with one hand high, you'll show them your progress.

sometimes the obvious never makes sense to someone so clueless OBVIOUSLY missing out on the big picture to the person who is aware of the situation in all sense.



think about it.




i dont like school, school doesnt like me. waking up at 6:30 is so pointless. i can't wait for next summer.

& i'd offer you my hand, it would hurt too much to watch you die.

okay,
so last blog. totally emo sounding. i was in such a shitty mood when i wrote that, haha. & sure i'm still not really feeling great but i'm not going to sound like i hate life.
we live once, and life is actually really long, and it will go by at the pace you want it to if you just let it. don't force time to go by, just so you can wait for a happier moment. it will come, your not going to be sad forever. thats what i realized, every mood i'm in i just sink into it and make it linger. but i always forget that it will go away at some point or another. just going out to lunch with one of your friends can change the way you felt earlier that day. like, today. i thought, man everyones busy or grounded, im just sitting here alone and feeling terrible. but it WASNT like that, i went out to lunch with desiree and we just talked about everything, laughed, and just conversed. it totally switched me from depressed to loving life and the moment i was in. thats what we live for, is for those moments when we feel happy or like we are having fun. i mean, what else do we live for? make the best out of everyday, any situation. see the brighter side, not the dark.
it will be okay, in the long run. and at the end of the day, its not your boyfriend/girlfriend or best friend that made you happy. its yourself. you let yourself have fun, you let yourself live. you can do that no matter what, if you just find any joy whatsoever you will always be happy, and depending on yourself and never anyone else to fill a spot. its your job to fill it yourself and be happy with everything you do.
so, be patient. everything you could wish for will happen if you just let it. the more you force whatever it is to come that you think will make you incredibly happy, will ruin the chances. you just have to wait and believe it will get there.
i dont believe in much but i believe in a better tomorrow. at least now i do.
overlook whats making you feel like shit, whats getting you in a shitty mood or anything along those lines and just...be patient. and i know, this blog is really corny, but thats what life needs once in a while to get things said.

we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do yeah we do.

i want to feel something again, the pep i had everyday. everythings changing, summers almost over, its the same thing everyday. and the only reason i'm writing this is for a very weird reason itself. because i dont want to post it on myspace, where everyone can read it, and i pretend like this is my own personal diary where only i can read it. yet the fact that anyone can read this, is exciting to me. because no one goes here unless i post something about it somewhere, but i'm not this time. if your reading this, then your reading it. so thank you.
another reason i like blogging, is because its the only place you can whine and complain without worrying what other people think. I mean come on, if I ever said this stuff outloud I'd seem so depressed and just such a 'blah' person, & you probably get that about me if you read this itself. but if you know me, then you'd know im not a blah person.
anyways, i'm rambling and getting way off subject like i usually do..
everything lately has been seeming so unreachable. people are turning twofaced, i dont know who are my friends and who just pretend. what really is the difference between pretenders and non-pretenders anyways. i pretend myself, i pretend to be so fucking happy all my fucking life. i cant ever show sadness, or disappointment. i never want to bring others down. i hope that if i can convince them that everything is going perfect with me, i can convince myself. i dont tell ANYONE half the shit i go through, what i've been through in my past. no one knows, honestly. no one. just me. its inside just growing there and i cant stop it, but its a pain i've been trying to kill for so long but instead its the part thats eating me up inside, where i dont know what to even do anymore. except post a lame ass blog. everyone else blogs about the great things they did that day, or how so in love they are with whoever they are dating,
well i would love.
love, to post a blog about any of that.
and i could, if i really wanted. but why lie to everyone? and myself. at least why do it anymore, i mean really? i have no idea what i want anymore..i dont know who i am. i dont know anyone i think i know, i dont even know where i want to go with my life. all we need are answers, it seems so simple and cliche. but if we could just know the answers to all of our problems, or whats truly wrong with us, everything would be so easy. but thats the funny thing about life, your supposed to find the answers yourself, and sometimes leave things unanswered. i've tried looking but somethings really are meant to be unanswered.
hopefully something will be left unquestioned for me.
and hopefully soon.

11:11

"11:11"

please wake me when the clock hits that time
'cause hopefully tomorrow you'll be mine
last week, it didnt work
but this time
i'm feeling sure.
if only you knew how much this meant
and how i want our time well spent
just please this time, make it come true
because you wont regret
the way that i'll treat you.

it's the next day, no word from you at all
everyday makes my hopes get small
its not like how it was before, i mean.
but i promise you'll know
how much you truly mean to me
an hour's gone by and still no word
forget this '11:11' we've all heard
its just a silly way to make people feel real
and honestly sabotage
all those pity feelings we feel

i've given up hope for good now, baby dont you know?
the clocks outside my door, i hear it tick so slow.
but maybe i'll spend just one more day
bring the clock back inside
count down the minutes and i'll say:
please make him mine, this wish would put on a real smile
after that i put the clock outside, but only for a little while...
because after i came inside
you were out in front of my house
holding the clock tightly as if for your life.

after that day i've never been the same
its been you and me, living in the hall of fame
so please wont you wake me
when the clock hits 11:11
so i can wake up beside you
and feel like im drifting off to heaven