"I live in nature where everything is connected, circular. The seasons are circular. The planet is circular, and so is the planet around the sun. The course of water over the earth is circular coming down from the sky and circulating through the world to spread life and then evaporating up again. I live in a circular teepee and build my fire in a circle. The life cycles of plants and animals are circular. I live outside where I can see this. The ancient people understood that our world is a circle, but we modern people have lost site of that. I don't live inside buildings because buildings are dead places where nothing grows, where water doesn't flow, and where life stops. I don't want to live in a dead place. People say that I don't live in a real world, but it's modern Americans who live in a fake world, because they have stepped outside the natural circle of life.

Do people live in circles today? No. They live in boxes. They wake up every morning in a box of their bedrooms because a box next to them started making beeping noises to tell them it was time to get up. They eat their breakfast out of a box and then they throw that box away into another box. Then they leave the box where they live and get into another box with wheels and drive to work, which is just another big box broken into little cubicle boxes where a bunch of people spend their days sitting and staring at the computer boxes in front of them. When the day is over, everyone gets into the box with wheels again and goes home to the house boxes and spends the evening staring at the television boxes for entertainment. They get their music from a box, they get their food from a box, they keep their clothing in a box, they live their lives in a box.

Break out of the box! ... This not the way humanity lived for thousands of years." -- Eustace Conway

twenty-one

Here I am, completely restless. I've slept absolutely perfectly the whole entire weekend, and of course the one night where I have to wake up early insomnia strikes. So I am doing what helps the most in situations like these, and that is to write. Anything.
First off, I'd like to say I've grown pretty fond over a show on Netflix that I started to watch. Finished the whole season in a week, don't know how. It's called "Orange is the New Black". It's a Netflix original, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. But I found that I was very attached to it, and also Jason Biggs is in it making it that much better.
This weekend seemed pretty short. I managed to get a lot done though which has taken a lot off of my plate. Majorly, that would be just me cleaning my whole entire room. Yes. For those of you who don't believe me, then, fuck off. Come see it yourself. I had two trash bags full of junk that I just didn't need anymore. All of my clothes were put away, the floor was swept, I even found space to lay my yoga mat. So now every morning I have no excuse to why I can't do a couple sun salutations in the morning. It's my dream room basically, now. I put on facebook days ago that I was changing for the better, and this is part of the start. Next I need to tackle my car, and cleaning that. Which I still seem to keep putting off. I did clean it out somewhat last week but it's still not how I wanted it. Once I can cross that off my list, I will know I really have changed.
I have rekindled friendships with people I haven't spoken to in a while as well, and as we all know that can be one of the nicest feelings.

On Thursday, I finally turn 21. It's weird, it's not even a big deal and yet it still hasn't hit me. I feel like it's one of those weird ages we used to always dream of as young teenagers and envy those who were of age. Always felt like it was never coming. But it is. And it's now. What does it really even mean? I can drink, yeah, but....am I really an adult now? How can age determine who you really are. Why does America get to tell me that I can handle my liquor in a few days from now better than I have been since I started? Or that I am finally ready to be independent, no longer needing the help from any type of guardians. I've been on my own for a while now, age never had anything to do with it. This country turns time into such an illusion, painting a picture in our heads that we need to follow a guideline to meet human standards. Everyone is different though, we don't have a timer waiting to go off.
This tangent has gone way too far, I didn't mean to write on this for more than 2-3 sentences. If I don't stop talking about it now, I never will. And I know I didn't convey at all how I feel about the matter, my mind isn't working too well tonight.
I don't want to give off the wrong impression either, because yes, I am excited for my birthday.
The last two weren't all that great and I'm hoping that since I'll be with everyone I could possibly want to be with, it couldn't go wrong at all. Even if I were just spending it with them doing nothing at all, in no place important at all.
Just gotta get through three days of work first. It's not even the work that bothers me, more so just the management.


well this is working. I'm getting tired, so I guess I can call it a night then. This blog post royally sucks.







fuuuuuck

"She Let Go"

A beautiful poem that always keeps me positive and reminds me to not over think things too much. To stop trying to plan out every part of my life, because I really need to let go sometimes.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

welcome, ghosts.

This is me welcoming myself back. I have tried writing other blogs a couple times since I've last written in here and it just never worked out. Now, I may have two thoughts as to why that is:

1. People don't go on here anymore so there's really no point in updating phantom subscribers.
2. I feel a lack of connection to new blogs I write. They die out, they are unfamiliar. 

I choose number two. I really didn't want to start blogging from scratch really, finding a layout that worked, finding a new blog name....no. This works just fine for me. I think I like how it's aged in the only way cyber journaling can age. There is no dust, there's no old coffee stains on half empty scribbled out pages. Yet, it still holds this feel that probably only I can sense. It's an energy that scans through each bone, making me remember bits and pieces of who I was over two years ago and how I thought. 

I thought I was such a complex girl, and that if I could show it in mind puzzling journal entries, that the mind of one boy would put the puzzle together and he'd finally understand me. And when he'd understand me, inevitably, he would fall in love with me. Because who wouldn't love a troubled seventeen year old girl who holds nothing but love obsessed sorrow in her wide quivering eyes? But it was never what I wrote that kept him coming back, it was my legs that he read from ankles to thighs, like a murder mystery but never waited long enough to see the plot twist. 

Oh but how life has changed since those awful blinding years. Too much to even get into really. Maybe it's not as much as I think it is, but it's definitely more than I have energy for. 

Let's sum up my life ever since...

savannah

yoga

cat

coffee

tea

roommates

one night stands

shitty musician romances

alcohol

a lot of alcohol

awful boss

more yoga

yoga certification

music

ekgs

charleston

finally, a healthy relationship

Nothing in this list ACTUALLY matters much, other than yoga music and that healthy relationship. 

Doing yoga has been one of the best changes i've ever made for myself. It's actually something I can really say I'm passionate about as a career, I just want to teach everything about it, spread the word about how much it can benefit from others lives like it has in mine. I'm a girl who couldn't go a day without having an anxiety attack, I worried about mostly everything. I thought so negatively and thought nothing/no one had any purpose. Of course one who thinks this way will be sad, naturally. I can't get into it, but not just the physical changes of yoga but the philosophical lessons it has brought to me took me out of the funk I've always been in and I could finally feel peace. Now I rarely ever have an anxiety attack, I feel much better about myself, and I finally feel like I just may have some sort of purpose. Yoga is my ticket out of here, wherever I end up living in my life I can always take it with me. I never stop learning either, and I will keep learning more about it for the rest of my life. I can really breathe again, even through the torturing humidity that feels like you are breathing in a gallon of water as your nose sips it all in. 

Also, I'm relieved to say I'm done with all the tiring bad dates, with the tiring bad men. You always hear people say when you fall in love, it's going to be with your best friend. And I always used to think that was a hoax, I mean, I've always loved my best friends. I couldn't see myself loving them more, in THAT sort of way. It seemed odd. But in reality- it couldn't be more of a natural feeling. There are no hurtful secrets, there are no second guessing. While it's the most pleasurably relaxing feeling, it can also be the most terrifying. Mostly because they are usually the last person you'd want to lose now, in many more ways than any other relationships. I know it's worth the risk though, because nothing has ever felt more right to me in my life. It's like changing your diet from standard to organic. Everything tasted good before but you always felt bad afterwards and never really understood why. Then, you switch to something more pure, not masked behind fake ingredients you have never heard of before to fool you into thinking it's what you want. You keep up with the organic nourishment, and the whites of your eyes brighten, your skin starts glowing, and you find yourself growing less tired and held down. You're finally healthy, and your mouth has never tasted anything so sweet before. 

That's how he's been effecting me.

That's all for tonight. I'll leave with a suiting song and lyrics below it. 

Cheerio.

Jeff Mangum (from Neutral Milk Hotel)-I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
Whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me
I love how your heart beats
Whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
Without being told to
I love the way your touch is always tenderly
But darling, most of all 
I love how you love me
I love how your eyes close
Each time that you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way your kiss is always heavenly
But darling, most of all
I love how you love me

It's been a while

I'm sorry guys. I've been more active on tumblr and honestly forgot about my blogspot.

Kind of contradicting what I said before.

That I'd keep up with this, and all.

Uh....what's new with me. Things are new. A lot of things are new actually.

First, lets see what I am MOST excited about! Concerts!

I am going to see Circa Survive in 7 days. They will be playing

at the music farm, which is insanely close to me. I already have my ticket, not missing this amazing opportunity.

Next, I will be seeing Andy Hull & Kevin Devine in December.

DSHGOIGHD! God, can't fucking wait for that. I haven't s

een Andy Hull live since I saw Manchester & Brand New like 4 or 5 years ago. And I took that show for granted. Yeah, weird how you can take shows for granted.

To be honest, I'm not really sure who reads this anymore. Everyone I follow stopped blogging, too. Except for Kristen. I still love your blogs, cutie!

I don't care though. I can always turn here for a personal little journal of some sort. Tumblr is kind of like this but it's more appropriate to actually blog here.

Only a semester of USCB and I am out of here. For good. I mean it, I don't like it here.

I like aspects of it, like my friends/boyfriend,

having decent weather and the beach.

But, I know I don't belong here. I guess when you're younger you belong wherever your family is, and then when you grow up everything changes. Even yourself.

I want to be somewhere fast paced and calm at the same time. I want to be somewhere with a good music scene and fun people.

I know exactly where I am going, too.

Where, you ask? don't worry about it.

this weekend was nice having bridget here and spending everyday together. I also got to take midnight walks with my lovely neighbor, Matthew, and we went to Fancy Q the next day.

Charleston is treating them well.

I visited Charleston the other weekend and had a lot of fun myself. mmmm.

A while back I saw Yeasayer in Savannah, they played with Washed out. It was one of the best live performances I have seen besides Metric. Oh good

ness, I felt as if I was in a dream. Definitely made me much more of a yeasayer fan...

Speaking of dreams, lately I have been wishing there was some switch to cut them off for the night. They've been to painful for me, dreams I could handle before but can't now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Other than that....

everything is beautiful.

You were my Candy.

Day 1 - July 2002

It was Sunday and I was at the therapist when my dad found out my brother Michael was in the hospital and he got in a car accident. We rushed to the hospital. A few days later my mom called the cops on my dad. Well, my mom was just thinking about herself. But, we are hiding at Al's house and Joe's house. We are at Al's right now, we were just swimming and Alex got very mean and started to tease me! What else will go wrong!

It's my birthday and Michael talked! In spanish and in English. This is great!

Day two

Morning right now of all of our nightmare! I'm supposed to have my birthday party today at moms, but if I go back to Beaufort my dad will get arrested. I wanted my party so bad! I wish things would turn out better. What scares me is....It's not over yet.

4:50 p.m. -

At about 3:30 I called Mariah. She asked me where I was. I wasn't supposed to tell her but I told her that I would tell her all the details later. I'm allowed to tell Ashley, my friend, because her parents know about this whole thing so Ashley knows. This is so serious that it might go in the news paper! All my dad is doing is jut trying to see his son Michael. There should be no harm.

10:55 p.m. -

We just got back from the skating rink, when we decided NOT to rent a movie because it's too late. Everyone wants to go to sleep. I don't. So Alex, me, dad and Angela are going to watch a movie on TV but I don't like watching movies on satellite because the movies that are good are like almost over. But who knows, we could get lucky and get a movie from the beginning. I can't write right now because we're gonna watch something. I'll write later.

Day three-

We are on our way to Kennys house for his birthday party. I haven't had mine yet. It's going to be a 3 hour drive down to his house. Today or yesterday was supposed to be my party but I can't have it at all because my mother called the cops on my dad! This really sucks. I got an e-mail from my mom and my pen-pal. I'm not allowed to write them back because my mom might find out where we are and trace us down. I really wish I could at least write my pen pal back.

July 23-

Last night my dad was on the phone. When he got off, he told us that the cops tried to arrest Hulio because they thought he was my dad. Hulio is my brother Michaels step father! We're afraid that the cops might find us!

July 26-

I'm at school right now because if my dad didn't bring me home yesterday he would have been arrested. We will have to go to court on Tuesday though. It's been stressful for me. It's also my first day of 5th grade! I already missed the first week so I have to meet new people. I just wish someone could understand the things that happened to me..

August 7-

Sorry I haven't written in a long time. My mom has already been to court. She didn't tell me anything! I wish she would tell me what's going on, I'm confused! She told me my dad is brainwashing me and my dad is saying she is brainwashing me. Who do I believe? I don't know.

August 15-

The judge is trying to figure out who we are going to live with. My brother is dying to know. We all are. Things are so confusing. I feel like I don't know that much. My dad is telling me more than my mom is, I'm about to die here!

November 11-

I have been to a lot of therapists. They say something is wrong with me. I think I have to wait for my mom to take me to Dr. Saylor. Sometimes I can't wait anymore, the answer is waiting somewhere.

The rest of the pages have been torn out.