Pants

blogging is most appropriate right now.
today was so....STUPID.
this is how it went, in a nutshell.
-sleepy/neutral
-annoyed (texts)
-relaxed (shower)
-good
-good
-great
-alright
-blah
-giddy
-cold (grillin)
-joyful
-satisfied (moes)
-freezing
-happy
-just okay
-bored
-growing tired, really really bored
-angry
-frustrated
-unconscious (nap)
-MAD
-let down
-bias
-fun
-cute
-awkward
-really awkward
-home.



Each day I feel like I pick something new up about a person. Whether it be delightful, or unpleasant. If there is one thing I cherish more, it's feeling comfortable enough to confide in someone. To get treated with pure honesty. It disappoints me to no end when I learn that someone I enjoy shows some of those traits. Especially when there are two completely different stories on both sides and you just want to believe them both because they sound so good from that persons P.O.V.
I'm so sick of the "he said/she said" games. She said that you said this and that about me, but he said that you did this and that, yeah but she blah blah blah, no i never told him any of that, no she told me you said this. Jesus Christ.
It's too much, I feel way past this. Just fucking be straight up with me, don't worry about my 'feelings'.

The Grillin today had it's ups and downs. I saw some people I haven't for a while, talked to them for a bit, that was good. I wasn't in a social mood at all today however and didn't really feel like talking to anyone or meeting any of the people I haven't met before there (which was surprisingly more than I thought). I enjoy these people, don't get me wrong. And I usually have fun at these gatherings but for some reason I wasn't feeling it today. Usually I'm more outgoing and put myself in more conversations and strike things up but today all i thought about doing was going home. And I probably would have but Erin drove me. The truth is, I don't hang around those kids enough to be able to comfortably weave myself in little conversations. Not today atleast. Wasn't one of my better days. Also It's been kind of bothering me that I have felt so inferior to this in particular person. She's pretty, sweet, basically everything I think I'm not. She's like, 'the golden girl'. It seems like she has what it takes to get whoever or whatever she wants, and while I really enjoy her I still feel kind of low compared to her. Maybe it's my fault, that I will sit and compare myself to someone. But all these guys are in love with her and she doesn't have to do much for them to be taken away by her while I feel the complete opposite. It's just been this weird little thing that has been eating at me the last few days and it's nice to write it down instead of locking it in my head. I know it's a stupid thing to be bothered by, I'm just....too hard on myself sometimes I guess. And for the cherry on top (by the way, I hate starting my sentences with 'And' I know it's incorrect english in most cases but I don't care, who is judging?) anyways, for the cherry on top, I felt as if I was getting a bunch of young aged worthless drama hurled at me from two people that really mattered to me. I thought that act was put to an end and buried into a deep grave. While it all seemed juvenile and stupid, some of it really did kind of hurt, just seeing how the day was strewn about.
When the day was slowly ending, Catie & I and others went to the movies to see Nine.
It was a very enticing movie, very sexy. Penelope Cruz did a little sexy strip tease [she is SO gorgeous: I love her!], and Nicole Kidman had a sexy role as well. It was taken from a Broadway play, I wasn't too crazy over the movie though but it wasn't not worth it either.
All of us ate at Fancy Q before hand, I got a yummy Philadelphia roll and they gave us this tasty fried oreos & whipped cream thing for dessert. It was only the second thing I had to eat all day. Normally my days have consisted of eating one or two meals. It hasn't been three in god knows how long. Not because I am self conscious of my body (which I guess I kind of am but that has nothing to do with how I diet), it's really just because I don't find the time and I'm not hungry that often. The benefits of this of course is the weight that I lose.

If I had a list for everyone that I miss in some way, it would be a really long list. The list would contain people that I haven't seen in years, people that I haven't seen in what-seems-to-be-a-while-but-really-isnt-but-they-are-so-close-to-me-that-it-feels-like-forever, people who have changed immensely and seem like the old them is dead and gone, people who are here that I feel don't exist when they should, people that I feel I should see more often that I don't. It would be a really long list. All in all, I miss so many people.

Oh, I REALLY want to dress up as a pin-up girl by the way. so badly.
they are absolutely fantastic. the outfits are so seductively glam!