it was never love? love is an emotion, that people keep forgetting. its not a title, on facebook you cant change your status to; in love. (with the options of in a relationship, swinger, ect.) its an emotion, it can last for however long it has too, and whenever. even as short as 5 seconds. being angry, excited, nervous. those are all emotions too. so what, your going to say that if your not nervous constantly forever, that you were NEVER nervous? no.
so chill out with that word. its not a proposal, its not your definition of love, its theirs. & they can play around with that however they want.
so, whats your definition of it?
so there you have it, another blog about life. which every blog anyone will write will be about.
even if they decide to blog about their closet.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
should i go back, should i go back, should i?
mmm,
i havent blogged in a while. so i'm sure you all know about this wonderful tropical thunderstorm or whatever you'd like to call it going around. yes, hanna.
thankfully, we are out of school tomorrow cause of it (: which is awesome.
the 4 day weekend was pretty awesome as well. i spent it in hilton head with a bunch of my close friends. my dad was really sick so i also had to be there for him. first we went to the football game, catie & i. we saw neat people there and brady stuck by us for a while. we ran into kara and erin and gage and mehhhh, other people!
oh, and hilton head high's band ROCKS. the way they march on that field with their big drums, just so talented.
then we went to wendys, that was pretty cool. catie and i woke up, early kind of and went to the beach with terry and kara. i thought i got a lot of sun, but my skin didnt think so obviously. then we went to hear sara burns play and saw ian garrett gage brady and friends. haha, yeaaaah. THEN next morning catie & i went to ihop with gage and had a little grillout for her BIRTHDAY!
that was a blast...
mmmmhm hahaa
anyways
agodfhagar
i dont feel like writing anymore. buuuuut, i hope you guys have a great THREE day weekend!
much love,
me
i havent blogged in a while. so i'm sure you all know about this wonderful tropical thunderstorm or whatever you'd like to call it going around. yes, hanna.
thankfully, we are out of school tomorrow cause of it (: which is awesome.
the 4 day weekend was pretty awesome as well. i spent it in hilton head with a bunch of my close friends. my dad was really sick so i also had to be there for him. first we went to the football game, catie & i. we saw neat people there and brady stuck by us for a while. we ran into kara and erin and gage and mehhhh, other people!
oh, and hilton head high's band ROCKS. the way they march on that field with their big drums, just so talented.
then we went to wendys, that was pretty cool. catie and i woke up, early kind of and went to the beach with terry and kara. i thought i got a lot of sun, but my skin didnt think so obviously. then we went to hear sara burns play and saw ian garrett gage brady and friends. haha, yeaaaah. THEN next morning catie & i went to ihop with gage and had a little grillout for her BIRTHDAY!
that was a blast...
mmmmhm hahaa
anyways
agodfhagar
i dont feel like writing anymore. buuuuut, i hope you guys have a great THREE day weekend!
much love,
me
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