that ole devil called love

So I'm sitting at work and I have about an hour and a half left, I've pretty much finished up all my work for the day though so I'm really just sitting here until they give me...something to do.
I figured it'd help kill time to blog even though I'm really not supposed to at work.
(They will never know.)
At least I hope not, people do walk by me a lot during the day, so I just gotta be slick about minimizing it before someone comes by.
Just the sound of my managers voice puts me on edge. Something about the sound of it, mixed with the clunking of her high heels against the floor and the way it gets louder the closer she approaches me.

Woot, they just gave me an EKG to do. So now I am TEN more minutes closer to leaving. Isn't that sad? I'm counting the minutes at this point. Usually I am way more busy than this, and I used to complain about it but now I wish I was busy, so I had something to do until I leave.

Today is Wednesday which means it is Yin Yoga night, I'm pretty excited. I think it's one of my favorite yoga classes ever, it's so peaceful and refreshing. It was the first class I ever took actually, at SYC. I just offered to pay for my friend Meagan to come to the class tonight since it's her birthday and she was in training with me, we made friends almost instantly. She's also a good person for me to call if I ever feel like going on a nature walk somewhere or anything outdoorsy, she's the best candidate for the Savannah area.

This Friday is my grandmothers birthday. She is turning eighty years old. It's so strange, I remember celebrating her 67th birthday like it was yesterday. She doesn't even act like she's aged either. Well, sometimes at least. Sometimes she says or does things that make me think she is losing her mind/memory. But who am I to talk, I feel like everyone is slowly losing their minds anyways.
I'm going to try to leave around 8, so I can make it to Charleston without falling asleep. I wasn't completely sure if I was going to go this weekend or not, but now I think I probably should. I feel like my relationship hasn't been its best this week and I know that I owe it to myself and to him to try and get things back to normal again. Whatever normal even was..
Sometimes I never realize just how broken I was left until things make it come out, making it hard for me to let my gaurd down. I don't really know what to do about it or how to help myself. I just always try to tell myself that I'll get better. I hate being this way, it gets in the way of so much in my life. Certain things trigger it like no other. It's just that being in love terrifies me so much, I don't like being some vulnerable girl. And I know that if I were to ever get disappointed even one more time, I don't know what would be left of me anymore. To me, there's nothing worse than getting to that point and it scares the shit out of me. But worrying about it like I do is also not healthy, and pointless. This is kind of why I need to let go of these things I don't need.
Like Facebook for example, I just let it stress me out honestly. I am thinking about not signing on for a few days. I don't want to make some big announcement about it like everyone else does, I don't want to completely delete it, and I'm not trying to distance myself from anyone. I just need to realize that I DON'T need it, because in no way does it serve me. If anyone needs to talk to me, it's not like the can't. I do have a phone, and anyone is more than welcome to come over and chat or go out and do something productive.
I think it would be good for me. Not for long, but just a few days to renew myself. Focus on yoga, and my meditation again. I literally see myself start to unravel when I'm not doing it.
And like I have said multiple times in my past few blogs, it's been a while. This week that I'm starting again is helping sooo much already. Who needs Facebook when you have that?
Now I only have half an hour of work left. See? Blogging is so useful. I can't even believe that I've written this much so far, I guess there was more in my head that I was holding in than I realized. That's why I love this thing. It's like an online diary, and I am pretty sure I'm the only one who see's it now anyways. I love looking back on them too. For instance, it will be awesome looking back on these later on in my life. I wonder what I will think of myself when I'm reading this then. I hope I'll have it more together at that point.
Okay now this is turning into some weird twist, I feel like I am writing some sort of note to my future self. That's kind of creepy. (But seriously, future me, do not judge. I'm just tired today.)
Did I just ask myself to not judge myself? Am I really asking myself if I asked myself not to judge myself?

I seriously almost just deleted that whole entire paragraph just now. ^
But whatever, I'll just laugh at it eventually.

Alex wanted me to go with him to some record store in savannah. But it was only 1:00 when he was going, now I wish I went. Even though that's kind of hard to do while I'm working. I feel like I haven't bonded with him enough lately and that wouldve been something nice to do. I know he always needs someone to talk to, and I guess I do as well. Besides, that's an amazing record store. It's about a block from my house and has the best albums in there. I wonder if he'll still be in the city in about half an hour from now? I'll probably give him a call. How cool would that be if I talked him into going with me to yoga at 7? I actually think he'd really like it. And some more muscle tone for the poor kid wouldn't hurt, either...

Ugh one thing I am not looking forward to is coming home to our kitchen. Derek and Aaron came to clean it a week ago and they left the dirty dishes in the sink, which is fine cause we still had some left in the dishwasher. Well, I realized yesterday that my roommates hadn't touched or washed one dish in that sink. And the only dishes in there that were mine were three wine glasses. Other than that, there was gross mold looking things growing on the plates and cups. So disgusting. I even caught Haley drinking water out of our measuring cup yesterday instead of cleaning a cup for herself to use. I was just like, screw this, I'll just clean them on my own again like always since no one else can wash their plates. I couldnt even fit half of the sink load in the washer. But at least I was able to get a lot cleaned. I left the door on the dishwasher locked so that the next person to go in the kitchen knew to unload the dishes into their clean spaces. When I woke up this morning, someone had literally unlocked the dishwasher, took clean dishes out, ate off of them, and put them BACK in the sink. Didn't even put any clean dishes away or at least lock it back when they were done. It's little things like that that drive me CRAZY. I can't rely on any of them to help me clean up around the house and I'm barely ever home to do it myself so it just sucks. Sometimes it's nice having a small house, or living alone. It's easier to keep up with. Fortunately, the lease will be over soon and I probably won't have to deal with that anymore.

I am pretty sure I typed enough here. Can't lie, it was pretty refreshing getting out all these random thoughts in my head. No wonder I got so addicted to it when I was in high school. I should make it a cool thing again. (It was before Facebook and Instagram blew up)

-M