dream up, dream up let me fill your cup

The Haunting of Molly Hartley was probably...

the worst movie I've seen in years. Sometimes you wonder, how movies even get to theaters.
Nothing about it made sense, the main ideas didn't fit the plot, and the plot was just not thought out.
I'm watching episode 12 of the OC. Seth has such a unique character. He's got my type of sense of humor, which you wouldn't expect to find on a show such as the OC. I like slapstick sort of things. I also think his mannerisms remind me a great deal of Garrett Burke. Sometimes they even talk the same.

I've come to realize I don't have the legit parent. I lost all contact with my mother it seems, and my dad's too busy being out and meeting new girls to show he cares. I was sick this whole last week, really terribly bad and it's the first time I've had to take care of myself. I called him crying at two in the morning because I was in so much pain and wherever it was, it was too loud to hear me. So I had to sit there and suffer. I remember living with my mom, everytime I was sick she'd dedicate herself to me until she knew I was better. She'd leave a note for me to wake up to if she had work telling me what medicine to take and leaving some sort of direction and of course tell me something comforting like, I love you. She'd call me every hour. Other than that though, she was all him. He always came first. & since I made it impossible for her to see him a lot, she would blame her relationship with him on me. Even when I was only 8, she put so much pressure on me I couldn't take the time to be a kid. Now she's out of my life because he's full time in hers. I'm still learning to accept my mother doesn't love me like she loves her abuser.
And for that, I blame myself. It's the only thing I can do.

I want to feel like at least someone wants me. I don't want to feel like an inconvenience anymore.
I want someone to see me as someone they could marry, even if they don't want to marry me. But to see me as someone's wife. To see me as someone that somebody can live with and love. Just because I was deprived of it for as long as I can remember. I just want opposite.
It makes me anxious to be a mother, to be honest. Ugh, don't get me wrong, I'm not ready and I
want none of this now. This is all in 'way later on' terms. Especially since there is no one who would want it with me anyways.
It's just one of those comforting things to know.
I'll be so good to whoever my future is with.

Speaking of future, everyone's leaving soon to get one.
Is that it?

I just need time to slow down, and I really need to stop blaming myself for everything.
:/

p.s.
i'm on a lot of different cough medicines right now so i might find this really loopy the next time i read it. did i just rant about having babies and getting married?
shit.