Pants

May 20th 1998 10:39 pm
It has been two days. Where are you? I keep waiting to hear a tap at my window. I don’t play music at night, just because I’m so anxious to hear you throw those rocks. You still don’t come, maybe I’m being obsessive. I already miss you, you’re the only thing on my mind. When you’re around I feel a sense of reality but the second you’re away I’m in some world that somebody is writing for me one second at a time. Whoever is writing this twisted story, please pencil my lover in somewhere soon. Please please please! I keep hearing little rocks being thrown but I look out the window and there are no rocks around and no one there. The sound of the rocks turn into boulders falling from the sky. The boulders from the sky turn into shrieks full of pain and misery. I know though, that my room is completely silent and that’s when I hear things the most.

Tip-toes to the ledge. Tip-toes to the ledge. Go farther, you’re worthless. You are nothing meaningful in the world and you’re mind is just as fucked up as your purpose here. The only man who loves you is made up and even he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

“No!” She stammers. “Stop! Please, leave me alone!”

Don’t be scared. This is what’s right. You will never be happy here.

“…Y-yes yes I will be, I will be, stop talking you don’t exist. You don’t exist. You’re only a voice. You’re a figment. You don’t exist you don’t exist.”
Oh but I am. Listen to my voice. Get it over with, you’re so close to ending this nightmare.

Now she is screaming and crying hysterically.
“Mila?! ….MILA GET DOWN FROM THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” Her mother rushes to her, reaches around her abdomen and pulls her down, embraces her in a tight hug making sure Mila won’t go anywhere else but in her arms.
“I’m sorry mother I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please make them stop!” She says softly behind her harsh tears.
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow you’re going to Dr. Murdock, this time you tell him everything okay? Even if it hurts tell him everything.”
“Okay mom. I’ll go, I will. I’ll go.”

---

“He hasn’t returned for 5 days now. My head is acting up even more. The pills, well they aren’t strong enough.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. You know we can’t up your dose anymore, I don’t understand this. You need to realize that this person you are infatuated with is not real. Take it into heart, you see, you can’t receive the affection you want right now simply because he’s just not there to give it. When he was, was when your brain wanted to trick you the most. Think of your brain as…an older sibling to the heart. It plays little tricks on it, but even through the emotional pain they still work together and need each other. Your brain taunts you and makes you feel this connection with…this person, this imagination. See…”
He pauses. Looks blank and stares straight ahead without saying a word.
“…are you okay doctor? Mr. Murdock, hello?
He slowly moves his eyelids up and down and comes back from his blankness.
“Oh, well wow. I’m sorry dear, I don’t know what just happened. Must be tired…”
“Oh. It’s okay. Anyways… you were saying.”
“Right. I was saying, just forget that. What does this man look like to you?”
“well, he’s tall. Very patient and kind with me, his face…he looks washed out and well. To be honest, his face is a little blurry to me, I don’t know why. When I am around him I can pan him out perfectly but when I try to describe him to someone else, all memory of him just fades. All I have of him is in this…”
“In what?” skeptical.
“Just this journal I keep. It’s nothing. I record the things we do together, the nights he comes to my window. It’s always dark, haven’t seen him in daylight. We do have memories though, and Mr. Murdock. He is just so real to me, no one understands. He is so secretive and mysterious, but he loves me I know it. And… wait. It’s been an hour and ten minutes. Time is up…maybe this is a good thing. I don’t want to get into this now anyways.”
He reaches over and touches her hand, “No… I want you to.”
She looks up, pulls away. “What? No I should really go. I’ll see you next week though, honest.”
“Yeah yeah, sorry that was not right of me, I’m a professional psychiatrist! The time for these sessions are always exact. Forget that, I’ll see you then. If you hear those voices again, you and your mother contact me immediately, you hear?”
“Of course. Bye Richard.”
“What?”
She slightly smiles, embarrassed. “Goodbye Dr. Murdock.”

He looks around the office room while it’s quite and abandoned.
To himself he says, “What the hell is going on.”
He gets up and heads home.

[to be continued.]