Pants

i'm trapped.
suffocated.
i can't live here anymore.
how could i reach the point of standing face to face with my dad just begging for him to hit me?
i know he really wanted to, so i wanted him to.
he doesn't care about me, like a lot of people in my life that i thought were important.
i feel like dirt.
i'm here again.
i hate it.
i don't want to ....be here. right now.

i dont want to be posting such a stupid blog that will just be mocked.
i hate this. i hate every fucking thing right now.
he can't deal with me, so he wants me to move in with her again. i can't,
i just can't go back there. it was terrible, miserable.
so many awful memories rot there in the pit of the room i used to sleep in.
and now, bad memories are starting to form here.
i resent them both so much.
he blames me for his unhappiness, when it should be the other way around.
he's not here enough to blame me for such things.
why else do i have repetitive dreams of him either abandoning me for good, or letting me die with some crazy disease without trying to treat me?
he makes me feel like shit.

i couldnt be more... disgusted with myself right now.
i do stupid things..

and i hate how he tunes me out when i'm trying to tell him simply how i feel.
he makes me feel invisible mostly all the time, he only talks to me when i'm doing something wrong.

why does he hate me so much, what did i do?
why can't i just feel so much more love from them, god from anyone.