I wanna see it, when you find out what comets stars & moons are all about.

I'm in Charleston.
I woke up really early, threw on a comfy dress for the car ride, went to my psychiatrist, picked up alex, and left.
It's nice being here, although I forgot the bag I packed. So I'm wearing my sister's PJ's right now & I have to say they look sorta cute :)
So I had to wear this stupid flowery dress to dinner & around Charleston & I looked like shit but took pictures anyways because I'm stupid.
They are on facebook, but whatever I love my sister & I love Neavaeh.
I love Alex too.



I love my issue-filled family. Only sometimes.
I don't understand anything anymore, why is nothing ever clear.
ever.



I'm coming home tomorrow morning, I might as well go to this G love show with Bridget and everyone, & my friend Taylor from Beauforts coming down to visit so I'll take her too.
I-Dont-Know-Maybe-Maybe-Maybe!




screw 1, 2, & 6! all of you.


i'm making my own dictionary
i have so many words in it, big intelligent sounding words that will blow everyones mind. and only i understand them. this is great, don't worry i'll publish it one day

iiiiiiiiiihaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeeeeeebbbbbbllllloooooooooooggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiiing
fuck my sister lacie is getting married
to zach zoller
he's cute
and 20
she's 28
what the hell
he's closer to my age
i hope he doesnt try anything foolish
those christian boys
can't be trusted
especially from Hawaii
he likes neat music and has cool facial hair
i hope they are happy together
now they can finally

the guy you know thinks he's so slick, he'll kiss you on the lips but he'll get sick.

haha, davis you aren't a man.


i'm going to charleston tomorrow (:
to celebrate some 'mothers day' thing..
i'm excited to go to my sissy's house. I miss her a lot. & I guess I'm taking my brother alex with me because he doesn't want to drive his car & waste gas. so it will just be us.
hahahah! I get to play him MY music now ;) i'm so excited. he's always showed me good bands & songs that I've always gotten to love, but i've never been able to show him that I know bands HE doesn't know.
yay! ....2 hours though. this could get awkward.
& seeing my mom will be weird. I miss her a lot, and she's not in my life like she was before but it is mothers day, and she did spend 9 months of hell just so that i could be living right now.

so there's got to be some "thanks" somewhere.


I do have things on my mind

if you love me at all.

sadness.
aaron don't leave please.

he's thinking about moving after this summer to live with his sister :(
far far far away. This is terrible.
I'd miss him too much, and he's one of my best friends.
I love him to death, I just don't want to lose someone else after the summer.

I miss a lot of people from Beaufort.
I looked at old videos with my friends, like Taylor Sammy Hilary Kaitlin and my old group.
We had so much fun, I took it for granted.
This weekend, Taylors coming to my house to visit, and I think after that I'm going to be going to Beaufort a lot more to reconnect with people, and the places I used to go to on the weekends, and have that same fun I used to have.
I love it here, don't get me wrong.
It's just..for the next month and a few days more, is going to be hell for me.
I can't even bare the thought of it.
School, people slowly leaving, and someone who is taking TOO slow to leave most importantly.

we'll see what happens.
there is just a lot that I've been thinking about..

Joga

all the accidents that happen follow the dot. coincidence makes sense, only with you.
you don't have to speak, i feel emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:
state of emergency, how beautiful to be!
state of emergency, is where i want to be..
all that no-one sees, you see what's inside of me.
every nerve that hurts you heal deep inside of me. you don't have to speak - i feel
emotional landscapes, they puzzle me, confuse.
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this state of emergency.

do you think she'd be better, doing what I do best? I said I'm gonna have myself in shambles.

I'd hate to say I can call what's slowly happening.
I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to anymore.
things always end the same way.
It's like I'm not good enough for anyone in my life anymore.
I'm sick of feeling 'second best' to everyone, I don't think I deserve it.
Especially when the ones who are first, are always the undeserving ones.
I've had to be second best since the middle of 7th grade.
I want to be more than that.
why wait on such a lost cause.
this is useless.
it's impracticable.
And I hate being so negative, but whats the positive in all this I can point out anyways?

so when i sat behind the drumset, your heartbeats what i tried to play.

just tell me what to expect, that's all.











tell me if this is a waste of time.
tell me anything, just let me in a little.

happy birthday darling. we love you very very very very very very very very much.

Yeah. I actually started crying watching this. Cats have gotten me so emotional lately. I feel stupid saying this, and you probably think I'm mostly idiotic.
Yesterday at my psychiatrist appointment, she was all, what's been up lately? and I'm in there with my dad as well.
I say, you know it's hard not having contact with my mom and it's been getting to me a lot.
(I start crying of course) and then I say...
It's just hard also to live here without a....CAT. and i start BAWLING. and she immediately hands me a tissue box.
I continue. "I just hate not having a cat around, its just hard for me you know? I don't have anyone to cuddle with while I'm watching tv or to lay by me after i have a bad dream. I've always had that growing up, and i can't have a cat now because of HIM!"
I point to my dad.
she says "now why can't she have a cat, Gus. WHY."
he's allergic. I say.
He feels bad and we decide it would be okay for me to get a kitten as long as I keep it in my room and take full care of him. I'm naming him pants, short for Rebecca.

I can't wait, it's all I've been thinking of. I just can't find any kittens anywhere. I doubt I will. I just really need one soon, I need something to cuddle with, since I don't get to do it often anyways...


ugh. but isn't that video precious?
I guess I'm going to see American Pie tomorrow, and then relay on friday.
then Madi wants me & dez to stay at her house after...

well. bye