a long blog, to make up for lost time.

I'm going to try to type out everything, maybe to help explain a lot of things. Hopefully writing things out will make me less confused and other people as well.

First, I'm going to start out with one of those 'ten people' things. guess if you'd like. or not, whatever.
& these aren't in any sort of order, they are mixed up and I like it that way.

1) I don't get it. You seem fake, I don't know if its purely insecurities or what. You choose the days to act like we are perfectly fine & then talk badly about me behind my back. I feel like everyone refers to you as this mature, almighty person. When in my eyes, you're nothing more than a 7th grader who isn't content with themself. Oh well, we were never friends anyways, you're just in that 'circle'.

2) I like you a lot. We grew up together, & met in the 'Say No To Drugs!' program. Now I know you already know who you are :) We've never really fought, arguments sure. We know a lot about each other and we can relate in a lot of ways. I love you so much, and I know we will stay this close forever. At least I hope! You may get famous & forget me. Thanks for being there, I know I can count on you.

3) You're such an interesting person! I find similar interests that we have and one other thing in common. I think you'll get really far in life, and get out of this 'awkward' stage. You are unique and that makes you beautiful. You're eyes are the prettiest shade of blue!

4) We just became great friends. I hope you won't let me down, or make me think otherwise. We do however have a lot of fun, and long for just being happy. Which we do get a lot of the time.
I'm glad we met, hopefully great things are in store.

5) you amaze me in so many ways. You're beautiful, and strong, and one of my best friends. You are gone now and I can't stand it. I want you back so bad, I miss you so much and it hasn't even been long. What will I do without you? It won't be the same here, honest. I am so glad that you are taking all of this change as best as you can, and just know I am here for you always and so is a LOT of other people. You mean so much to me, you have no idea.

6) I don't understand you. You say you miss me, then fall off the face of the earth, and just stop talking to me all in all. I don't know what I did or why we can't be friends. I just am not so happy with how this ended up. I guess I thought you were different, and not like that. It's disappointing. Oh well, I hope all is well.

7) You most likely won't ever see this but, you're just swell : ) I hear you're "bad news" but maybe I'm bad news too. I don't know. We'll see. You intrigue me...

8) I made mistakes with you and I regret them now but at the time, I was just so pissed off, my mindset was 'i don't give a fuck.' it was a weird time in my life, and I don't know what to say about this anymore...

9) You've been my best friend since we were in diapers, literally. We lost touch a lot of these years but now we're best friends again. Actually, lately it's as if we've been drifting. We have very different lives now, but at least we still keep each other in mind and don't become strangers again. I enjoy your friends and I think they enjoy me. Vice versa. You are a great person though, and I love you to death.

10) sorry if I come off as a bitch and put you down sometimes. I just worry about you a lot and I guess that's just a messed up way of handling it. I'm afraid you're going to get worse and worse with all this stuff and not even be the same person anymore. It's not that I think that's the kind of person you are, it's just that it's happened to me so much in my life, you don't even have a clue.

If you know for a fact who you are, let me know, that's fine. But don't ask me who certain numbers are, if you don't know, you aren't supposed to obviously. Maybe I want some of them unknown.

I've been having these dreams, where I've been living in a dream world. they are really interesting & I think they are based off of that movie "What Dreams May Come" Which is a favorite of my sister Lacie's and she always watched it with me. Basically I am living in paintings, most of the time abstract and sometimes they are beautiful and scenic. I'm the only real thing, unless I add people in there from time to time. The houses don't look like houses but they are houses. The trees are shaped weirdly, and the leaves are a color that was never invented before, but they never looked so radiant. My footsteps are 8 miles long and no one has mouths. There are no frustration, no adultery, no anger and no confusion. If I needed shelter from large green rain drops, I'd hide in a tall log or a huge mushroom with an attached door. I'd hold onto my lover and he'd hold me back. He has no face but his touch tingles every sensation on my body, I can feel them although I am asleep. Music is constantly playing, ever so softly in the back of my mind, but loud enough to be enjoyed.

Then I wake up and I'm here.
I then remember what frustration and anger feel like again.
I think, why feel like this...when I can feel like that?

I want to go home. I don't think I belong here, and no where has ever worked out for me before. Only when I was 7 or 8 and all the years before that. I feel stupid saying that seeing as Anna is going through way worse in this department. To be honest, I don't feel like I'll feel at home again until she is staying with me this summer and hopefully she will feel the same. Anna I love you so much, and you know what I was thinking? I think everyone on this planet has some huge task or accomplishment that they have to do to make them known and someone of honor. Some people get them done, but unfortunately a lot of people never get the chance. But I think you're mom got hers, and I know this sounds stupid and cheesy. I think her accomplishment was to just have you, and be with you for as long as she could to shape you into who you are today. Because if she didn't you wouldn't be here and a lot of peoples lives would be different. Like the people who love you and are here for you, you taught us things everyday and I think you have something really great to offer this crazy little world of ours. Thank you for everything, I don't know what living here would have been like without you. I'll see you soon.

I wish someone could really understand me. Only because if they did, they could help me understand myself. I don't know what I'm doing half the time I'm doing something, or why I act so crazy & hyper. Or those times when I act shy and quiet, with little enthusiasm. There is something missing I know it. I have so much to still define. All I want to do is be happy, what else is life really for anyways? What's life without being happy? What is life itself? This makes me want to quote sublime. "Life is one big question when you're starin' at the clock."

I know I have so much other things to write, and I know I'll think of them later. I just can't think anymore. My brain won't allow it. I'll have to add on to this throughout the day, so keep looking.