i want to change the world, instead i sleep.

i just got back from another day of homeschooling. it's about 2:30
i don't know why but today i have been periodically crying. bridget told me that on the phone i have been sounding upset.

i didn't notice that i sounded that way.
my heart literally feels heavy, and i'm always short of breath somehow, and i even stutter once in a while.


i've never stuttered.

what's going on?

i can't even define why this is happening, it just is.
it's awful, and i just feel alone.
even though i know i am not, i just feel so so alone.

what's weird is, you know that feeling on rollercoasters in your stomach, where its that awkward feeling?
thats what is happening to me except for the first time it's happening in my heart, and i didn't know that could actually happen. it's such a strange feeling, its not like heartburn but a different kind of pain.

i don't know what i'm talking about hah. i just have no idea why i have been feeling this way!
and i swear i have NO idea why i feel sad in the least bit, or why i do have those sparatic crying sessions, i just don't know why that happens because theres nothing i can think of that is triggering it.

this is such a weird blog.
and in my last blog, that must have been confusing haha. i was just talking about someone pathetic i know that likes a great band, thats all. it's sickening.

this is all sickening, i want to feel haaaaappppppppyyyyy!