I just taught pants how to play fetch.
i throw this...flashy little toy she has and she runs and grabs it in her mouth and brings it back to me.
it's the cutest thing.

i give all of mine to ya honey, but you're always busy.

So, I'm hired at Banana Republic, I really do think I am gonna hold onto this job longer than the others.
Food and beverage was never really my thing anyways. I really wanted to be in retail, because I want to be in fashion when I'm older.
I like throwing together outfits and making simple things into something great just by adding the right accessories. I even want to intern for a magazine one day, but I'm sure I'm dreaming too big here, hah.
But I love fashion, and I love writing, so it seems right!
At least I have some sense of direction in my future, eh? I really can't wait to get married tooooo.
but to some amazing guy who treats me so well, and we have this cute little house, around a lot of fun places to go. He will love the music I love, he will like my type of humor and he will want to be romantic once in a while without overdoing it. In his eyes, I will never be second best and the greatest part is, we will be really really happy. and I'll give him children too, and they will be adorable.

Yep.

One day.
if this...guy came around soon enough I'd marry him the second I turned 18, but this world is pretty big outside of where I have been so I'm sure it will take a while to find. He just really must care about me, (:

that would be my ideal future.
a girl can only hope, right?
:(


fun night, I guess. random people, it's weird because my opinion on a select people change day by day.
I can like them, and then not like them with their presence and how they act.
I can NOT like them, and regain respect again with how they act around me.
it goes both ways, I'm not one to really stay mad at someone and I don't hold grudges (which can be a good and bad thing) so I mean, it's weird. The only thing though, is my trust in people decrease more and more and eventually, who knows.

I never knew you to be the type to ride people's asses on the road, and I have bad road rage. so that's why I dropped the speed down like, 20 mph. it pisses me off when people do that, ugh!

I miss Kristen, she still reads my blogs cause she commented on one of them and it made me happy. I hope I see her soon.

Planet Smoothie & Stu's with desiree was delish, and being in coligny and getting mad hit on by awkward fellas. but man, one of them was really, really cute. tourists just aint my thing.
(very stereotypical, I know)

My slutty dad has a new commercial out, and I find it funny. Never saw him act before or be on camera, weird.

I need to stop blogging and get plans straight for tonight. bye!

i wanted to have a good night, i went shopping for clothes and had a day planned all out
i met up with desiree and we went to the show, my curfew is 12 and i wanted to make it without no complaints to avoid anymore arguments with my dad.
lately i've been feeling kinda shitty and i was trying to put my best face on at coligny and did for the most part, but..
i just really didnt want to be there. i didn't feel comfortable or wanted.
so i left by 11:45 to hopefully make curfew, i could have gone somewhere else.
but yeah, i walk through the door expecting my dad there waiting for me.
no, his car is in the garage. okay, so i walk inside. no ones inside the house, but wait whats that noise? is someone getting murdered?

no it's my dad fucking his girlfriend. at this point my stomach is twisting and i feel like puking.
i can still hear it, they are still going at it, i cant stand it. he gives me lectures on how he wants me home at this certain time and he is very paranoid until i'm home. yeah seems like it, seems like you're really paranoid, i'm fucking disgusted.

i hate it here, i dont know what the fuck is going to happen after this summer, i dont want to stay here. first of all half of the people are leaving, second of all this house is the lonliest place i've ever been, i hate being here.
i cant go to my moms, she'd rather have her cheating-child molesting-cock roach nigger boyfriend sleep there.
are they still fucking downstairs really? it sounds like a cheap porno made in a basement in the 80's.
so what the fuck
i feel like im walking through summer and when its over theres no where else to walk.
its almost as if its the end of a cliff and you have no choice but to just jump

i'm sick of always feeling ignored, and feeling shitty all the time and stooping down to writing 8th grader pity-feel-sorry-for-me son of a bitch blogs about it.

sometimes a diary doesnt cut it
i hate tonight i hate tonight i hate tonight i hate tonight



i hate acting like those girls who are always fucking sad cause im not, but its no fun to blog when you're happy cause you have better things to do when you're happy

damn it

fuck

you feel so low, that you can't feel nothing at all.

yes yes yes, i DID quote a taylor swift song for the title of this blog. oh well, its my guilty pleasure song.

what's been up with me?
i'm going to skip last week.
haley says i don't blog anymore and that i should, well heres an attempt. why does it feel like so much more effort to blog now then it has before?
lets see..
this summer has been an interesting one. i don't think i should have a cell phone.
i don't answer half of the phone calls i get, i ignore a lot of them, not purposefully even.
i don't know why i do it.
oh yeah back to the summer..
it's been a tad boring. people are either away doing something better than i am, or are turning into whores.

either way, it's frustrating.
sometimes i get urges to do whorish things, i dont ever really act on it
but, hey.
i dont know.







i lied, i dont know if i feel better
it would be nice to be wanted

one minute, too late.

goodbye.

-I am, the luckiest.

he's a brick & i'm drowning slowly,
off the coast & i'm headed nowhere.


I'd like to finish my story. I am close to being done, and trying to prove that I can get something like this completed for once.

I hope Gage had a good birthday today!

I was feeling really sick today, and I'm probably going to feel worse tomorrow. Imagine if I ended up going to Bonnaroo, with a high fever. Guess it would be a good opportunity to sweat it out.

haha, what is it about Facebook that screams : STRANGERS ON MELANIE'S FB IM LIST, INSTANT MESSAGE HER WITH PERSONAL SHIT ABOUT YOU! even though half the time i never met these people like once.
like right now.
Justin Deinema? what. i've never met him once, and he's like pouring out everything to me. it's SO wierd.

please go to this link: http://www.zachandlacie.wedsite.com/
and listen to the first song, it's so beautiful. [Sigur Ros] then open the little wedding book thing, & get to the page where it says "gallery" there are pictures of Lacie & Zach together, and even ME! bahaha, I can't wait to see her. She really is so amazing, and I can only dream of being like her.

Maybe I'm saying that cause I desperately hate being me, so much to the point sometimes where it's just screaming give up.
But I can't do that and contradict myself when I tell other people those are stupid thoughts. Multiple friends, actually.
I can't contradict.
So that is that.

I'm getting into Ben Folds again, he's peaceful and brings back memories.
I'm going to finish writing I guess, and hopefully read some more of my book.

Everyone going to Bonnaroo, you are all lucky sons-of-bitches.
:( But I hope you guys have a killer amount of fun & enjoyment in the next four days, wish I was there.


love always,
me

May 20th 1998 10:39 pm
It has been two days. Where are you? I keep waiting to hear a tap at my window. I don’t play music at night, just because I’m so anxious to hear you throw those rocks. You still don’t come, maybe I’m being obsessive. I already miss you, you’re the only thing on my mind. When you’re around I feel a sense of reality but the second you’re away I’m in some world that somebody is writing for me one second at a time. Whoever is writing this twisted story, please pencil my lover in somewhere soon. Please please please! I keep hearing little rocks being thrown but I look out the window and there are no rocks around and no one there. The sound of the rocks turn into boulders falling from the sky. The boulders from the sky turn into shrieks full of pain and misery. I know though, that my room is completely silent and that’s when I hear things the most.

Tip-toes to the ledge. Tip-toes to the ledge. Go farther, you’re worthless. You are nothing meaningful in the world and you’re mind is just as fucked up as your purpose here. The only man who loves you is made up and even he doesn’t want to see you anymore.

“No!” She stammers. “Stop! Please, leave me alone!”

Don’t be scared. This is what’s right. You will never be happy here.

“…Y-yes yes I will be, I will be, stop talking you don’t exist. You don’t exist. You’re only a voice. You’re a figment. You don’t exist you don’t exist.”
Oh but I am. Listen to my voice. Get it over with, you’re so close to ending this nightmare.

Now she is screaming and crying hysterically.
“Mila?! ….MILA GET DOWN FROM THERE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” Her mother rushes to her, reaches around her abdomen and pulls her down, embraces her in a tight hug making sure Mila won’t go anywhere else but in her arms.
“I’m sorry mother I’m sorry, I’m so sorry please make them stop!” She says softly behind her harsh tears.
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow you’re going to Dr. Murdock, this time you tell him everything okay? Even if it hurts tell him everything.”
“Okay mom. I’ll go, I will. I’ll go.”

---

“He hasn’t returned for 5 days now. My head is acting up even more. The pills, well they aren’t strong enough.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. You know we can’t up your dose anymore, I don’t understand this. You need to realize that this person you are infatuated with is not real. Take it into heart, you see, you can’t receive the affection you want right now simply because he’s just not there to give it. When he was, was when your brain wanted to trick you the most. Think of your brain as…an older sibling to the heart. It plays little tricks on it, but even through the emotional pain they still work together and need each other. Your brain taunts you and makes you feel this connection with…this person, this imagination. See…”
He pauses. Looks blank and stares straight ahead without saying a word.
“…are you okay doctor? Mr. Murdock, hello?
He slowly moves his eyelids up and down and comes back from his blankness.
“Oh, well wow. I’m sorry dear, I don’t know what just happened. Must be tired…”
“Oh. It’s okay. Anyways… you were saying.”
“Right. I was saying, just forget that. What does this man look like to you?”
“well, he’s tall. Very patient and kind with me, his face…he looks washed out and well. To be honest, his face is a little blurry to me, I don’t know why. When I am around him I can pan him out perfectly but when I try to describe him to someone else, all memory of him just fades. All I have of him is in this…”
“In what?” skeptical.
“Just this journal I keep. It’s nothing. I record the things we do together, the nights he comes to my window. It’s always dark, haven’t seen him in daylight. We do have memories though, and Mr. Murdock. He is just so real to me, no one understands. He is so secretive and mysterious, but he loves me I know it. And… wait. It’s been an hour and ten minutes. Time is up…maybe this is a good thing. I don’t want to get into this now anyways.”
He reaches over and touches her hand, “No… I want you to.”
She looks up, pulls away. “What? No I should really go. I’ll see you next week though, honest.”
“Yeah yeah, sorry that was not right of me, I’m a professional psychiatrist! The time for these sessions are always exact. Forget that, I’ll see you then. If you hear those voices again, you and your mother contact me immediately, you hear?”
“Of course. Bye Richard.”
“What?”
She slightly smiles, embarrassed. “Goodbye Dr. Murdock.”

He looks around the office room while it’s quite and abandoned.
To himself he says, “What the hell is going on.”
He gets up and heads home.

[to be continued.]