Close your eyes, you're weightless now.

I feel like writing tonight.
It's midnight, and I'm endlessly exhausted it seems. My mind is still three hours behind east coast time, it's still stuck in Washington state back with my heart. It truly was an amazing trip. I have never cried leaving a trip before in my life until now. I felt such a connection with not only my family there, but earth in general. As we were climbing up this gorgeous mountain next to Mount Adams, each step I could feel and visualize a root reaching down through my feet and steps growing downwards to the very bottom of the climb. It was an indescribable feeling, really being one with nature. Each breath that came from that crisp air cleansed through me, healed any internal imperfection that has risen in my life. That flight coming home, I can distinctly remember the huge knot in my throat. I couldn't breathe anymore, that crisp air was fading and the mountains below the plane were slowly getting smaller. Tears came faster than the plane was going itself, and my senses became higher than the plane was elevating. But you know, I think it was all bittersweet.

Tonight I came across a blog that I had made a few months back and totally forgot about. I made it an online diary, filled with letters of past romances. There weren't many posts and I won't say what was in them here but it really made me realize a lot looking back at how I viewed people in my life. Seeing how hurt I've been, I was in a two year rut of just emotionally dating people off and on, not getting involved and not getting feelings for anyone. And the second they'd show any sign of attachment I would run. I came up with so many flaws, that weren't really there at all. All because I was so hurt in my past. And I didn't realize how screwed up I really was until I sat and read all my posts. I was so dispensable and I didn't know how to handle it. I really honestly thought I'd never be able to trust anyone again. I thought I was cursed, and every time I thought someone would finally break the curse, they really just ended up making it worse and more realistic. I told myself I was going to give up on dating all together and just focus on myself. It wasn't until I fell in love with my best friend that I was able to slowly, and I mean slowly, really put my guard down again and trust someone with my heart in the palm of their hands without fearing they'd clench their fists just a little too hard. Sometimes I have to stop and check in with myself to see if it's all really happening.

"Even though that we're far apart we've come so close, and it feels so right. Don't give up."
That Washed Out lyric is perfect right now.

I also didn't realize how much I hated my job until I went back today. My office manager, as everyone knows, is not one of my most favorite people...
The second I walked through the door she was already riding my ass and talking to me in such condescending ways. Good news is, people are starting to slowly catch on to her now and soon she'll have no more of herself to unravel. Everyone will see her for who she really is.
I just think it's time for me to leave this job and start something new. I've already been there for a few years now, I treasure all the knowledge I've gained and skills I've obtained. I'll be leaving this area in a few months anyways.

So. now it's one o'clock. I should try to sleep, it would be the smart thing to do.
Goodnight, whoever you are.