"i was a part of every single intrument; literally a part."

i finished an amazing book, Go Ask Alice. i've never read a novel so fast, i can't honestly say i remember the last time i've read at all...
it's almost like a wonderful world. compare a great book to a movie. sure the movie plots things out for you, but it will never take you to a more intense extent your mind can make it. i forgot how refreshing reading makes you feel. i feel stupid and idiotic talking about this but i dont know, its a nice change. i think im going to start reading a lot now, there are a lot of things i'd like to read.
so far a list of to read's are:
-perks of being a wallflower (i need to finish that)
-a million little pieces
-crank
-a piece of cake

and there are others, but i really cant think. i just felt its time for a new blog!

schools pretty rough these days, and more stressful then ever. and its just the beginning of the year. it can only go down from here, i'd like to say i was strong enough to pick myself up but to be completely honest i dont think i am. maybe ive tried too many times to let things go, not to care, to better myself. but after trying so much, its just not something easy to do anymore. i'm not saying i necessarily want to give up. i just feel like i've disappointed and turned my back to a lot of people i care about. nothing was intentional. maybe i want things back to how they used to be, however that was. then again, i want something new..
but really, nothing can ever be new. i mean sure, things can be new but when people say they want a new life, well, not everything can change like that. everything has a different pace. but i wouldnt NOT be happy if somethings did change. i'm not happy where i am, i'd like to live with my dad. we've been getting along a lot more lately, and he just talks to me more and acts like he cares about me and whats going on. i know my mom loves me and i know she tries so hard to reach out. i feel bad, i want to reach out to her too. its just....i dont feel so close to her as i did when i was really little, which i vaguely remember. of course ultimately? i'm closer to my friends... but of course at this point id be. teenagers live in a completely different world then...any other age, or generation. we cant talk to kids in junior high and elementary school, and even like freshman. i cant talk to people way older than me either. its easier to understand and not judge as much at this age, at least for your friends. teenagers LOVE to judge, i mean its their second language. but at least they do it in good manor. adults just criticize us. which is all okay, i mean we all need a little criticism once in a while. but its like we have those people who just will always accept you, and never put you down. i wish this blog was more onto one complete subject, i feel like i've talked about a lot of different things tonight. but i think thats the point of a blog, you know. kind of like a public diary except not really..
it's public but no one reads it anyways. unless i ask them to, then thats different. if i asked you to read this very blog then obviously theres a reason i wanted you to. maybe i dont know why, and im sure you dont either but lets just keep it at that.
well, things now are just a bunch of ups and downs. i guess thats all there is, i mean, take today in school for example. it was good, yeah. and then it just hit me in the middle of class. i was miserable, all i wanted to do was get out. it took over me, some power i cant even explain but it just took a hold of me and made me want to leave and ditch everything im supposedly working so hard for. i dont know what it was that bothered me so much at that point, but it bothered me terribly. i cried in school today, which is hard for me to say because thats just utterly humiliating. i talked to the head of our small school, ACT (for you hilton head kids that stands for Arts Communication & Technology) and our school is seperated into 4 different parts filled with different majors and we have a principle for each one. well, i talked to mine today and that helped, i just bottle up so much stress and never talk about it with anyone. i pretend every second of my life is so fucking fine, 100%, never ending happiness. if that exists somewhere, i'd like to know who lives this life because it seems pretty far from whats going on these days. i feel like a brat for saying this stuff but maybe i like writing it out, its like im talking to myself but not really. i dont know, its cool. ANYWAYS after i talked to her, i felt better and went back to class and everything was fine, but every once in a while ill feel like a bunch of bricks just hit me. my moms putting me on medication again, i hate being put on medication. we got my prescription today, and its the same that i took last year but it didnt work then and if it still doesnt work now, they said the next step is to take xanax bars. which i DEFINITELY do not want to do, i'm the kind of person who hates to have a feeling take over me, to make me dependent on it. its just really scary to me. either this time my medication works or im just going to have to lie and say it does, and go through the same stuff all over again. either away i dont want to be on autopilot like i was last year. i need to make a change.