i want to feel something again, the pep i had everyday. everythings changing, summers almost over, its the same thing everyday. and the only reason i'm writing this is for a very weird reason itself. because i dont want to post it on myspace, where everyone can read it, and i pretend like this is my own personal diary where only i can read it. yet the fact that anyone can read this, is exciting to me. because no one goes here unless i post something about it somewhere, but i'm not this time. if your reading this, then your reading it. so thank you.
another reason i like blogging, is because its the only place you can whine and complain without worrying what other people think. I mean come on, if I ever said this stuff outloud I'd seem so depressed and just such a 'blah' person, & you probably get that about me if you read this itself. but if you know me, then you'd know im not a blah person.
anyways, i'm rambling and getting way off subject like i usually do..
everything lately has been seeming so unreachable. people are turning twofaced, i dont know who are my friends and who just pretend. what really is the difference between pretenders and non-pretenders anyways. i pretend myself, i pretend to be so fucking happy all my fucking life. i cant ever show sadness, or disappointment. i never want to bring others down. i hope that if i can convince them that everything is going perfect with me, i can convince myself. i dont tell ANYONE half the shit i go through, what i've been through in my past. no one knows, honestly. no one. just me. its inside just growing there and i cant stop it, but its a pain i've been trying to kill for so long but instead its the part thats eating me up inside, where i dont know what to even do anymore. except post a lame ass blog. everyone else blogs about the great things they did that day, or how so in love they are with whoever they are dating,
well i would love.
love, to post a blog about any of that.
and i could, if i really wanted. but why lie to everyone? and myself. at least why do it anymore, i mean really? i have no idea what i want anymore..i dont know who i am. i dont know anyone i think i know, i dont even know where i want to go with my life. all we need are answers, it seems so simple and cliche. but if we could just know the answers to all of our problems, or whats truly wrong with us, everything would be so easy. but thats the funny thing about life, your supposed to find the answers yourself, and sometimes leave things unanswered. i've tried looking but somethings really are meant to be unanswered.
hopefully something will be left unquestioned for me.
and hopefully soon.
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