Lack of sleep

really isn't doing any good on me.
mentally and even physically.


i hate insomnia, i have way too much on my mind.
i'm sick of always thinking.
that's all i do, on top of worry about where i stand with people, or if things are good between me & someone.
or what if i don't wake up tomorrow and not be able to do the 845083 things i have to do because i overslept.
or what if my sister gets mad that i can't see her this weekend because i'm going to north carolina instead because plans clashed and now i don't know what to do.
or what if this weird lump in my neck is actually a tumor.
or what if i continue pissing people off because my agenda is too fucked up to plan things out anymore.
or what if i fail this year because i don't do my work when i'm supposed to because i want to see my friends more.
i just really need to breathe. i've been so fucking stressed out this whole damn week, even before that.
there's pressure surrounding me and i'm trying to be as happy and positive as i appear to be.
my most truthful blogs come out at night, i find. then i regret posting them the next day and why?
because i worry about what people think of me. great, i'm one of those people.

castles made of sand melts into the sea, eventually

today was fun.
i'm in beaufort now, & tomorrow morning i'm waking up really fucking early to take Julia to school. haha, well that and see all my old friends at school too. maybe go to sonic with tyler. he doesnt care about 1st period anyways.
then i'm going to get my hair trimmed! yaaaaayy.
then go shopping for jeans, and a jacket and underwear. haha. so tomorrow will be wonnnderful.

saturday i'm going to NC with julia to visit lizface.
i'm afraid i'll get lost, i don't know where all these weird roads are, like 95 or 77.
haha. i'm an idiot, but i'll catch on.
you know why?
BECAUSE I CAN.





assholes.
then snowboarding.

this is ourselves...under pressure!

what a lame ass title for a blog, i don't care.
i hate school work with a passion, at least when it just builds up on you.
i'm so stressed out right now with just a bunch of things going on at once, i can't even begin to explain.

so, i won't.
i will later.
and add on to this or something.

but i definitely need to go somewhere. so i'm thinking north carolina this weekend.
to see lizfaaace.
:]
will be amaaazing.

"And I will always run my fingers, through your hair"

I haven't blogged for a while. A lot's been going on with me. Some good, some bad I'm sure. I've been getting into a lot of new music lately, it's a good feeling. And it's nice to have new things to listen to in the car. I actually have a few Norma Jean songs that I've been listening to. They kind of do the screaming for me, and it makes me feel relieved. Did you know I have crowd surfed before? I know, I'm pretty daaank.

I am planning a trip to North Carolina to see Lizfaceeeee. I am so excited, I haven't seen her in so long. Liz used to live in Beaufort and moved after last school year, so I barely see her now. So I will go there, and I haven't driven that far by myself before so I'm pretty stoked. So I'll spend a night or two there, and we'll see what I get into..
Also, State Radio & Rebelution soon!
Gahh, yay.
OH and. Snowboarding, before that. So I've got an exciting agenda to look forward to for a while!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
okay, see ya.

cause it's too hard to belong to someone who is gone

so hurry up and run to the one that you love.
and blind him with your kindness.
and he'll make war, old war, on who you were before.
and he'll claim all that has spoiled in your heart.

I made a list of things that I want. Things that either have a cost, or that I want in general. I want better ankles. I want to stop sleeping so much in the morning. I want to be able to fall asleep at least before one. I want to spend a whole day taking pictures of everything I love. I want to spend a whole day with the ones I love. I want someone to love. I want a book filled with love letters from wars, written by heartbroken families. I want a love letter. I want to remember the smell of Florida. I want to know the smell of New York City. I want to go somewhere, other than Beaufort or Hilton head, or Bluffton. I want to taste a new ice cream flavor. I want to hug a stranger that is just like me, and hold on tight. I want to look through a telescope one of these nights. I want a fridge full of ice cold red bulls ready to be emptied. I want to cure someones heart that is tired of being empty. I want to ride in a taxi. I want to feel pretty. I want to finish all the books that I started and never reached the end. I want to meet new people. I want to learn how to play poker. I want to write songs again. I want to write poems that make sense to other people then myself. I want to own a photography camera. I want to paint more, preferably abstract. I want to feel something I've never touched. I want to watch Youtube videos on tidal waves. I want to play in some sort of open field in a pretty dress. I want a pen pal from a different country, not online but through mail. I want to explore the sea floor. I want an open mind and a kiss with closed eyes. I want everything I have never known.

Hey mom, there's something in the back room. I hope its not the creatures from above.

Okay, so after the 7th time seeing a UFO in my life, I've become pretty aware of them. They exist, and I had a long talk with Catie about them today and she just won't believe that I have seen them!
We were driving on 278 and she looked up and saw this really bright light and asked, what is this? I simply look above and right away I knew, it was a UFO. It was a triangular shape, a weird triangular shape with different colored lights on each end. She's convinced it's just an airplane. No, no it wasn't. An alien, it was. Do you know how many times they have been here? Have been watching us, spying on us, even using us. Maybe even talking to us. Maybe...the people I know and are friends with are secretly aliens reporting back to their planet about me. There are so many universes, it would make sense for at least one of those universes to find a way to us, and they have. Thousands of years ago. Sometimes, (all religions put aside, this is just me being curious) that during the 'Adam & Eve' days, aliens, or life from another planet, put their own species here to grow and spread. Making us, humans. Maybe we are the alien. Our world has got us thinking of this image, this picture or idea of what an alien is. Green, slimy, icky, torturous, creatures that we should be afraid of. For all we know, they could be nicer than us. There was an alien recording many years back, from some sort of crash and the government quickly hid the bodies so we could never discover them ourselves. They paid someone much money to never speak of it again, so the government knows what they look like, I think. They just will not tell us because that's just a government thing to do. Now, back to when I said I have seen aliens. Not up close or in person, but I've seen them travel. The neatest UFO I've seen, I think, was a round shuttle with colored lights spinning around them. It was in the sky above my house far far away while I was playing outside. I ran quickly into my house after I saw it, hoping to not be abducted and raped. Aliens like to make people pregnant so that they can some how get their seed into this world. It's happened before, but luckily the people have had their babies killed before the aliens attacked. I really find them fascinating though, I've been researching them a lot tonight and seriously, they exist I know it. And Catie, if you are reading this, I hope you now understand what I am talking about.

this light looks good on you.

well, I haven't blogged in a while.
I mean, I don't know exactly what I really want to blog about, nothing comes to mind.
It's been a loooong week, with many twists.

Too bad I'm not writing them :]







Too bad I am starting to hate blogging...