put me on a plane, fly me to anywhere.

It's been a while since I've blogged, I know this.
Things for me these days are intense, crazy. I notice I don't plan anything. Like, I don't know if I'm staying at my dad's one night, or my mom's. I hang out with my friends still, & that is great.

But other than that, the love life? Kind of non-existent. Lately I've been trying to force myself to get into someone, ending up feeling used or feeling like I used someone myself.
Either way all in all, I don't feel worth it, & I feel like I'm just a waste of everyone's time. I feel like, I'm good for someone in the moment. Til something better comes along and in my case, something better ALWAYS comes along.
I wish something better could come along for me. I don't know when it will, but hopefully it's worthwhile.
I grew up around awful relationships, & some of my own. My mother had bad luck with someone, my parents got divorced when I was pretty young. & my brothers & sisters had bad relationships as well. Now I see my dad with a new girl every night. Sure I joke about it, & people think its funny that I can't keep track of his girlfriends, but it all traumatizes me. I feel like some of those girls he's dating sometimes, good for that day, but tomorrow I don't even exist. Its just a confidence boost in the end I think. To feel wanted in that moment, but who am I kidding? I was never wanted. Who knows when I will ever be wanted, but from all the messed up things I went through...it leads me to think when I feel like someone WANTS me, that I cant even believe them. That it's just a joke & it will be over soon.
I guess what I'm saying in this...well...one of the most pathetic blogs I've ever written is. I admit it, I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, its hard for me to trust anyone now. Especially lately. I've been feeling used.
My question is, is if I know I'm being used by them, why do I still find it admirable?
Why do I keep coming back.

I'm on the path for looking for something great that I'll never find. Cause my own stupid ways can't guide me there.