that ole devil called love

So I'm sitting at work and I have about an hour and a half left, I've pretty much finished up all my work for the day though so I'm really just sitting here until they give me...something to do.
I figured it'd help kill time to blog even though I'm really not supposed to at work.
(They will never know.)
At least I hope not, people do walk by me a lot during the day, so I just gotta be slick about minimizing it before someone comes by.
Just the sound of my managers voice puts me on edge. Something about the sound of it, mixed with the clunking of her high heels against the floor and the way it gets louder the closer she approaches me.

Woot, they just gave me an EKG to do. So now I am TEN more minutes closer to leaving. Isn't that sad? I'm counting the minutes at this point. Usually I am way more busy than this, and I used to complain about it but now I wish I was busy, so I had something to do until I leave.

Today is Wednesday which means it is Yin Yoga night, I'm pretty excited. I think it's one of my favorite yoga classes ever, it's so peaceful and refreshing. It was the first class I ever took actually, at SYC. I just offered to pay for my friend Meagan to come to the class tonight since it's her birthday and she was in training with me, we made friends almost instantly. She's also a good person for me to call if I ever feel like going on a nature walk somewhere or anything outdoorsy, she's the best candidate for the Savannah area.

This Friday is my grandmothers birthday. She is turning eighty years old. It's so strange, I remember celebrating her 67th birthday like it was yesterday. She doesn't even act like she's aged either. Well, sometimes at least. Sometimes she says or does things that make me think she is losing her mind/memory. But who am I to talk, I feel like everyone is slowly losing their minds anyways.
I'm going to try to leave around 8, so I can make it to Charleston without falling asleep. I wasn't completely sure if I was going to go this weekend or not, but now I think I probably should. I feel like my relationship hasn't been its best this week and I know that I owe it to myself and to him to try and get things back to normal again. Whatever normal even was..
Sometimes I never realize just how broken I was left until things make it come out, making it hard for me to let my gaurd down. I don't really know what to do about it or how to help myself. I just always try to tell myself that I'll get better. I hate being this way, it gets in the way of so much in my life. Certain things trigger it like no other. It's just that being in love terrifies me so much, I don't like being some vulnerable girl. And I know that if I were to ever get disappointed even one more time, I don't know what would be left of me anymore. To me, there's nothing worse than getting to that point and it scares the shit out of me. But worrying about it like I do is also not healthy, and pointless. This is kind of why I need to let go of these things I don't need.
Like Facebook for example, I just let it stress me out honestly. I am thinking about not signing on for a few days. I don't want to make some big announcement about it like everyone else does, I don't want to completely delete it, and I'm not trying to distance myself from anyone. I just need to realize that I DON'T need it, because in no way does it serve me. If anyone needs to talk to me, it's not like the can't. I do have a phone, and anyone is more than welcome to come over and chat or go out and do something productive.
I think it would be good for me. Not for long, but just a few days to renew myself. Focus on yoga, and my meditation again. I literally see myself start to unravel when I'm not doing it.
And like I have said multiple times in my past few blogs, it's been a while. This week that I'm starting again is helping sooo much already. Who needs Facebook when you have that?
Now I only have half an hour of work left. See? Blogging is so useful. I can't even believe that I've written this much so far, I guess there was more in my head that I was holding in than I realized. That's why I love this thing. It's like an online diary, and I am pretty sure I'm the only one who see's it now anyways. I love looking back on them too. For instance, it will be awesome looking back on these later on in my life. I wonder what I will think of myself when I'm reading this then. I hope I'll have it more together at that point.
Okay now this is turning into some weird twist, I feel like I am writing some sort of note to my future self. That's kind of creepy. (But seriously, future me, do not judge. I'm just tired today.)
Did I just ask myself to not judge myself? Am I really asking myself if I asked myself not to judge myself?

I seriously almost just deleted that whole entire paragraph just now. ^
But whatever, I'll just laugh at it eventually.

Alex wanted me to go with him to some record store in savannah. But it was only 1:00 when he was going, now I wish I went. Even though that's kind of hard to do while I'm working. I feel like I haven't bonded with him enough lately and that wouldve been something nice to do. I know he always needs someone to talk to, and I guess I do as well. Besides, that's an amazing record store. It's about a block from my house and has the best albums in there. I wonder if he'll still be in the city in about half an hour from now? I'll probably give him a call. How cool would that be if I talked him into going with me to yoga at 7? I actually think he'd really like it. And some more muscle tone for the poor kid wouldn't hurt, either...

Ugh one thing I am not looking forward to is coming home to our kitchen. Derek and Aaron came to clean it a week ago and they left the dirty dishes in the sink, which is fine cause we still had some left in the dishwasher. Well, I realized yesterday that my roommates hadn't touched or washed one dish in that sink. And the only dishes in there that were mine were three wine glasses. Other than that, there was gross mold looking things growing on the plates and cups. So disgusting. I even caught Haley drinking water out of our measuring cup yesterday instead of cleaning a cup for herself to use. I was just like, screw this, I'll just clean them on my own again like always since no one else can wash their plates. I couldnt even fit half of the sink load in the washer. But at least I was able to get a lot cleaned. I left the door on the dishwasher locked so that the next person to go in the kitchen knew to unload the dishes into their clean spaces. When I woke up this morning, someone had literally unlocked the dishwasher, took clean dishes out, ate off of them, and put them BACK in the sink. Didn't even put any clean dishes away or at least lock it back when they were done. It's little things like that that drive me CRAZY. I can't rely on any of them to help me clean up around the house and I'm barely ever home to do it myself so it just sucks. Sometimes it's nice having a small house, or living alone. It's easier to keep up with. Fortunately, the lease will be over soon and I probably won't have to deal with that anymore.

I am pretty sure I typed enough here. Can't lie, it was pretty refreshing getting out all these random thoughts in my head. No wonder I got so addicted to it when I was in high school. I should make it a cool thing again. (It was before Facebook and Instagram blew up)

-M

sometimes I wonder what it would be like if things were different

naked as we come

September has been a busy and crazy month so far.
Birthdays, vacations, and life changing news from your sister- the chaos is all so wonderful.

The only thing I regret is the lack of yoga I have been doing due to how crazy it's been. It's probably been anywhere from 3-4 months since I took a class, which is a lot for me. When I go through lulls like this, I get scared to start up again. This always seems to happen when I take breaks. It's like I am afraid to see who I am on my mat when the next practice comes around. I know it'll be someone different than when I practiced last, although they say that's normal for every single practice you do in your life. But it's one thing to be a good change, and another thing to feel a decline. I am afraid that my lack of use will result in a poor teaching career in my future, or cause none at all. It's really all I want, I just can't seem to make it to the point where I just grab the bull by the horns and just start teaching, I always feel like I'm not at my full potential and I don't want to let anyone down that is taking a class from me. I mean, I don't ever really talk about it, but it TERRIFIES me. Most people think I just don't want to do it at all, and I don't care about it, but honestly it's on my mind everyday all the time. I just don't show it. Maybe I need to take some more workshops and brush up on courses and build my confidence back. I just really don't want to give  it up, I need to see my potential. This is my dream, it's the one thing I want in life and it's right at my fingertips yet I can't seem to quite reach it just yet. Or maybe I can and I just don't know it?
Today I'll take a class at 5:30 and make all of this my dedication. Sometimes that's the best way to setting yourself up for improvement.

Also, I feel I just suck at communicating with people. Do you ever feel like you have such specific feelings on something that you can't word right to someone and everything just gets misconstrued? Seems to happen to me often.
I feel bad because I've made someone close to me feel like I can't trust them. In actuality I trust them more than anyone else in the world which makes it so weird.
It's hard to show someone it's not so much of trust issues as it is respect issues and feeling like you aren't getting any from something in particular that you go through often. I realized today it has nothing to do with trust at all. Sometimes you do things for someone solely out of respecting them, and letting them know that you alone are enough for them. But I guess it's been resolved, yet in a way that still leaves me a little uncomfortable. The only thing to do at this point, is just let it go. And I know I should have a long time ago.


On a happier note- today I just helped save a mans life AGAIN! The second time I was able to catch a heart blockage on our EKG machine one someone that was literally just coming in for a routine physical and not knowing anything was wrong whatsoever. It is moments like these that make you not worry about petty things at your job like your manager, or stress it throws at you because this IS the big picture. This job is so much greater than that, it's helping people get their health back and it is a field you get into that should be completely selfless, and I start realizing that as I get the perks of seeing others get better and heal. Even if I don't want to stay in this specific office much longer, I still would like to continue in the medical field for this reason. It's the beautiful twists we live for, to see them unravel in ways we couldn't imagine.

-M

Close your eyes, you're weightless now.

I feel like writing tonight.
It's midnight, and I'm endlessly exhausted it seems. My mind is still three hours behind east coast time, it's still stuck in Washington state back with my heart. It truly was an amazing trip. I have never cried leaving a trip before in my life until now. I felt such a connection with not only my family there, but earth in general. As we were climbing up this gorgeous mountain next to Mount Adams, each step I could feel and visualize a root reaching down through my feet and steps growing downwards to the very bottom of the climb. It was an indescribable feeling, really being one with nature. Each breath that came from that crisp air cleansed through me, healed any internal imperfection that has risen in my life. That flight coming home, I can distinctly remember the huge knot in my throat. I couldn't breathe anymore, that crisp air was fading and the mountains below the plane were slowly getting smaller. Tears came faster than the plane was going itself, and my senses became higher than the plane was elevating. But you know, I think it was all bittersweet.

Tonight I came across a blog that I had made a few months back and totally forgot about. I made it an online diary, filled with letters of past romances. There weren't many posts and I won't say what was in them here but it really made me realize a lot looking back at how I viewed people in my life. Seeing how hurt I've been, I was in a two year rut of just emotionally dating people off and on, not getting involved and not getting feelings for anyone. And the second they'd show any sign of attachment I would run. I came up with so many flaws, that weren't really there at all. All because I was so hurt in my past. And I didn't realize how screwed up I really was until I sat and read all my posts. I was so dispensable and I didn't know how to handle it. I really honestly thought I'd never be able to trust anyone again. I thought I was cursed, and every time I thought someone would finally break the curse, they really just ended up making it worse and more realistic. I told myself I was going to give up on dating all together and just focus on myself. It wasn't until I fell in love with my best friend that I was able to slowly, and I mean slowly, really put my guard down again and trust someone with my heart in the palm of their hands without fearing they'd clench their fists just a little too hard. Sometimes I have to stop and check in with myself to see if it's all really happening.

"Even though that we're far apart we've come so close, and it feels so right. Don't give up."
That Washed Out lyric is perfect right now.

I also didn't realize how much I hated my job until I went back today. My office manager, as everyone knows, is not one of my most favorite people...
The second I walked through the door she was already riding my ass and talking to me in such condescending ways. Good news is, people are starting to slowly catch on to her now and soon she'll have no more of herself to unravel. Everyone will see her for who she really is.
I just think it's time for me to leave this job and start something new. I've already been there for a few years now, I treasure all the knowledge I've gained and skills I've obtained. I'll be leaving this area in a few months anyways.

So. now it's one o'clock. I should try to sleep, it would be the smart thing to do.
Goodnight, whoever you are.

"I live in nature where everything is connected, circular. The seasons are circular. The planet is circular, and so is the planet around the sun. The course of water over the earth is circular coming down from the sky and circulating through the world to spread life and then evaporating up again. I live in a circular teepee and build my fire in a circle. The life cycles of plants and animals are circular. I live outside where I can see this. The ancient people understood that our world is a circle, but we modern people have lost site of that. I don't live inside buildings because buildings are dead places where nothing grows, where water doesn't flow, and where life stops. I don't want to live in a dead place. People say that I don't live in a real world, but it's modern Americans who live in a fake world, because they have stepped outside the natural circle of life.

Do people live in circles today? No. They live in boxes. They wake up every morning in a box of their bedrooms because a box next to them started making beeping noises to tell them it was time to get up. They eat their breakfast out of a box and then they throw that box away into another box. Then they leave the box where they live and get into another box with wheels and drive to work, which is just another big box broken into little cubicle boxes where a bunch of people spend their days sitting and staring at the computer boxes in front of them. When the day is over, everyone gets into the box with wheels again and goes home to the house boxes and spends the evening staring at the television boxes for entertainment. They get their music from a box, they get their food from a box, they keep their clothing in a box, they live their lives in a box.

Break out of the box! ... This not the way humanity lived for thousands of years." -- Eustace Conway

twenty-one

Here I am, completely restless. I've slept absolutely perfectly the whole entire weekend, and of course the one night where I have to wake up early insomnia strikes. So I am doing what helps the most in situations like these, and that is to write. Anything.
First off, I'd like to say I've grown pretty fond over a show on Netflix that I started to watch. Finished the whole season in a week, don't know how. It's called "Orange is the New Black". It's a Netflix original, so I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it. But I found that I was very attached to it, and also Jason Biggs is in it making it that much better.
This weekend seemed pretty short. I managed to get a lot done though which has taken a lot off of my plate. Majorly, that would be just me cleaning my whole entire room. Yes. For those of you who don't believe me, then, fuck off. Come see it yourself. I had two trash bags full of junk that I just didn't need anymore. All of my clothes were put away, the floor was swept, I even found space to lay my yoga mat. So now every morning I have no excuse to why I can't do a couple sun salutations in the morning. It's my dream room basically, now. I put on facebook days ago that I was changing for the better, and this is part of the start. Next I need to tackle my car, and cleaning that. Which I still seem to keep putting off. I did clean it out somewhat last week but it's still not how I wanted it. Once I can cross that off my list, I will know I really have changed.
I have rekindled friendships with people I haven't spoken to in a while as well, and as we all know that can be one of the nicest feelings.

On Thursday, I finally turn 21. It's weird, it's not even a big deal and yet it still hasn't hit me. I feel like it's one of those weird ages we used to always dream of as young teenagers and envy those who were of age. Always felt like it was never coming. But it is. And it's now. What does it really even mean? I can drink, yeah, but....am I really an adult now? How can age determine who you really are. Why does America get to tell me that I can handle my liquor in a few days from now better than I have been since I started? Or that I am finally ready to be independent, no longer needing the help from any type of guardians. I've been on my own for a while now, age never had anything to do with it. This country turns time into such an illusion, painting a picture in our heads that we need to follow a guideline to meet human standards. Everyone is different though, we don't have a timer waiting to go off.
This tangent has gone way too far, I didn't mean to write on this for more than 2-3 sentences. If I don't stop talking about it now, I never will. And I know I didn't convey at all how I feel about the matter, my mind isn't working too well tonight.
I don't want to give off the wrong impression either, because yes, I am excited for my birthday.
The last two weren't all that great and I'm hoping that since I'll be with everyone I could possibly want to be with, it couldn't go wrong at all. Even if I were just spending it with them doing nothing at all, in no place important at all.
Just gotta get through three days of work first. It's not even the work that bothers me, more so just the management.


well this is working. I'm getting tired, so I guess I can call it a night then. This blog post royally sucks.







fuuuuuck

"She Let Go"

A beautiful poem that always keeps me positive and reminds me to not over think things too much. To stop trying to plan out every part of my life, because I really need to let go sometimes.

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.  She let go of the judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.  She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.  She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go.  She let go of all of the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.  She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."