I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind

It's amazing how different it is to see a movie for the second time and take it in, in such a different way then the first time.
I just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, for the second time.
I can honestly say I cried, truly cried at the end. Movies have made me tear before, and I've been on the verge of crying so many times but for some reason, right now, it hit me hard and I just cried. Maybe I connect to it different now, I don't know.

I don't understand anything anymore, my feelings have just been overwhelming me lately. Taking over me, even scaring me a little. But, I've been finding that I've been having a really hard trusting mostly everyone lately because of something that happened over break, which is stupid and not worth talking about. I just don't like not being able to be assured that somethings not happening behind my back, when I don't really have a right to be mad in the first place.
Sometimes I wish things were different, but for the most part I'm just happy.
Not all the time, but in those little moments it makes up for everything. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm getting at.
But I'm not so sure either. All I know is how I feel and how I feel can't be written. I could only hope I wasn't alone on this feeling, but oh well.

Things are good, things are bad. I can't really complain. I realize that I do have a lot of good friends out there that care and everything. Like Terry, I like hanging out with him, he's easy to talk to and I can really just be myself around him. Aaron and Van, are also a couple good friends of mine, I haven't seen them in a while but I'm glad I did last night because they really are great people. I can also talk to Aaron about anything, he really knows how to comfort me. Catie has seen me most this break and even though we spent enough time together to get utterly sick of each other, we never did. We never fought or anything, she's just a positive person and I really respect her and wish she wasn't going through as much as she was. Desiree, has been there for me since 1st grade, and we've stayed in touch somehow every year. Sure she likes things I don't like, for example some of those electro-pop bands I'm not so into and Jonas Brothers. But she is so amazing. Really, I don't know what I'd do without her. It's been a rocky road for Bridget and I but we're talking again, slowly. We will never just stop talking for good, we've been there for each other too much. I've also been hanging out with Gage a lot and he really makes me happy. I really understand him for the most part even though I don't think he knows it, but he does mean a lot to me. Then theres Garrett. Everything he says just makes me smile, he's got the best sense of humor ever, that a lot of people don't get which makes it that much better. We don't hang out much but when we do, I always have a lot of fun. I don't know how this turned into a blog about people I'm close with, I guess I just feel like writing things. Oh and I didn't put that in any special order, just because someone's before you doesn't mean I like them better than you. But uh....yeah! Well..I hope none of that made anything awkward.
Not that it would.

Also, since I'm on a blogging roll, I guess I may add in some other things bothering me lately. For starters, I am really self conscious with myself lately, I'm never happy with myself. I feel fat sometimes, and then others I'll be like, ew my legs look like sticks. & then I'll always look at some other girls and wish I had certain traits like them. I know this is stupid and people are probably thinking I'm writing this for attention, but it really has been eating me inside lately. God I just don't feel good enough for anyone anymore, you know? I don't feel...special? I feel like nothing fucking special mostly all the time. I feel really plain if anything, not worth a lot. And I haven't been sleeping, as you can see this is written at like 2 in the morning. and it makes me into such a boring person I think. But I am going to start sleeping again and getting back on track. But other than that, I just feel grossed out with myself. Sometimes I'm bored with me. Usually people get bored of other people, but I'm bored of myself. I'm sick of the way I look, my voice, my laugh, my same sense of humor, the music I listen to over and over again in the car, even my clothes. I just want to someone to make me feel like, wow, that girl really is something. I don't know I guess it would be a nice feeling.

This is stupid, I have to wake up at 8 for homeschooling. And I'm ranting about stupid things I will probably laugh at in the morning when I'm in a different state of mind.
Goodnight friends.