- People don't go on here anymore so there's really no point in updating phantom subscribers.
- I feel a lack of connection to new blogs I write. They die out, they are unfamiliar.
I choose number two. I really didn't want to start blogging from scratch really, finding a layout that worked, finding a new blog name....no. This works just fine for me. I think I like how it's aged in the only way cyber journaling can age. There is no dust, there's no old coffee stains on half empty scribbled out pages. Yet, it still holds this feel that probably only I can sense. It's an energy that scans through each bone, making me remember bits and pieces of who I was over two years ago and how I thought.
I thought I was such a complex girl, and that if I could show it in mind puzzling journal entries, that the mind of one boy would put the puzzle together and he'd finally understand me. And when he'd understand me, inevitably, he would fall in love with me. Because who wouldn't love a troubled seventeen year old girl who holds nothing but love obsessed sorrow in her wide quivering eyes? But it was never what I wrote that kept him coming back, it was my legs that he read from ankles to thighs, like a murder mystery but never waited long enough to see the plot twist.
Oh but how life has changed since those awful blinding years. Too much to even get into really. Maybe it's not as much as I think it is, but it's definitely more than I have energy for.
Let's sum up my life ever since...
savannah
yoga
cat
coffee
tea
roommates
one night stands
shitty musician romances
alcohol
a lot of alcohol
awful boss
more yoga
yoga certification
music
ekgs
charleston
finally, a healthy relationship
Nothing in this list ACTUALLY matters much, other than yoga music and that healthy relationship.
Doing yoga has been one of the best changes i've ever made for myself. It's actually something I can really say I'm passionate about as a career, I just want to teach everything about it, spread the word about how much it can benefit from others lives like it has in mine. I'm a girl who couldn't go a day without having an anxiety attack, I worried about mostly everything. I thought so negatively and thought nothing/no one had any purpose. Of course one who thinks this way will be sad, naturally. I can't get into it, but not just the physical changes of yoga but the philosophical lessons it has brought to me took me out of the funk I've always been in and I could finally feel peace. Now I rarely ever have an anxiety attack, I feel much better about myself, and I finally feel like I just may have some sort of purpose. Yoga is my ticket out of here, wherever I end up living in my life I can always take it with me. I never stop learning either, and I will keep learning more about it for the rest of my life. I can really breathe again, even through the torturing humidity that feels like you are breathing in a gallon of water as your nose sips it all in.
Also, I'm relieved to say I'm done with all the tiring bad dates, with the tiring bad men. You always hear people say when you fall in love, it's going to be with your best friend. And I always used to think that was a hoax, I mean, I've always loved my best friends. I couldn't see myself loving them more, in THAT sort of way. It seemed odd. But in reality- it couldn't be more of a natural feeling. There are no hurtful secrets, there are no second guessing. While it's the most pleasurably relaxing feeling, it can also be the most terrifying. Mostly because they are usually the last person you'd want to lose now, in many more ways than any other relationships. I know it's worth the risk though, because nothing has ever felt more right to me in my life. It's like changing your diet from standard to organic. Everything tasted good before but you always felt bad afterwards and never really understood why. Then, you switch to something more pure, not masked behind fake ingredients you have never heard of before to fool you into thinking it's what you want. You keep up with the organic nourishment, and the whites of your eyes brighten, your skin starts glowing, and you find yourself growing less tired and held down. You're finally healthy, and your mouth has never tasted anything so sweet before.
That's how he's been effecting me.
That's all for tonight. I'll leave with a suiting song and lyrics below it.
Cheerio.
Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel)-I love how you love me
I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me
I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always tenderly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me
I love how your eyes close
Each time that you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me
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