naked as we come

September has been a busy and crazy month so far.
Birthdays, vacations, and life changing news from your sister- the chaos is all so wonderful.

The only thing I regret is the lack of yoga I have been doing due to how crazy it's been. It's probably been anywhere from 3-4 months since I took a class, which is a lot for me. When I go through lulls like this, I get scared to start up again. This always seems to happen when I take breaks. It's like I am afraid to see who I am on my mat when the next practice comes around. I know it'll be someone different than when I practiced last, although they say that's normal for every single practice you do in your life. But it's one thing to be a good change, and another thing to feel a decline. I am afraid that my lack of use will result in a poor teaching career in my future, or cause none at all. It's really all I want, I just can't seem to make it to the point where I just grab the bull by the horns and just start teaching, I always feel like I'm not at my full potential and I don't want to let anyone down that is taking a class from me. I mean, I don't ever really talk about it, but it TERRIFIES me. Most people think I just don't want to do it at all, and I don't care about it, but honestly it's on my mind everyday all the time. I just don't show it. Maybe I need to take some more workshops and brush up on courses and build my confidence back. I just really don't want to give  it up, I need to see my potential. This is my dream, it's the one thing I want in life and it's right at my fingertips yet I can't seem to quite reach it just yet. Or maybe I can and I just don't know it?
Today I'll take a class at 5:30 and make all of this my dedication. Sometimes that's the best way to setting yourself up for improvement.

Also, I feel I just suck at communicating with people. Do you ever feel like you have such specific feelings on something that you can't word right to someone and everything just gets misconstrued? Seems to happen to me often.
I feel bad because I've made someone close to me feel like I can't trust them. In actuality I trust them more than anyone else in the world which makes it so weird.
It's hard to show someone it's not so much of trust issues as it is respect issues and feeling like you aren't getting any from something in particular that you go through often. I realized today it has nothing to do with trust at all. Sometimes you do things for someone solely out of respecting them, and letting them know that you alone are enough for them. But I guess it's been resolved, yet in a way that still leaves me a little uncomfortable. The only thing to do at this point, is just let it go. And I know I should have a long time ago.


On a happier note- today I just helped save a mans life AGAIN! The second time I was able to catch a heart blockage on our EKG machine one someone that was literally just coming in for a routine physical and not knowing anything was wrong whatsoever. It is moments like these that make you not worry about petty things at your job like your manager, or stress it throws at you because this IS the big picture. This job is so much greater than that, it's helping people get their health back and it is a field you get into that should be completely selfless, and I start realizing that as I get the perks of seeing others get better and heal. Even if I don't want to stay in this specific office much longer, I still would like to continue in the medical field for this reason. It's the beautiful twists we live for, to see them unravel in ways we couldn't imagine.

-M