traveling, swallowing, dramamine

it's blows my mind how much people can change within a year.
when i moved here, i met people who i thought were so insanely interesting and sweet.
then, a little before the year is even over i come to find they are just dicks in disguise!
that, or they decide to change drastically.
maybe people start to hate you when you deny them of sexual acts. like, say, blowjobs. or sex.
well that covers just one of them at least. the others, i can't come to a conclusion of why.
and for those...no one feel targeted, please. this is aimed to more than a couple of people.

and i find it funny, while i was close to all these people...
people i hated then are coming to me now being as sweet as they can be wanting to be friends.
like, erin kaeding or other people. and i'm glad because they are really genuinely great.
right now, i'm honestly happy with all the people i'm close to. i know a lot of really fantastic people. best friends, and really close acquaintances. also, people i never expected to get to know.
but. they are now far away, so i have to see them when i can. which is fine with me : )

i feel awkward, just because i know that when people go to my blogs and read them they probably think i'm the most negative person to walk the planet. it's really the only place i put negativeness though, at least now anyways. i'm not so negative, i like being positive.
if you asked me now, i'd say i'm a pretty happy gal.

ive just, really recently tried not to let the same things bother me as they used to i guess.
everything is bound to turn bitter at some point, so why endure the taste any longer than you should?
i feel like a completely different and refreshed person.
someone better, someone more....desirable i hope?


i'm happy, i am.

thank you

for that post. it's what i probably needed to see.



last night, last night, last night.
i jinxed myself big time yesterday when i made my facebook status "awaiting a day with a series of fortunate events."
because there were more unfortunate events then, fortunate.
the beach, it was nice. i got a little color and the sun felt really great.
...& listening to my ipod while laying under it couldn't have been any better.
but, i broke my favorite flip flops from someone stepping on them while i was walking on accident.
it hurt to eat anything because I swear my wisdom teeth are coming in (why are they so wise again?)
and i didn't have any money for those perfect, amazing tasting chocolate smoothie things at java joes and when i had some of desirees, it spilled a little on my dress thing.
then, i'm stuck with a shirt that i have no clue what to do with. and i'm a firm believer in now destroying things such as that. especially since it's really cool! i guess i'll just sleep in it.
and. then, my ipod got stolen from someone i probably don't even know meaning i'll never get it back.
and i cried over it, and was completely broken, my ipod has been my life pretty much, basically.
and now. no more music. no more blank cd's, no more anything. dofhsgidhgsodg bahhdfsgh.
okay i can't even type about that right now, i'll go crazy.
i was too paranoid last night to relax and have a good time, like always. i seem to be uptight.
and cleaning up after everything, constantly washing dishes and towels/laundry.
i didnt sleep at all, and then i slept today and the AC turned off so i was hot as balls.

the only thing fortunate is that someone came last night and it was really sweet.
i feel so bad that i barely had time for you last night, everything was so chaotic.
gah.
but i don't know, something didn't quite feel right either..
yet i'm still really glad. we had some fun, but most of it was me like freaking out haha.
ugh. never doing this again. never. never. never. never. never. never. never. never.
i never understood the meaning of 'never' until now. but it's in action, you have my word.
never.
never.
never.
me and my crazy little dreams.
they were weird today. but i blog about my dreams too much and i feel stupid about it.
whatever, goodbye whoever you are. i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day.





....or do i?

ah, tonight i've had a headache since caties birthday party.
all on the left side of my head.
i think it's cause i didn't eat anything all day,
but the headache got so bad i didn't want to eat at her party and now it's a migraine headache.
i feel so nauseous & just looking at the screen on my laptop is like taking a bullet to my head.
ugh, and it's almost 4 and i can't sleeeeeeeeeeeeep!
i do have many thoughts going through my head though.
about silly boys.
i keep on making up these situations in my head with guys i know.
some that make me super happy, and some that are really dramatic haha.
i love it. but it's keeping me awake! counting sheep honestly always does the trick, sheep are more fun then boys anyhow.

and wow, you are absolutely adorable.
oh god, yes.


i'd say i should put on like, elliott smith or iron & wine, or a little bright eyes to do the trick.
but any noise right now would be murder, even the softest of songs.
damn it, there should never be a common pain (such as the headache.) that gets in the way of listening to music.
lets attempt this process they call sleep one more time, eh?

oh, and by the way.


SCAD is amazing, you don't know what you're talking about.

i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.
i don't want to know you anymore.

He'll never come back as the man you dropped, he'll never come back as the man you loved.

after tonight, i feel a little better.
i've had a pretty good day : )
this morning, i did something.
then.
cody & catie & kara & anna & i went to moes.
(i love how many '&'s i put.)
and then, i went home, took a nap and then went on a 2 mile run, which was especially nice.
i took a break on the golf courses and just layed there in the grass breathing heavily, and looking up at the pretty mossy tree's and sky. listening to my ipod. everything was so vivid.
i come home, and call my school adviser and we go over my schedule.
so i'm taking a couple maths, astronomy, psychology, british literature, music theory, and french.
this is an okay schedule for me.
so, getting my subjects and everything out of the way I feel much better.
Then, desiree and i have a long conversation on the phone about school and what we plan to do.
we both want to go to scad next year, she wants to go for performing arts (which she totally can, she has the greatest potential, hopefully we'd room together) and i want to go there for fashion design. there are a few different things i'd like to do in fashion, however. either design and start with a little botique, or write for some fashion magazine (dream big right?) or be a fashion intern.
i'd like to work behind the scenes in fashion shows and hopefully one day have my designs get put on models.
at scad, if i were to ever make it into the fashion program, they do really exciting things. I did my research. At the end of your journey, towards gradution, they send you out and pick out a certain kind of fabric and color(s). then you have to put together about 5 outfits and with your class theres a little over 100 outfits. people choose from them and if you're lucky enough, your outfit could be used on the runway, and all these designers will see it!
i have so many ideas for outfits, i have them painted in my head just not put on paper.
i'm going to start sketching all of my ideas and if they are good enough i will use them when I apply.
So, i feel a little more relieved now that i kind of have something figured out. It's not a sure thing of course it's just my goal.
tomorrow i'm going to go desk hunting to get everything set up.
i need one in my room anyways.
i'm super excited. I told my dad about my plan and i was all, well, i'd like to get a job in retail so i can have something in clothing to put on a resume. and to do this, well i need a car. to get to work.
and so now, i think he is more 'gung-ho' on helping me get one.
ha, i'm pretty sure he wants me out of the house asap anyways.
with my job i'm gonna save up and be able to pay for my own insurance and everything else.
so, i don't want to need him to be in charge of paying for it and all this other stuff. i want to start doing things on my own.
as for the love life, i have a couple people in mind who i might be interested in, and vice versa, but i'm going with the flow for now.
so.
we shall see, what is in store for me ;]

thank you for helping, listening, being amazing. :)


running is my new favorite thing in the whole wide world!
2 miles today, yes.

i'm trapped.
suffocated.
i can't live here anymore.
how could i reach the point of standing face to face with my dad just begging for him to hit me?
i know he really wanted to, so i wanted him to.
he doesn't care about me, like a lot of people in my life that i thought were important.
i feel like dirt.
i'm here again.
i hate it.
i don't want to ....be here. right now.

i dont want to be posting such a stupid blog that will just be mocked.
i hate this. i hate every fucking thing right now.
he can't deal with me, so he wants me to move in with her again. i can't,
i just can't go back there. it was terrible, miserable.
so many awful memories rot there in the pit of the room i used to sleep in.
and now, bad memories are starting to form here.
i resent them both so much.
he blames me for his unhappiness, when it should be the other way around.
he's not here enough to blame me for such things.
why else do i have repetitive dreams of him either abandoning me for good, or letting me die with some crazy disease without trying to treat me?
he makes me feel like shit.

i couldnt be more... disgusted with myself right now.
i do stupid things..

and i hate how he tunes me out when i'm trying to tell him simply how i feel.
he makes me feel invisible mostly all the time, he only talks to me when i'm doing something wrong.

why does he hate me so much, what did i do?
why can't i just feel so much more love from them, god from anyone.